DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Giselle," is scheduled to have serious surgery soon, and she has forbidden us to come to the hospital. She wants only her husband to be there.

She has gone so far as to call us and make me promise that we will not come. She says we need to respect that she is a grown woman in her late 40s, and this is her decision and her way of dealing with the situation.

Giselle lives two hours from us, and she said she will let us know when we can visit for a few days. Her husband will contact us as soon as the doctor talks to him after surgery. But Giselle says that she simply "does not want to be surrounded by family."

I feel like we are being treated like family pets -- come when you're called; otherwise, stay out of the way. Up to this point we had a close relationship with her. We cannot understand her attitude. What do you think, Abby? -– BAFFLED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BAFFLED: This isn't about you or the family pet. It is about your adult daughter facing what might be a life-threatening or life-changing operation and what will make her most comfortable. I know you love your daughter, and I'm sure it is reciprocated. But I think it is imperative that you abide by her wishes and not impose your own on her at this time.

DEAR ABBY: When taking public transportation and you are seated on the aisle, is it customary and polite to get up so that someone can sit down near the window, or is it OK to just swivel to the side and let them "squeeze in"? -- SEAT SITTER IN DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR SEAT SITTER: It is better manners –- and sometimes the better part of wisdom -- to stand and allow the person to be seated.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago I received such a thoughtful Christmas gift from my daughter-in-law that I can't resist telling you about it. First, she sent a card instructing me to open my gifts according to the month written on the package -- so the giving would continue all year long.

For January, she gave me a calendar. For February, a heart-shaped pin; for March, a leprechaun figurine; for April, a bag of candy Easter eggs. A kitchen utensil holder with "Mom" on it was her gift for May; for June she gave me sunglasses; Fourth of July candles were the July surprise; my birthday gift in August was a candy dish. September is Grandparents' Month, so she gave me a grandmother plaque.

Her October gift was a small jack-o'-lantern to hang up in my window. November was a decorative wall hanging, trimmed with nuts and berries. And in December, there were two housedresses.

Abby, I loved the series of gifts. They reflected affection, ingenuity and generosity -- qualities my daughter-in-law has in abundance. Sign me ... A VERY HAPPY MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: It's clear from your letter that you and your daughter-in-law have a special relationship, and it's a credit to both of you. "Gifts that keep on giving" -- meaning gifts that continue throughout the year -- are an excellent idea. That's why magazine subscriptions, boxes of fruit and monthly arrangements of flowers are so popular. However, your daughter-in-law's gift was tailored just for you -- a very clever concept.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Jasmine," has been seeing a therapist to deal with serious depression and anxiety issues, and I think she has done well for the most part.

I am just upset that she has taken to smoking with her co-workers to deal with stress. I don't like smoking. My mother smokes, and I find it disgusting.

I hate saying these things to Jasmine because when I do, she takes it personally. We have discussed this more than once, and she insists that my asking her to stop is "being controlling." I can't know what stress she is experiencing because of her emotional problems, but I do know that smoking isn't the solution.

I love Jasmine with all my heart, and it's devastating to me to say this, but I can't be with a smoker. Our relationship has been great, but I do not choose to spend my life in a haze of tobacco smoke. I am in college and every day I see kids my age outside freezing their butts off for a smoke because it isn't allowed inside.

Please help me, Abby. This is something I can't compromise on. It's enough that I already have one person close to me who smokes -- I don't need another. – ANTI-SMOKER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANTI-SMOKER: The fellow students you see freezing their butts off for a smoke aren't doing it because they like it. They are freezing their butts off because they're addicted to nicotine, need their fix and are willing to get it in sub-zero weather if they must.

People who reach for a cigarette when they are feeling stressed regard the cigarette as a "friend" they can hold onto. What they don't realize is the cigarette is holding onto THEM -- and occasional smokers become dependent not only on the ritual but also the "drug."

You have a hard choice to make, and so does Jasmine. Perhaps it will be easier if Jasmine does the choosing. Tell her that if you smell tobacco on her hair, skin, breath or clothing, you won't kiss her. If she hasn't quit smoking within 30 days, you'll have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, kids and I fly to the West Coast once a year for either summer vacation or the holidays. As soon as we arrive, my in-laws take me -- "the wife" -- to the grocery store to shop for food and expect me to pay half the bill.

Abby, my in-laws are not hurting for money, and I have never understood this bizarre custom. I don't appreciate getting off a long plane flight to go grocery shopping and incur yet another expense after paying for air travel, etc. I wouldn't dream of doing it to them. Everything is always taken care of before they come to visit us.

Would you consider this poor hospitality on their part, or a difference in cultures -- East Coast formal versus West Coast casual? I am trying to let it go, but it is getting old. -- DREADING NEXT TIME, HAMPTON, VA.

DEAR DREADING: What you have described is not a difference in cultures. Your in-laws may not be hurting for money, but they may be on a budget. Because being taken to the grocery store and asked to pay for half the groceries bothers you, on your next visit have them take their son along so he can have the pleasure. You can't change his parents, so don't let it ruin your visit.

DEAR ABBY: "Young and in Love" (Oct. 31) does not need to "defend" herself. Lots of folks who marry young have successful marriages. I was 20, and my wife was 21 when we married. My mother thought I was too young, but signed the paper giving us permission because I was underage in the state where we were married. That was 54 years ago.

Our secret is a personal commitment under God to each other to make it work during the difficult times as well as the good ones. -- 54 YEARS AND COUNTING, TIGERVILLE, S.C.

DEAR 54 YEARS AND COUNTING: Your letter expresses the sentiments of many readers. Commitment seems to be the common bond between couples who have long marriages -- some as long as 70 years. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please let "Young and in Love" know that I, too, married at 20. My husband and I celebrated 24 years of marriage last month. Abby, your advice is right on. What matters most in a marriage isn't age. It's the willingness to work through whatever comes your way, no matter what it takes. What keeps us strong and still in love today is our faith and commitment to each other. -- LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT 24

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Young." I, too, was married when I was 20. There were many naysayers -- even the priest. As he was marrying us he asked, "Are you sure you REALLY want to go through with this?" That was more than 26 years ago.

If you really love and respect one another, it can last. Get rid of the doubters in your life and surround yourself with positive people.

My husband and I are more in love today than we were all those years ago. He's my best friend. One of the perks of marrying young is having kids young. Then you get grandchildren sooner. If nothing else, stay together just to prove them wrong. -- STILL IN LOVE IN CRYSTAL BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I met my wife Christmas caroling. My hands were cold and she warmed them (and my heart). I was 17; she was 14. We married when I was 22 and she was 19. Fifty-four years later, we are still together, and she warms my heart every morning when we wake up together. -- IN LOVE FOREVER, MAGNOLIA, DEL.

DEAR ABBY: Our college friends held a lottery betting how long our marriage would last. The longest bet was 18 months. Last August we decided to renew our vows in the same town and church where we were married 50 years ago. It was a very special ceremony made even more so when the priest asked the congregation to sing, "They Tried to Tell Us We're Too Young." -- BEEN THERE IN WAITSBURG, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married when we were 19 and 17, without the support of family and friends. They all said it wouldn't last because we were too young, from broken homes and hadn't finished our educations.

Each wedding anniversary we would lift a glass and say, "It can't last," except for our most recent one last March. We lifted our glasses and said, "Happy 60th anniversary, Honey." Love can overcome anything. -- OLD AND LOVED, LANCASTER, PA.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)