DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I chose to permanently take in my cousin "Martha's" 11-year-old daughter, "Stella." She is smart as a whip and has a heart as big as Texas. My problem is, what should I do about Martha's other child, Stella's 8-year-old brother, "Carl"?

We are adopting Stella with no opposition from family. Martha neglects Carl as she did Stella, but refuses to give him up because she says she actually wanted to have Carl as opposed to her daughter. Stella would like us to adopt her brother, too, and becomes almost hysterical when we try to explain that it isn't possible right now.

I need an outside opinion. Should we consider adopting this other child? We already have my biological son with us full time. Help! -- WORRIED UP NORTH

DEAR WORRIED: If you believe that Carl is being neglected or that Martha is an unfit mother, it should be reported immediately to children's services. If they investigate and find there is cause, Stella's brother will be removed from the house.

However, whether you are in a position to adopt him is something on which you and your husband can decide. It will be an expensive undertaking, emotionally and financially, and there may be repercussions within the family. You should consult the attorney who is assisting you in Stella's adoption.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letters you print about acts of kindness. Twenty-two years ago, while I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I decided we'd take a quick trip to East Canyon Dam in Utah to play at the lake and spend the night. We took the food and supplies we thought we'd need. It was summer, the weather had been great and we planned to sleep under the stars.

As luck would have it, we were hit with an unexpected storm so severe we were unable to drive back down the canyon in the dark. We sought shelter in our tiny car, hoping the storm would die down. The next thing we knew, someone was knocking on our car window.

It was a man inviting us to come into his and his wife's camper out of the downpour. They couldn't stand to see us out in our car in the cold.

We accepted their invitation to stay warm and dry in their camper, and the next morning we all had breakfast together. I wrote down their names and address as we thanked them and left for home. I sent them a thank-you card later, but it was returned as undeliverable.

If they read this, I want them to know I think of them often and I'm still grateful for their act of kindness. The memory of their generosity inspires me to reach out a hand to others. -- J. CRAWLEY, AMERICAN FORK, UTAH

DEAR J. CRAWLEY: You and your husband were indeed fortunate that night. When I started reading your letter, I became concerned that you might be describing a plot from a "Friday the 13th" film. But as I continued I realized that it reminded me more of a story from the New Testament in which a caring innkeeper allowed another young, expectant couple to take shelter for the night in his barn. Your letter is a testimonial to the fact that an act of spontaneous generosity can have benefits that last far beyond when it's offered.

DEAR ABBY: "Charlotte" and I dated happily for six years before we married. Now, after only a few months, she finds almost everything about me wrong. For example, I offered to trim her toenails, not because I thought they looked bad but because I thought she might appreciate it. She became upset with me and accused me of criticizing her appearance.

This kind of thing happens every week. I feel uneasy about saying anything to her. All I'm trying to do is show her how much I love her and that I'm there for her. Charlotte is beautiful. She's 51 but looks 40. I'm 61 and look 61. Have you any advice for me? We have both been married twice before. -- TRYING TO BE THE PERFECT HUSBAND IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TRYING: What a sad situation. Not knowing Charlotte, I can't comment on her quirks. Has she always been sensitive about her appearance or is this something new? Has your behavior changed since the wedding? In other words, could you be trying so hard to please her that it is off-putting?

Please consider this, and if her fault-finding continues, see if she will agree to marriage counseling. Whatever is happening between you, without some mediation, neither of you will be happier in this marriage than you were in the two that preceded it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17, and my younger brother is 16. He is already a father, and when he goes out with his friends, he ends up getting in trouble. I have tried to explain to him that he needs to stay away from those "friends" and think about his baby. He was arrested four days after the baby was born, and he just got out of jail.

I have already told him I don't want to visit him in jail again, and I don't want my nephew to grow up without a dad. What can I say so that he can stay out of trouble? -- BIG SISTER IN DODGE CITY, KAN.

DEAR BIG SISTER: Although you are only a year older, you appear to be a lot more emotionally mature than your brother. Somehow it seems he has not yet grasped the fact that irresponsible actions bring about consequences. While I appreciate your desire to protect him from himself, it is just not possible. I'm sorry to say that some people have to learn their lessons the hard way, and your brother appears to be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: My only child will graduate in June, and we are faced with a problem. My mentally ill sister -- who has a history of making scenes -- wants to attend the graduation ceremony. She has spoiled many family celebrations. It makes no difference to her where or when she "goes off."

Although I believe in forgiveness, I don't want to take the chance that she will ruin the day my son graduates. There is a growing rift in the family over this, and I welcome your advice. -- MOTHER OF THE GRADUATE

DEAR MOTHER: I assume that your sister cannot control her emotions and behavior. Tickets to most graduation ceremonies are strictly limited, and if you have reason to believe that her presence will be disruptive, you should not invite her. If you are planning a celebration for extended family and friends afterward, she can be included as long as someone is assigned to watch over her and will escort her out if she creates a scene.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I need some advice -- fast! My daughter, "Julie," is being married in July to a wonderful young man I'll call "Denny," who is also an only child. Julie and Denny planned a small, intimate wedding with close friends and family to be held in our prize-winning flower garden. The guest list was limited to 50, so my sister is catering the happy day.

Now, suddenly, Denny's mother bought another 200 invitations and mailed them out! At last count, we have 180 guests! I thought the guest list was up to the bride and groom. Not only is there not enough room in our garden, but no parking! We live in a small, gated community, and our covenants do not allow for that many cars. Must we find another venue for the wedding or can we tell mom-in-law-to-be she was out of line? -- FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR FUTURE M.I.L.: What Denny's mother did was extremely presumptuous. However, this is not your problem, so please don't make it so.

Inform Denny's mother that entertaining more than 50 wedding guests on your property is forbidden by the codes, covenants and restrictions in your community and that she must now call every one of the guests she invited and rescind the invitation. Then alert the security personnel that only those on the original guest list are to be admitted.

Please understand that you and your daughter have my deepest sympathy, because this is only the opening salvo in the power struggle that's to come with this nervy woman -- so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 years old and, aside from my wedding day, I have never worn makeup. Several people have told me that "every woman needs makeup." I have pretty good skin, so I just brush them off and continue going without.

Lately, however, I have noticed that my cheeks and forehead are a bit more red than the rest of my face, and I would like to try some foundation or something to help even out my complexion. I'm not looking to go from zero to 60; I just want to start with the basics. I'm just not sure where to start.

I am wary of beauty consultants who will try to sell me overpriced stuff that I don't need. Also, I am afraid my husband, who has been fine with my "au naturel" appearance, will wonder why I'm all of a sudden interested in makeup. We have a great marriage, but he has mentioned in the past how glad he is that I don't wear makeup because it is messy and time-consuming. Can you give me some advice? -- MAKEUP-CHALLENGED IN TEXAS

DEAR MAKEUP-CHALLENGED: I'll gladly share some important beauty advice with you. It's something I learned in my 20s.

When it comes to your skin, your best friend is a good dermatologist. He or she can determine whether this change in your complexion is "cosmetic" or a symptom of an underlying medical problem. It could be something as simple as an allergy to the soap you are using, but you need to find out what is causing the irritation rather than trying to cover it up.

DEAR ABBY: You once published a beautiful short poem having to do with the value of reading to children. Encore, encore! -- MOMMY IN TACOMA

DEAR MOMMY: With pleasure. It is from a poem titled "The Reading Mother" and was written by Strickland Gillilan.

"You may have tangible wealth untold;

"Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.

"Richer than I you can never be --

"I had a mother who read to me."