DEAR ABBY: How does one convey a message to one's dentist and his assistants that you would prefer they not discuss personal matters with each other while working on me?

I recognize that they may be so well-trained that they can converse and do these procedures at the same time. But talking over the patient gives the impression that they aren't fully concentrating on the business at hand.

Sitting in the dentist's chair with your mouth propped wide open, it's impossible to say a word. How can this be conveyed in a respectful way? -- DENTALLY DISTRESSED IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR DISTRESSED: One way to get your message across would be to wait until the procedure is finished, then tell your dentist that you feel being treated like a nonentity is rude and insensitive, and you would prefer it not happen when you're in the chair. If you don't have the courage to say it directly, then tell it to his office manager.

An alternative would be to take your business to another dentist because this one needs to practice better chair-side manners. If that's not acceptable, consider bringing an iPod and listening to it to drown out their voices.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. Over the past couple of years, I have grown very close to my 28-year-old cousin, "Amanda." She lives halfway across the country, but we have kept in touch by e-mail and had fun hanging out together last summer.

I recently heard from relatives that Amanda is planning to get married in a few months. She has not known the man very long, and he has not yet been formally introduced to our family. Amanda doesn't have much money, so they've decided on a small ceremony with only their parents attending.

I'm disappointed that I won't be able to go. I'm also afraid that Amanda and I won't be as close as we have been, since being married is a huge commitment and her priorities may shift.

I have tried talking to her about this, but she hasn't answered my e-mails. I miss the closeness we had, and I feel guilty that I'm not as excited as I should be about this big event in Amanda's life. What should I do? -- SAD COUSIN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAD: Your special relationship with your cousin is not over, but it has been moved to the back burner because right now she's distracted by her whirlwind romance and planning for her wedding. Once she comes back down to earth, I'm sure you will hear from her.

Send her a token gift and a sweet card wishing her happiness. Try to forgive her for not answering your e-mails and accept the fact that she may be distracted for a while. And rather than allowing yourself time to brood, fill your time with activities and friends you enjoy. These things have a way of working themselves out in time. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: If you divorce your husband and then start dating him again, what's the appropriate way to introduce him to associates? I say "friend"; he says "wife."

Oh, by the way, I kept my married name, so we still have the same last name. -- TIFFANY IN COLORADO

DEAR TIFFANY: Smile and say, "I'd like you to meet 'John.'" If the person asks his last name, volunteer it, and when the eyebrows go up, tell the truth -- that he's your ex-husband, not your brother.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old man in college. I am training for a profession I will love, and I know my future will be very bright.

I would like to volunteer at a soup kitchen or do something for the poor. I have done turkey drives and food drives before, but never worked directly with the people I'm trying to help. My problem is I tend to become very sad or feel helpless when I'm around disadvantaged people. I identify too strongly with their suffering.

Abby, I want to help as many people as I can during my short time on this planet, but I'm paralyzed by their pain. Is something wrong with me? Have you any suggestions? -- WANTS TO HELP IN EDEN, N.Y.

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: My grandfather used to say that a thin line separates those who have from those who don't, and it is the responsibility of those who have to reach out and do something to help the less fortunate. In your case, donating your time would be enormously helpful, and frankly, seeing you personally offering your assistance would go a long way to lifting the spirits of some needy people.

Because you are nervous about it, consider transitioning to the "front lines" by starting with food prep in the kitchen of the shelter and working your way forward as you gain more confidence. Yes, the clients are people in trouble. But they depend on the kindness of people like you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been joking recently about being a "closet case." There has always been somewhat of a question about that in the back of my mind. Another ingredient to throw in is the fact that he is very controlling about everything, including sex -- which he withholds unless it's his idea. So, is he a closet case or is he just a controlling person? -- UNSURE IN IRVING, TEXAS

DEAR UNSURE: While many a truth is spoken in jest, having never met your husband, I cannot decide for you whether or not he is gay or bisexual. He does, from your description, however, appear to be an unsatisfying life partner on at least two levels. So my question to you is, do you think you're better off with him or without him -- and is this the way you plan to live the rest of your life?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I watch our 2-year-old granddaughter almost every weekend. She and her parents live about 60 miles from us.

The problem is, we agreed when we started taking her that we would meet halfway. But for reasons unknown to me, we always have to drive a lot more than halfway. I have checked the mileage and pointed it out to my daughter and son-in-law, and they ignore it.

This may seem petty, but I'm sick of it. They both work and earn more than we do. Don't you think free baby-sitting is reason enough to get your child to the baby sitter? -- GRAND "MA" IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR GRAND "MA": Yes, I do. But as long as you tolerate this arrangement, it will continue. Instead of letting your daughter and son-in-law tell you where they are going to meet you, tell THEM where you will meet them.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, but there is one big problem. I don't like to share blankets at bedtime. The truth is, I like to sleep comfortably with my blankets tucked all around. I have honestly tried sharing, but I can't sleep that way or even get comfortable. My boyfriend thinks I'm weird and that I don't like being close to him at night. Isn't sharing a bed enough? -- CREATURE OF HABIT

DEAR CREATURE: In my opinion it is, but because your boyfriend doesn't agree with you, you DO have a problem. Getting enough sleep is important for maintaining one's health, and studies show that people aren't getting enough of it these days. Try explaining this to him, along with the fact that intimacy is what happens BEFORE you hit the sheets.

However, if he still doesn't get it, then he will have to decide whether your virtues outweigh your "idiosyncrasy." (Believe me, I've heard worse.)

DEAR ABBY: My darling husband, "Darren," and I are soul mates, yet he has asked me for a divorce. He says it's not because he doesn't love me, but because he does.

Abby, we may be facing bankruptcy. Darren doesn't want to drag me and my credit down. He doesn't want to leave, and thinks that after we divorce our life can go on as it has been -- although on paper we'll no longer be husband and wife.

My first thought was, No! We are husband and wife. I MEANT "for richer or poorer." We're in our 50s, and Darren says he is looking out for my future.

I am committed to my marriage and believe we're in this financial situation together. I didn't marry Darren for his money, and I certainly don't want to divorce him over money.

Darren swears this isn't an excuse to get out of our marriage. He says we can be married again as soon as we're back on our feet. Am I wrong about this, Abby? Should I "suspend" our marriage? It's breaking my heart to even consider it. -- IN TEARS IN TUCSON

DEAR IN TEARS: Dry your tears and make an appointment for you and Darren to consult your CPA. Your husband is either misguided, or he MAY be making an excuse to get out of the marriage.

Because the bills were run up during your marriage, divorce may not relieve you from liability. Of course, laws vary from state to state, however, it may be possible for your husband to file bankruptcy on his own. Furthermore, there needs to be a reason for divorce, and there are penalties for making false statements. So I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this year and have an etiquette question. A close family member was recently arrested and will be in jail at the time my wedding takes place. Because of our close relationship, I would like to invite him, but I'm worried that to do so would be considered more offensive than not inviting him, as he will obviously not be able to attend. What do you think? -- TRYING TO BE KIND IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR TRYING TO BE KIND: Because of the circumstances, write your family member a letter telling him that you are being married, that you love him, and you will be thinking of him on your wedding day. My feeling is sending a formal invitation would make him feel even more isolated and left out than he already does.