DEAR ABBY: I have recently enjoyed the success of having my first book published. However, this achievement has begun to change my life in ways I hadn't expected.

I am a somewhat shy and reflective person by nature, preferring to live quietly rather than being in the spotlight. Having the freedom to spend time with my family and to enjoy the little things in life is more important to me than success. However, since my book's debut, I have felt myself pulled into a different sort of world.

I am meeting more "important" people than I can remember, and I am struggling to keep up. My inbox is inundated with questions, appointments and invitations. I am expected at speaking events and signings that don't feel entirely authentic. I know I would be an idiot not to embrace these opportunities, but I am becoming more and more uncomfortable and stressed. Maybe this just isn't me.

How can I be who I am without feeling like a disappointment to those who believe in me? -- NOT WHAT I EXPECTED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NOT: For your own sake, it is important that you stop being so self-critical. There is more to being a successful author than just writing. You are among the lucky few who has been published, and you now have a responsibility to yourself and to your publisher to promote your work and do public relations.

This is a window of opportunity that won't last indefinitely, and it's important that you recognize that fact. In case no one has mentioned it, every business involves relationships. Meeting people of all kinds will prove valuable to you in the future -- long after the hoopla of this book has died down.

Stop saying this isn't you because it IS you. And if your schedule is too stressful, cut it back a little.

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering about the practicality of contacting my ex-wife about our unmarried, middle-aged daughter, "Della." Our daughter is an attractive (when she wants to be), well-educated woman who has her own business and has never given either of us cause for concern. However, some of the decisions Della has made in the last year or so have not reflected what I consider to be basic common sense.

Two of the decisions involved considerable amounts of money. Others involve day-to-day dealings with people in general. I have occasionally spoken up and raised questions about the decisions she has made, but Della seems to neither understand nor appreciate my point of view.

There is nothing illegal or unethical about what my daughter is doing, but her naivete at times makes her an easy mark for people who don't have her best interests at heart.

Should I express my concern to Della's mother? She doesn't see our daughter as often as I do. My ex and I have not talked for a long, long time. -- IGNORE IT, OR NOT? SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR "IG": If you would like to talk to your ex-wife, by all means call her. But if she has less contact with your daughter than you do, she isn't going to be able to influence her, either.

Della is an adult, and sometimes experience is the most effective teacher. People often learn more from their mistakes than they do their successes. Perhaps after your daughter makes a few more poor choices she will be more receptive to listening to the voice of experience.

DEAR ABBY: I was pleased that you advised "Remorseful in Georgia" (Jan. 27) to find another outlet for her guilt and "leave the scab alone." I was recently contacted by my fiance's former girlfriend, a woman who had made several attempts to break us up when we first became a couple. Although she apologized for the problems she tried so hard to cause between us, all it did was dredge the feelings of anger and anxiety up again. She was calling for purely selfish reasons -- not to give me the chance to confront her, but under the guise of "wanting to be friends." Whatever made her think I would want her friendship?!

If "Remorseful" needs a way to rid herself of her guilt, I recommend she get therapy. She may be trying to escape her karma. In my experience, she can run, but she can't hide. -- UNTOUCHABLE IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNTOUCHABLE: Some readers felt I should have preached forgiveness, and they referenced AA and the Bible -- both of which advocate making amends to those we have harmed in the past. They may or may not be right, but I saw no reason for "Remorseful" to transfer her burden of guilt to the shoulders of the person she wronged -- just in case that woman didn't have the inner strength to be forgiving. However, read on:

DEAR ABBY: Sorry, but I don't agree with your reply to "Remorseful." It's never too late to say "I'm sorry," no matter what the offense. The words don't benefit only the person carrying the guilt. Someone who has been hurt in such a traumatic fashion needs to know that his or her pain has finally been acknowledged, even 20 years later.

