DEAR ABBY: Now that the year-end holidays are here, I find myself once again in the sometimes difficult position of having to explain to acquaintances and co-workers why I don't celebrate them.

I am single. My parents died many years ago, and I have no family. My only surviving sibling and his wife are both alcoholics who drink to excess over the holidays and cause tension in their family. I have attended Al-Anon meetings, and because I refused to look the other way while they were drinking, I was cut off.

Co-workers take time off at Christmas, but I take mine at other times of the year. Over time, I have found that I would rather spend a so-called holiday catching up on correspondence, taking a walk, reading a good book or sewing. Outside of work or professional organizations, I do not do anything about the year-end holidays. I understand the religious and historical significance of these celebrations and keep them in my heart, but do not observe them in a visible manner. This is my choice.

When people ask me what I'm doing for the holidays, it is an awkward moment. How can I gracefully explain that I choose to keep the holidays in my heart only and enjoy the day as a small vacation for myself? -- LONG BEACH LONER

DEAR LONER: You need no advice from me. Your last sentence expresses your sentiments beautifully.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 6 feet 2 inches, weigh 240 pounds and can bench-press 400 pounds. I practice martial arts and shoot firearms for recreation and competition on weekends. I generally keep my social life to myself unless I am specifically asked because people have made jokes at my expense in the past.

I have worked for the same company for 10 years, and have not only mastered every aspect of my job but also trained most of my co-workers and their supervisors.

Recently, a supervisor's position opened up, and many thought I was going to get it. A friend was hired instead. He apologized to me, then told me about things that had been said about me behind my back. Apparently, I'll never become a supervisor because "people don't respect me; they fear me." Also, they are "afraid I'll lose it and kill everyone."

I have no idea what to say or do with this information. I can't change who I am, and I can't change the way others see me after all this time. What would you suggest I do to get myself promoted? -- GENTLE GIANT IN FLORIDA

DEAR GENTLE GIANT: It is important that you find out whether what your friend told you is true. While your physique may be imposing, after 10 years at the company your co-workers should be familiar enough with your temperament to know that you do not pose a threat of "losing it."

Ask your employer why you were passed up for the promotion and if it's true that you have advanced as far as you can with the company. If the answer is yes, then you should look for a job with more opportunity for advancement elsewhere.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just found out that his daughter and her boyfriend duped everyone -- including us -- with a formal, traditional wedding ceremony, but the "marriage" is not legal. They had no intention of being legally wed, but felt that because they are having a baby, they were entitled to a formal wedding.

We paid a large amount of money to attend this wedding, Abby, including gifts and a bridal shower. When confronted, they showed no remorse for their deception. In fact, they are extremely arrogant about it. They say it's their personal business and consider themselves "married in the eyes of God."

I am furious over this scam, which affects more than 100 family members and friends. Please advise. -- DECEIVED IN ARIZONA

DEAR DECEIVED: Usually when couples are married in a "formal, traditional" wedding ceremony, the clergyperson or other officiant asks the couple -- and their witnesses -- to sign a marriage certificate. How could this not have happened?

"Marriages in the eyes of God" usually involve special circumstances such as seniors who are in danger of losing pension benefits if they marry in a civil ceremony. I don't blame you for being furious at the deception, which was nothing more than a gift grab. And, embarrassing as it may be, you should inform the others who were also "taken" -- better they hear it from you than think you were part of the deception.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I share a joint checking account with both checks and debit cards. When she makes purchases or writes checks, she doesn't record her purchases in the check ledger that we keep at the home computer.

I am the one who does the family finances, and if I don't check the activity online daily, it comes as a big surprise to me when her checks are cashed by the payee, sometimes weeks later.

When I confront her about recording her purchases, she turns it around and gets mad at me. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying hard to avoid bounced checks and insufficient funds fees, but I can't do it alone. I need her help, and she won't listen. How can I get her to cooperate? – FRUSTRATED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your wife's behavior is childish and irresponsible. If she can't remember to enter her checks into her check register or your ledger, then she should save her receipts and give them to you on a regular basis.

It is well-known that arguments about money and finances frequently cause marriages to fail. If your wife won't listen to you, perhaps she will listen to a marriage counselor and/or financial adviser. And if that doesn't do the trick, close the joint account and have her open one of her own so she can experience firsthand the pain of paying penalty fees.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a very special skill that is creating a problem with our friends. He can repair almost any electronic device and has done so for our friends on numerous occasions. However, it has reached the point that now they expect him to fix their devices and offer no thanks -- monetary or otherwise. How can we get the point across that his time is valuable and should be respected as such? -- HANDYMAN'S WIFE, NEWPORT, ORE.

DEAR HANDYMAN'S WIFE: Your husband should tell these people -- with a smile -- that he does not have the time to fix the item and that it should be taken to a professional repair shop or to the store from which it was purchased.

DEAR ABBY: My first serious relationship lasted a year and ended more than eight years ago. "Stacy" was terrific, but we were very different, and our relationship came to an amicable end.

Several months later, I heard that Stacy had begun dating a close friend of mine, "Alex," soon after our breakup. Needless to say, I was devastated. Alex's betrayal was as painful or more so than that of Stacy. I broke off all contact with them in an attempt to salvage my dignity. I haven't spoken to either one since.

All these years later, I am happily married to a wonderful woman. I hear through the grapevine occasionally that Stacy and Alex are still together. Whenever I do, I feel unaccountably upset. It's not that I'm pining for an old flame, because I wouldn't trade my wife for any woman on Earth. I have thought a lot about it and believe I am clinging to the naive belief -- or hope -- that people who do unkind, deceitful things always come to regret it in the end.

I am grappling with the guilt of wishing unhappiness for two people who are obviously happy together. I can't help it, but I know I'd be glad if I learned they'd broken up. I am confused and embarrassed about why I even still care. Your thoughts, please? -- LACKING CLOSURE IN SAN JOSE

DEAR LACKING CLOSURE: Frankly, after reading your letter, I am a little confused, too. You say your relationship with Stacy came to an "amicable" end because you were very different. And yet, you view the idea that a friend could be interested in her as a "betrayal," "unkind, deceitful" and an assault on your dignity. It appears that after all this time, you still have not grown up.

That a happily married adult would spend his time looking back eight years to a relationship that came to an "amicable" end, and harbor the feelings that you do, is a petty waste of time. What did you expect the girl to do? Enter a convent? Stamp "taboo" on her forehead?

You say you believe in and hope for the concept of karma. Be careful what you wish for because it can rebound and affect what happens to you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman who gained some weight after I recently quit smoking. Now my co-workers and people I hardly know keep asking me if I'm pregnant.

All the weight I've gained is in my stomach. I do look pregnant. (I have two daughters, so obviously, I have seen myself in that state.)

How should I respond to these people without coming off as mean and angry? -- UN-EXPECTING IN SCHENECTADY

DEAR UN-EXPECTING: Sometimes the best way to put thoughtless people in their place is to simply tell them the truth. In your case, smile and say, "I'm NOT pregnant." I'll bet the responses you get to that statement will be interesting.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I disagree on many things, one of which I think you can help us with. When an appointment or event is changed to a later date or time, what is the correct term? My husband says the time has been "pushed back," and I say it has been "pushed ahead." Nothing is riding on this except maybe bragging rights! What do you say? -- M.W. IN NEW WINDSOR, N.Y.

DEAR M.W.: I say it has been "postponed."

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