DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Feels Like a Fool in Gainesville, Fla." (Aug. 11), who complained that her friend "stole" her baby sitter -- I have news for that woman. Baby sitters, even those under 18, aren't indentured servants who serve only one master. A baby sitter is a free agent who can work for anybody she wants. What is that baby sitter supposed to do -- keep her schedule open in the hope this woman is going to call her? What if she doesn't? The baby sitter loses income.

"Feels Like a Fool" is selfish. It's a free market, and baby sitters in demand should work for the families who pay them the most, have the best-behaved kids and offer the tastiest snacks. If someone wants an exclusive arrangement, then put the baby sitter on retainer. -- FORMER BABY SITTER, ALBANY, N.Y.

DEAR FORMER BABY SITTER: You are right. The sitter is a free agent and obviously the "most valuable player" in the baby-sitting game. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A baby sitter is not something you can "steal." This is America, and it's a free, open market. The woman who wrote that letter should call the sitter, offer $2 more an hour and perhaps a signing bonus, along with payment up front. A good sitter is hard to find and worth the additional expense. -- JIM S. IN MOUNTAIN VIEW

DEAR ABBY: I think your response about the adults in question was right on. However, there is a third party in play here -- the baby sitter. It appears the sitter could stand to learn a little about loyalty to her employer. If she no longer wishes to sit for "Fool's" family, she should just say so and become "Mimi's" regular sitter. But if she wants to remain the regular sitter for "Fool," she needs to act like it. This is an essential life skill to learn. Treat those who employ you with respect, or they won't rely on you for very long. -- RETIRED BABY SITTER, SEWICKLEY, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Your response surprised me. It isn't normal behavior for a friend to steal a baby sitter or use you for any purpose. Isn't part of being a good friend that you trust one another? Refusing to share resources with friends implies that other friends will do the same.

The woman who used "Feels Like a Fool" needs to get the message that her behavior is unacceptable. She lied when she said it would only be occasionally; she used her friend and took advantage of her trusting nature. I think you should have advised the writer to dump the friend. -- LYN W., COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Your reply was way off. A baby sitter (hairdresser or house cleaner) often depends on word of mouth for clients. For someone to suggest the baby sitter is theirs exclusively and a "friend" should check with you before hiring her is immature and selfish.

"Fool" should stop whining, book first or find an alternative sitter. I think "Mimi" should find another friend and I don't think you should have told "Fool" to stop being so generous. She obviously isn't either one. -- DONNA H., SEQUIM, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: As a sitter myself, I'm not surprised that the friend asked for a recommendation. Parents often tell me how hard it is to find a good baby sitter, and most of the parents I sit for found me through a friend.

But I would have advised "Feels Like a Fool" differently. I would rather the parents I sit for be honest with me. They should praise their sitter and tell her how much they value her services. And if they believe she's not worth losing, try offering her a raise. -- SITTER IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are still at odds over something that happened months ago. He, his best friend and my 13-year-old son, "Mark," went to spring training in Florida. On one of the days, they went to lunch at a restaurant that features scantily clad waitresses. My husband told Mark not to tell me about it and to leave the telling to him.

When they returned home on Sunday after their three-day weekend, Mark let it slip where they had gone for lunch one day. I hit the roof!

Mark is a very young 13. I was furious that my husband took him to a place that Mark described as making him feel "uncomfortable" because of all the skin that was being shown. After I jumped on my husband for doing it, I heard him outside yelling at Mark for telling me before he had a chance to.

I'm being accused of overreacting, Abby. Am I? -- PROTECTIVE LIONESS IN ATLANTA

DEAR LIONESS: I don't think so. If your husband had been proud of what he had done, he wouldn't have asked Mark to keep it a secret. His request was both dishonest and sexist. It was an invitation to your son to join the "boy's club" and exclude you, and it makes me wonder what the next indiscretion your son would have been asked to cover up would have involved.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a normal 10-year-old girl, but when my mom gets mad, I get scared. She doesn't hit me, but I still feel panicked when she's mad.