Those women will never be friends. But "Remorseful" admitting her part in the betrayal, albeit without comparing it to her own past pain, could start both women on a journey to emotional healing. I am sure that's why AA and similar support groups stress the need to seek forgiveness for past wrongs as one of the steps to keeping it together. -- DIANE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR ABBY: I was in the same situation as "Remorseful." Although my husband and I had been divorced for years, I still felt I needed to apologize to his former wife. I finally summoned up the nerve to place the call. I told her who I was, how sorry I was for the pain I had caused her and asked for forgiveness.

She was gracious. She laughed and said, "Honey, you did me the biggest favor anyone has ever done for me. You took him off my hands!" We laughed, we cried and had a wonderful conversation. I'm so glad I made that call. -- RELIEVED IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Remorseful" -- the gal who feels guilt from 20 years ago for an affair she had. Why do women always feel the need to apologize for things that MEN do? The man was the adult here. The gal was 20 and living in a fantasyland of happily ever after. If the ex-wife feels anger, she should direct it where it is needed -- at the HUSBAND, not the young girl lured in with fake promises.

Get over it! If the ex-wife is so stupid as to be bitter over a failed marriage from 20 years ago -- that she herself probably had a hand in the demise of -- then it's HER problem and not "Remorseful's." Stop letting the men off the hook. The husband didn't care, so why should she? -- SUE FROM MESA, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced father of three who has worked hard at staying part of my children's lives, contributing financial and emotional support through college. I have since remarried and have a good relationship with all three, who are now on their own, working and leading normal, healthy and productive lives.

My 24-year-old daughter, "Amanda," has recently become engaged. Despite my giving her a "heads up" about wanting a courtesy call from her fiance, "Larry," at some point, I got nothing. Apparently, she told him it wasn't necessary. So much for who will wear the pants in their family.

Without being a jerk, I mentioned something to Larry -- half in jest -- when they called to give me their good news. Knowing that I may have been slightly offended, I can't believe he didn't call me a few days later with an explanation or an apology. When I later mentioned to Amanda that I was disappointed, she and her sister insisted that the custom is outdated.

Larry is 30; he's no kid. I haven't found one dad yet who didn't get "the call" from a daughter's intended. Do I need to let go of this, or am I justified in speaking further to Larry about it? The wedding is getting closer, and I am ... DISMAYED IN ROSWELL, GA.

DEAR DISMAYED: For everyone's sake, it would be better if you cooled off and stopped the advice gathering. While I agree that the formality of asking for a woman's hand (or whatever) may be outdated, particularly if a daughter is self-supporting and out on her own, it is still a gesture of respect. It would have been nice if she had held your feelings in higher regard, but perhaps she didn't feel her fiance would pass muster.

I don't know how many dads to whom you have confided this story, but for all concerned, it might be less embarrassing if you stopped and accepted the fact that, as much as you might like to protect your daughter, the gesture was unwelcome.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college-educated mother of three wonderful, well-adjusted children. The decision that I would not work was one that my husband and I made with the understanding that we would have to forgo a lot of luxuries because we wouldn't have a second income. It has been worth it, and we have no regrets.

I would never dream of asking a working mother to give me money so I could buy something I can't afford. So why, then, do so many working moms have no compunction about asking me for my time? The requests are endless -- running their child's forgotten homework to school, picking up their kids from activities, doing their share at school functions, letting their dogs out, etc. Please tell me what to say to these nervy women. -- BUSY WITH MY OWN IN TENNESSEE

DEAR BUSY: The working women who ask these favors may not appreciate the fact that being a stay-at-home mother is also a full-time job. If their requests make you feel encroached upon, all you have to say is that you can't do it because you have a "previous commitment." (You do not have to say that the commitment is to your own children.)

However, before you start turning down these other mothers in a wholesale fashion, allow me to remind you that the way to have friends is to be one. And the time to be a friend is when someone needs one. You don't have to be a pushover -- but don't isolate yourself, either.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: A happy Passover, everyone!