DEAR READERS: Since I printed the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30), I have learned that not only individuals, but also some churches feel so strongly about separating the legal aspect of marriage from the religious that they have voted to only "bless unions," and their clergy no longer sign marriage licenses. Among them are member churches of the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian-Universalists and the Quakers. Instead, the model they follow is the one used in Europe, in which couples go to a courthouse to register their marriage, and then to a church or synagogue for a religious ceremony. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In this day and age, especially with jobs so scarce, a lot of young couples are finding that by becoming legally married they disqualify themselves from things like prenatal care, health care for their children and government assistance programs. In order to survive, many couples now opt to have the ceremony without the paperwork.

Another idea gaining in popularity is that unless everyone in this country has equal rights for marriage, no one should be getting married. Several couples I know have married without the paperwork because they regard the alternative the same as sitting at a segregated lunch counter, and they are unwilling to support segregation.

Many people feel there is a blatant disregard for separation of church and state and that "legal" marriages are not at all legal, but an example of government recognizing those with faith while disregarding those who have a different point of view on what family is. -- REV. M.N.R. IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married by a minister, but without a marriage license because his financial problems could have adversely affected me. Because we did want to commit to each other, we called it a "Ceremony of Commitment." We view ourselves as being married, and I have a ring.

When the ceremony was held, everyone knew what was going on. We requested no gifts, but many people still brought them. Because we were honest, some of the members of my church have turned against me and refuse to talk to me. They acknowledge my granddaughter and will talk to her while I am standing there watching, but will not say a word to me.

The way the couple in the letter you published handled it wasn't fair to their families and guests. They should have been upfront about it, which would have given everyone the right to make their own decision about whether to attend. I see nothing wrong with being married in the eyes of God. When the Bible was written, did they have marriage licenses then? -- REBECCA IN SUNNYVALE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Increasing numbers of us reject licenses from the state in favor of honoring God's word -- and it's not just old people who want to hang onto welfare benefits.

Nowhere in the Bible does a servant of God ask permission from the government to marry. The Father is more than good enough. And while there are references to "what God has joined together," there is no similar praise for what Caesar has blessed.

The state may want to control and even redefine marriage. But a covenant before God, and witnesses, has been more than good enough for His people throughout most of history, and it has worked for my house for more than 30 years. -- GOD IS OUR WITNESS IN COLORADO

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DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30). I agree the couple shouldn't have misled their guests and should have let them know it wouldn't be a state-sanctioned wedding. But these days, many couples choose not to legally wed, and for others it is not a choice.

Most gay and lesbian people do not have the opportunity to have a state-sanctioned marriage, and many progressive couples choose not to legally wed because of unequal marriage laws. Other couples view marriage as oppressive and prefer not to invite the state into their relationship.

Also, some churches will no longer perform state-sanctioned marriages until marriage is available to all couples. If members of those churches decide to be legally married, they must go to the courthouse.

My advice to that stepmother: Get over it! Celebrate the fact that your stepdaughter found her lifelong companion and is happy. And be thankful your new grandchild will have loving, committed parents. -- BETHANY IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR BETHANY: Thank you for writing. When I printed "Deceived's" letter I had no idea I was catching a hot potato. The mail from readers about this has been most interesting and enlightening. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Oh, boy, did you open a can of worms with that one! Don't you know that many gay people are frustrated with the government's refusal to grant them a legal marriage? And many couples today no longer have any desire to "register" their union with the government, and have decided to forgo the legal benefits associated with it. They stand together to publicly celebrate their joy and commitment to each other. A "government-approved" marriage means far less to them than one affirmed by God, family and community. -- ALEXANDRA IN OAKLAND

DEAR ABBY: "Deceived," who complained about the marriage ceremony that was "not legal," pointed out the difficulty we have here in the United States where marriage is the only sacrament that is completely entwined with civil law. What we need is separation of church and state.

Governments should allow the CIVIL marriage of any two individuals who want to take on the rights and responsibilities of marriage. Churches should provide a RELIGIOUS marriage to those couples who satisfy their requirements for a religious marriage. That way the government would be out of the religious sacrament business and only in the business of conferring legal rights and responsibilities upon committed couples. -- BECKLEY, W.VA., LAWYER

DEAR ABBY: You should know that the minister, priest, judge (or whoever) does not "marry" the couple. They only "officiate" -- and that's it. In many places around the world people declare in front of family, friends and/or community that they take each other as man and wife -- and they are legally married. They do, at some time in the future when the official comes around, go ahead and go through the "formality," but they have already been married all that time before the official shows up.

Depending upon where this couple "pretended they got married," they may very well be married.

Keep up the good work, Abby. You're doing a heck of a good job. -- DONALD H., ST. JOSEPH, MO.

DEAR DONALD: Thank you for the kind words. Readers, I'll have more on this tomorrow. It appears "the times may be a-changin'..."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother lives in a rural area. Luckily, she is surrounded by wonderful neighbors who enable her to continue living in her home without assistance. They shop for her, maintain her lawn, do handyman repairs, cook for her and regularly check on her well-being.

Unfortunately, after being discharged from a recent hospital stay, Mama discovered that one of her "trusted" neighbors has been using her credit card to pay their utilities. She is heartsick. She has taken the necessary steps to cancel the credit card, but now is conflicted about the best way to handle such a sensitive issue.

Abby, is there a way for everyone to save face in this situation? -- LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

DEAR L.T.N.: I hope you realize that what you have described is more than an embarrassment. It is elder abuse and fraud.

With one glaring exception, your mother's neighbors are angels. However, they have shouldered a responsibility -- seeing that your mother is cared for -- that really belongs to your family. If you cannot personally see to it that she gets the help she needs to live independently, you should contact your state's Area Agency on Aging or Department of Social Services and arrange for someone who is bonded to do it.

A social worker can help your mother report this matter to the police in a way that she will not be embarrassed and that may help her recover the funds that were stolen.

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits' end with my 9-year-old son, "Zane." After his wrestling practice I tell him to take a shower. He either flat-out refuses or makes excuses to prolong not taking one and then refuses. A few times I have had to personally bathe him. Zane doesn't brush his teeth regularly and barely changes his underwear. I don't know what to do to get him to take care of his personal hygiene. Please give me some advice. -- TANYA IN NORTH LIMA, OHIO

DEAR TANYA: One effective way to get a child to live by the rules is to establish them and consistently enforce them. If you are unable to get through to Zane, perhaps his wrestling coach can impress upon him the importance of personal hygiene.

When Zane returns from wrestling practice, inform him that dinner will not be served until he has taken his shower. In the mornings, let him know he is expected to brush his teeth before coming to the breakfast table, and check him out. This may be a stage your son is going through, but if it persists for more than six months, you may need more help than I can give you in this column and you should consult a child psychologist.

DEAR ABBY: When dining out at an establishment where you order your food at the counter and then they bring your food to the table, is a tip necessary?

Also, when going to coffee shops, tip jars frequently sit on the counter. How obligated should I feel to tip the people behind the counter? -- JAMI IN NASHUA, N.H.

DEAR JAMI: Food servers often earn minimum wage, which they supplement with the tips they receive. If your server is efficient and pleasant, you should leave a tip. The usual amount is between 10 and 20 percent.

At a coffee shop where there is a tip jar, assuming that you did not sit down to be served, you should put your spare change into the jar.