DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to share some hard-earned advice with your readers. The custom of making donations to a charity in honor of a loved one is common practice nowadays. Although I wholeheartedly support the idea, there can be "problems."

I have learned the hard way to always send a sympathy card to the family, indicating that I made the donation. A close friend's mother passed away, and I made a contribution to her favorite charity clearly indicating on the check "in memory of."

After six months of not receiving an acknowledgement, I politely asked my friend how many donations had been made in her mom's memory. Her answer was "none." When I explained to her that I had sent a donation and so had many other people, she phoned the charity. Their answer was, "Sorry, we forgot to mail out the list"!

On another occasion a relative informed me that my name wasn't on the list of donors. I told her to call the organization back because I had a canceled check. When she did, they informed her that the entire list hadn't printed out correctly. -- LESSON LEARNED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LESSON LEARNED: Thank you for writing. I'm sure your letter will raise some eyebrows. Readers, if you follow this advice, it could prevent some misunderstandings and hurt feelings, so file this information in your memory banks.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rollie," and I have an issue regarding his ex-wife, "Flora." She lives seven hours from us in the same city as their grown children. Rollie sometimes goes without me to spend time with the boys. I don't have a problem with not being included on these trips because I know my husband misses his sons and wants to spend "guy time" with them.

My issue is Rollie is too cheap to pay for a hotel -- although we do have the money -- so he stays with Flora. I don't consider myself a prude, but I find this unacceptable.

Can you give me your view? Supposedly, at least one of the "boys" is staying there, too. -- THE CURRENT MRS. IN JAMESTOWN, N.Y.

DEAR CURRENT MRS.: I can see both sides of this question. Rollie loves his money and you love Rollie, and his staying with his ex is a gut-level threat, whether real or imagined. Out of respect for your feelings, your husband should stay with one of his grown sons when he goes to visit. That way, he won't have to shell out any money, and you won't have to worry about appearances.

DEAR ABBY: I am 14, just got my first boyfriend, and I don't know how to tell my mom. I don't want to ask my friends because I don't want them to know that I haven't told my mom yet. She can be overprotective sometimes, and I'm afraid she will go crazy because her one and only daughter has her first boyfriend. I feel guilty because I don't want to lie and not tell her about him. Please help. -- DESPERATE IN LONGVIEW, TEXAS

DEAR DESPERATE: Many people your age see each other in groups. If the young man isn't already a part of your group of friends, start including him. That way, your mother can meet and get to know him, and the concept that you might like each other won't be threatening to her. I agree that she must be told because you are at an age when a daughter should be able to tell her mother anything.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old male living what appears to be "the dream." I have completed my bachelor's degree, and I'm starting what will more than likely be a prosperous career. Still, something important is missing.

All my life I have always felt very isolated. Although I have been able to develop "friendships," the more I progress in life the more these friendships slip away.

I have been unsuccessful in finding a mate, and I am embarrassed to still be a virgin. Is there something horribly wrong with me that drives people away? -- LONELY GUY, MONTREAL, CANADA

DEAR LONELY GUY: I doubt it. You have accomplished a lot for someone your age, and the way you did it was by focusing your energies on your studies rather than your social skills. Now that you are starting your career, begin joining business-affiliated groups so you can widen your circle of acquaintances. This will help both your business and social lives -- which will eventually blend together.

Give yourself some time and please do not obsess about the virginity issue. I am sure you will meet someone who will accept and value you for the person you are, and the condition will resolve itself.

DEAR ABBY: I own a motorcycle, which is my only means of transportation. The other day I had a conversation with a stranger who "needed" to tell me about someone she knew who was paralyzed in a motorcycle crash. This isn't the first time I have had this conversation. It seems that almost everyone knows someone who was killed or maimed in a bike crash.

Abby, I know there is an increased risk of personal injury where motorcycles are concerned, and the thought of it happening to me isn't a pleasant one. But why do people insist on telling me these horror stories? How should I respond to such insensitive statements? -- LOW RIDER IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOW RIDER: Some of them may be trying to warn you, while others may simply enjoy telling horror stories. The way to handle it is to say, "Thank you for your concern."

Now I have a question for you: Why are you engaging in lengthy conversations with complete strangers?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married a few weeks ago, and I hope you'll let me share with your readers what we did. Because we have both been married before, we didn't need any gifts from family and friends -- nor did we want a money tree.

Instead, we asked our guests to please bring nonperishable food items or a cash donation that would be given to our local food bank. A representative from the food bank was present to receive the food and donations.

Abby, the response was overwhelming! We had tables filled with food items. More than $600 in cash donations was given, and we are still receiving food and money to be forwarded to the food bank.

My husband and I feel truly blessed. God has been good to us, and we have been able to pass along those blessings to people who need help. I hope my letter will inspire others to assist their local community food banks in this unique way. -- BLESSED IN SOUTHERN OREGON

DEAR BLESSED: So do I because the need has never been greater. Here in Los Angeles, the people who run the food banks are reporting that requests for food assistance have increased by as much as 41 percent in the past year. What you and your husband did was caring and generous, and I, too, hope it will be replicated.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in high school. My family does not have a lot of money, but a lot of my friends' families do. (We have some money, but it's only enough to get by.) When my friends come to school with new clothes or concert tickets, I feel resentful because I can't afford them. I constantly compare myself to other girls and feel jealous of everyone around me. Is there anything I can do to combat this? -- JEALOUS OF EVERYONE IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR JEALOUS: I can think of few things so self-defeating as constantly comparing oneself to other people. No matter what income bracket a person is in, there will always be individuals who have more. Your worth as a person has nothing to do with what's in your closet, what's on your back or whether you can afford concert tickets.

One way to start feeling better about yourself would be to make a list of the qualities that make you special. You are obviously intelligent. Are you also a loyal friend? Are you sensitive to the feelings of other people? These important qualities will outlast any fashion fad -- and the popularity of most music groups, too. The more time you spend dwelling on the important qualities you have, the less time you'll waste being preoccupied with the material things you don't.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with a terrible secret for the past five years. I don't love my older son. He is very difficult and has been since infancy. Don't get me wrong -- I'd jump in front of a bus to save him -- but I don't like him.

I have a degree in psychology and have taught child development. I have taken parenting classes and read every book that's available on hard-to-manage children. But I have yet to find something that can help me, and I feel terribly alone. My husband tries, but he doesn't understand what it's like because he is mostly at work.

I am involved in parenting groups, playgroups, etc., but the other mothers all seem to be doing everything "better" than I am, and I have never heard any other mom admit to having negative feelings toward her kid.

What makes it worse is I adore my younger son and feel a special bond with him. I know this must be awful for the older boy because I'm sure he senses it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. But I don't know how to change what I feel. Abby, how can I change things? I desperately want to be the kind of mother my son deserves. -- ASHAMED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ASHAMED: Nowhere in your letter did you mention that you have taken your older son to a child psychiatrist for any sort of an evaluation. Children who are "very difficult" can sometimes have a physical or psychological disorder. There may even be a support group for you comprised of other parents who are experiencing the same feelings that you have.

It is important that you seek professional help for both of you. Your son may have a disorder, but until you find out the cause of the behavior that makes him "unlovable," there will be no help for either of you.