DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have been with a great guy, "Albert," who's 20, for more than a year. We're engaged to be married and live together in a condo we recently bought. We both work full time and support ourselves comfortably.

While I would love to marry Albert, I feel we are young and I see no need to rush into it. Things are wonderful between us, but I'm not really looking forward to a wedding.

Albert wants a formal wedding with family in attendance. He says his parents and other family members would be upset if we eloped and would have trouble forgiving him. I'm a rather reserved person, and the idea of being put in the spotlight, with all the hoopla and expense, is overwhelming. In fact, to elope would be perfect for me.

When I share my feelings with Albert, he becomes offended and accuses me of not being as "in love" with him as he is with me. I do love him, and I would be happy to be his wife. I'm just not interested in a ceremony and everything that goes with it. We need advice. -- RELUCTANT BRIDE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR RELUCTANT: The fact that you "see no need to rush" and say you're "not really looking forward to a wedding" indicates to me that while you love your fiance and theoretically would like to marry him someday, you are not yet ready to make that final commitment. Albert may be picking up on your ambivalence, which is why he says you don't love him as much as he loves you and becomes "offended" when you try to discuss your feelings.

Of one thing I am certain: You should not elope or have any other kind of wedding right now. What you should do is talk with your clergyperson. Premarital counseling, which is offered by most denominations, will help to ensure that you and Albert are in agreement about other important topics, including (but not limited to) how you plan to handle finances, how many children you want, how they should be raised, etc. These are issues that can make or break a marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I returned to my hometown for a funeral and reconnected with a distant cousin I hadn't seen since high school. "Jake" and I were close growing up, but had lost touch after I moved away at 17.

Since my trip home we have been in constant contact. Over Thanksgiving, Jake joined me for a long weekend getaway. He also made plans for us to be together on New Year's Eve and to take some other fun trips. We both feel we could have a future together, but we're worried about what people back home will say. (It's a small town where everyone knows everything.)

Jake remains very close to some of my other family, so it would be hard to drop the "cousin" role. I spoke with my doctor before getting involved; he confirmed there are no medical reasons why we shouldn't. We're sixth cousins, but were raised as if we were closer than that.

Have you any advice on how to make the transition from cousins to a couple? -- RELATED IN OREGON

DEAR RELATED: Sixth cousins are so distantly related that there is no reason why you shouldn't be a couple if you wish to be. Becoming a couple is an evolution. Let the relationship evolve -- and don't be secretive. People who love you should be happy for both of you.

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DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I married a 40-year-old woman I'll call "Phyllis." We had dated for eight years. My problem is, after all this time Phyllis still has not moved into my home. She has never moved any of her personal belongings in either. And she runs home to her mother's house six days a week.

When I try to talk to Phyllis about this, she tells me she will bring her "stuff" over, but then she returns to her mother's and nothing changes. Please tell me what to do. -- LONELY SPOUSE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LONELY SPOUSE: It appears your wife is having an unusually hard time severing the umbilical cord with her mother, who may not even be aware that her daughter has a husband. Because you and Phyllis are so far apart on the amount of togetherness it takes to nurture a successful marriage, offer her the option of marriage counseling. If she refuses, you should consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I have a set of beautiful rosary beads I received after my mother's passing. I brought them to work and put them on to show a co-worker, and I received comments from three different people about how they never saw anyone wear rosary beads as a necklace. They said they weren't sure it was appropriate.

It made me very uncomfortable, so I took the rosary off. I would not want to be disrespectful. Could you find out if it is appropriate to wear rosary beads as a necklace? -- VAL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR VAL: While putting the rosary beads on may have made you feel closer to your mother, and your intention was to display them for your co-workers, rosaries are not an item of jewelry, and they are not intended to be worn. Rosary beads are an aid to prayer, meant to move gently through your fingers while praying.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Protective Lioness" (Dec. 3) and to you, regarding the man who took his 13-year-old son to lunch at a restaurant that features "scantily clad waitresses." You said you wondered what "other indiscretions" he would have his son hide.

Sorry, Abby, but you both overreacted to the situation. Her husband may have asked his son to keep it to himself because he knew his wife would react the way she did. If my husband took one of our teenage sons to such a place once and didn't tell me right away -- so what?

And why such a big deal over a little skin (and probably cleavage) showing? I often see less clothing on young women when I'm out shopping for groceries! And honestly, when did it get to the point that a couple must know in down-to-the-minute detail everything a spouse/lover has done while away from the other?

"Protective Lioness" doesn't sound so much "protective" as she does insecure. It makes me wonder who she's more upset about seeing the waitress -- her son or her spouse? -- A MOM IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR MOM: You're right. I did react strongly to that letter. I viewed the problem through the prism of my own experience. To me the important issue wasn't the amount of flesh that was showing in the restaurant. It was the husband telling his son not to disclose something to his mother. It didn't strike me as off-base that the woman would be upset -- not at the choice of restaurants, but at the idea that the father would instruct his son to "take sides" and keep her in the dark.

DEAR ABBY: From the time when I was a teen, whenever a romance of mine ended, my mother would continue having her own relationship with the ex, regardless of how I felt about it.

Over the years she has attended my ex-husband's wedding, still visits with my former high school boyfriend, contacts my sister's ex-boyfriend -- the list goes on and on. Not surprisingly, this issue has generated some heated exchanges.

Now my adult daughter is experiencing the same thing. She recently ended a three-year relationship, and guess where Mother ended up? She drove 20 miles to visit him in his store, although there are plenty of other stores she could have gone to nearby.

I have long felt that I didn't matter much to her since my exes were so important to her. But seeing the pain this has brought to my daughter makes me furious all over again. Should we just never introduce her to anyone in our lives until the wedding? -- SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR

DEAR SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR: You're within your rights to do that. However, I find it odd that not only does your mother have such a hard time letting go of these men, but also that all of them seem to have a hard time letting go of her. I could see this happening once -- but that it's happening with all of them seems peculiar.

DEAR ABBY: I am an obese woman who had the lap band procedure done three months ago. I am now able to eat only three or four ounces of food at a time, and I am starting to show some major weight loss.

What do I say to people with whom I go out to eat when they think I am being finicky or snobbish for not eating my entire meal? I have gotten some pretty weird stares, and one of my co-workers believes I have an eating disorder.

Abby, I would prefer not to come out and say that I have had weight-loss surgery, but I don't want people worried about me either. Any suggestions? -- MINI-ME IN TEXAS

DEAR MINI-YOU: So many people in this country have serious weight problems, I see no reason why you shouldn't be frank about what you decided to do about yours. It's not shameful, and it should not be a guilty secret. People who know you well will find out eventually.

However, if you are determined not to reveal that you had the surgery, when you eat out in restaurants, order only an appetizer. That way less food will remain on your plate.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired guy who likes to stay in shape, so I run and hike in a neighborhood park several times a week.

I was brought up to be friendly and outgoing, so I make a point of saying "hi" to everyone I pass. I don't expect anything in return, but it puzzles me that so few people (about one in six) will give a mannerly old guy the courtesy of a nod or a smile, much less a hello.

Is this the new etiquette? Women are excused, for obvious reasons, but interestingly, the prettiest ones do say hello. Any thoughts on this? -- FRIENDLY IN BERKELEY

DEAR FRIENDLY: Maybe the less "pretty" ones are so winded they can't respond. So keep jogging and don't let it get you down.