My siblings have told me they're scared of her, too. I don't have anyone to turn to because my mom and dad are both only children.

Please tell me what to do. Should I wait until I'm older, or should I say something now? I'm confused and really scared of her. What should I do? -- SCARED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SCARED: Talk to your mother about your feelings now. You are reaching an age when you should be able to safely confide all of your concerns to her and be able to communicate without being afraid she will overreact. Because you and your siblings are all afraid, your mother may be expressing her frustration in a way that is not appropriate.

If the situation doesn't improve after you and your siblings talk to her, perhaps another adult can make her understand her behavior is counterproductive. Your dad, a close friend of hers, the mother of one of your friends, or a trusted teacher or school counselor may be able to help.

DEAR ABBY: What do I do about my aging mother who says whatever pops into her head as if she has no filter? Lately, she has been blurting out racial slurs. Abby, this is not the way we were raised.

Is my mother getting dementia? And when she does this in public, what do I say to the person she has just insulted? -- MAMA'S DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your mother may have some form of dementia -- and you and the rest of the family should inform her doctor so that Mama can get a physical and neurological workup to find out why her behavior has changed so radically.

As to what to say to the people at whom she targets her racial slurs, simply say, "Please forgive my mother. She's had another lapse, and she's not herself."

Believe me, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a foreign exchange student studying in the U.S. Other exchange students and I have been debating two questions.

The first: Is it OK to buy a movie ticket and watch two or three movies? Some say "yes" because theaters tolerate it in the hope that customers will buy snacks and drinks in the process. Others say it goes against the honor system.

The second is: Is it wrong to return merchandise you never intended to buy in the first place? Example: to buy a novel and return it after reading it. My friends say bookstores expect a certain number of returns and build it into the cost of the books. As long as the book is kept in good condition, it's OK. Other friends stress, however, that this, again, is taking advantage of the honor system.

What is your opinion? -- CURIOUS STUDENT IN HOUSTON

DEAR CURIOUS: Both of the examples you have given are forms of cheating and theft. I cannot think of a single country where this kind of behavior is sanctioned. If enough customers behaved that way, it could put the business owner out of business.

And one more thing -- you and your fellow exchange students represent your countries, and what you do while you're here reflects not only on yourselves personally, but also the country that sent you.

DEAR ABBY: I have two grandchildren. My first is a girl named "Skylar," and my second is a boy, "Dante." I raised two sons as a single mother and always had a house full of boys.

Since Skylar was born, she has become my world. I take her everywhere with me, but my nerves just can't handle Dante. I am being criticized for treating my grandchildren differently and accused of being prejudiced. It may be true. But Skylar is very sweet, while Dante -- whom I do love -- is "all boy" and hard to handle.

Are my feelings due to the fact that Skylar is my first grandchild, or because she's the first girl in my life? Or am I just burned out on boys? I turn down dates to spend time with her. I'd rather spend the rest of my life with my granddaughter than any man on Earth.

Do other grandparents feel this way, or am I obsessed? -- SKYLAR'S NANA IN FLORIDA

DEAR NANA: They may feel similarly, but if they are intelligent, mature and caring, they conceal it better than you do.

Whether you choose to spend time with your grandchildren or an eligible man is your choice. But to make it obvious that you favor one child over the other is cruel, and the less-loved little one will recognize it, be hurt and resent it.

DEAR ABBY: I have developed a weird habit. I'll remember something that happened in the past, think of what I should have said and then burst out loud with a remark. Other times I'll chuckle or say something like, "Oh, no!"

Sometimes my husband hears me and asks if something is wrong. How can I explain this without seeming like I'm totally losing it? Or am I? I'm only 50, and I'm afraid I'm turning into a dotty old lady. -- CRAZY? LADY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LADY: What you're doing isn't that unusual, so try to be less hard on yourself. You're not crazy, and you're no dottier than the rest of us. Explain to your husband that when you do this, it is an attempt to "repair" the past.

P.S. If you train yourself to stay in the moment rather than dwelling on things in the past, you will find yourself talking to yourself less often.