DEAR ABBY: My husband "William" and I have been married 32 years. I love him dearly, but his health is poor. William is only 55, has had five heart attacks and has three stents in his heart. His last visit to the ER included being hit with paddles because his heart had stopped. In spite of this, my husband continues to smoke, eat whatever he wants and so on. I feel as if I am just waiting for him to die.

I think about this all the time. When I try to call my husband and he doesn't answer, I envision him at home dead on the floor. We have made all the arrangements necessary for when the time comes.

We recently moved into a new home. William works constantly around the house and then complains to me about how tired he gets. When I encourage him to take it easy and rest, he says, "I have to get everything done before I die." It's driving my crazy.

How do I end these obsessive thoughts of my husband dying? It scares me to think of life without him. We have been together since I was a teenager. Other times I feel as if his death will actually set me free. William is a good man, and I'm troubled by these constant nagging thoughts. Any advice would be a blessing. -- WAITING IN TEXAS

DEAR WAITING: Considering the circumstances, your concern is normal. If my husband had had five heart attacks and didn't take care of himself, I would be worried sick, too.

It is very important that you understand and accept that your husband is living his life on his own terms, exactly the way he wants to -- smoking, eating, fixing up the house so it will be "perfect" for the woman he loves. Enjoy him to the fullest and be thankful for every day you have with him, because the more you obsess about losing him, the less you will be able to enjoy the present. If you think about it -- the present is all that anybody is guaranteed. A talk with a therapist or a member of the clergy -- so you'll have someone to lean on when the time comes -- may help you make your way through the process of acceptance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a responsible adult, age 28. I have a college degree and a good job. I pay my bills on time and own my own home. My situation is I had a child when I was a teenager.

Often when people find out that I am his mother, they'll make a comment such as, "Oh, you're too young to have a 12-year-old child." That statement is absolutely correct. However, I don't feel I should have to go into detail about how old I was when my son was born.

Can you please provide me with a response that will not be rude but will end the conversation? While I understand where the generalizations about teenage mothers come from, they do not apply in all situations. -- YOUNG MOTHER IN CHESAPEAKE BAY, VA.

DEAR YOUNG MOTHER: Just smile at the person, say, "Thank you for the compliment," and change the subject. You are under no obligation to reveal any further details.

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, my best friend asked me to be godmother to her beautiful little daughter, "Sharona." At the time she made it clear that if I accepted, she and her husband would name me as Sharona's guardian in their will. I was deeply touched that they would trust me with such an important responsibility and was happy to accept.

As she has grown, Sharona and I have developed a close bond, and I love her as if she were my own. Her parents have since had two sons, and although I am not the boys' godmother, they have now asked me if they can name me as guardian for all three.

I love the children, but I am 27, single and live 1,500 miles from my family. I cannot financially, physically or emotionally take on the task of raising three children. If anything were to happen to my friends, I couldn't bear the thought of anyone other than me raising Sharona. Would it be terrible if I turned down the request to also be guardian to the boys? -- GODMOTHER TO ONE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GODMOTHER TO ONE: No, it would not, because your reasons are valid. However, your friend and her husband may want to ensure that their children would all be raised together if anything were to happen to them -- which it probably won't. So be prepared in case they decide they want to make other arrangements for Sharona.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please remind your readers that Hawaii is part of the United States? You would be shocked at how many times tourists have asked me, "Have you ever been to America?" And when I visit the mainland, people ask me if we have cars in Hawaii, if we live in grass shacks and can I dance the hula.

A great way to get the word out that Hawaii is a wonderful, up-to-date place that happens to be the 50th state in the union would be a "reminder" from you. I am proud to be an American, and I find these questions to be insulting. -- CHERI-ANN IN HONOLULU

DEAR CHERI-ANN: Please don't take offense. The questioners are not trying to be insulting. Obviously, these people were absent (or distracted) on the day that their class in modern history covered the fact that Hawaii went from being a U.S. territory to a state on Aug. 21, 1959. When you are asked these kinds of questions, tell the person to go to Google.com and search on the word Hawaii.

DEAR ABBY: I have a housekeeper who comes once a week for five hours. My family is calling me an ogre because I expect them to pick up their stuff before she arrives.

Abby, I want that woman's full five hours spent cleaning -- not picking up after everyone so she can get started. Whatever she doesn't get done will most likely have to be finished by me. I work full time, plus I am the one who runs errands and helps with homework. I don't need another chore added to my list.

Am I being unfair? -- FULL PLATE IN ELIZABETH CITY, N.C.

DEAR FULL PLATE: Not from my perspective. Insisting that your family learn to pick up after themselves and care for their clothing is doing them a favor. In years to come, when they are out on their own, those lessons will have become second nature and maybe they won't need a housekeeper.

DEAR READERS: Since I printed the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30), I have learned that not only individuals, but also some churches feel so strongly about separating the legal aspect of marriage from the religious that they have voted to only "bless unions," and their clergy no longer sign marriage licenses. Among them are member churches of the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian-Universalists and the Quakers. Instead, the model they follow is the one used in Europe, in which couples go to a courthouse to register their marriage, and then to a church or synagogue for a religious ceremony. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In this day and age, especially with jobs so scarce, a lot of young couples are finding that by becoming legally married they disqualify themselves from things like prenatal care, health care for their children and government assistance programs. In order to survive, many couples now opt to have the ceremony without the paperwork.

Another idea gaining in popularity is that unless everyone in this country has equal rights for marriage, no one should be getting married. Several couples I know have married without the paperwork because they regard the alternative the same as sitting at a segregated lunch counter, and they are unwilling to support segregation.

Many people feel there is a blatant disregard for separation of church and state and that "legal" marriages are not at all legal, but an example of government recognizing those with faith while disregarding those who have a different point of view on what family is. -- REV. M.N.R. IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married by a minister, but without a marriage license because his financial problems could have adversely affected me. Because we did want to commit to each other, we called it a "Ceremony of Commitment." We view ourselves as being married, and I have a ring.

When the ceremony was held, everyone knew what was going on. We requested no gifts, but many people still brought them. Because we were honest, some of the members of my church have turned against me and refuse to talk to me. They acknowledge my granddaughter and will talk to her while I am standing there watching, but will not say a word to me.

The way the couple in the letter you published handled it wasn't fair to their families and guests. They should have been upfront about it, which would have given everyone the right to make their own decision about whether to attend. I see nothing wrong with being married in the eyes of God. When the Bible was written, did they have marriage licenses then? -- REBECCA IN SUNNYVALE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Increasing numbers of us reject licenses from the state in favor of honoring God's word -- and it's not just old people who want to hang onto welfare benefits.

Nowhere in the Bible does a servant of God ask permission from the government to marry. The Father is more than good enough. And while there are references to "what God has joined together," there is no similar praise for what Caesar has blessed.

The state may want to control and even redefine marriage. But a covenant before God, and witnesses, has been more than good enough for His people throughout most of history, and it has worked for my house for more than 30 years. -- GOD IS OUR WITNESS IN COLORADO

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