DEAR ABBY: My wife and I received an invitation from a family member to attend their daughter "Heidi's" wedding on Father's Day weekend. We canceled our existing plans in order to attend, and gave "Heidi and Dave" an appropriate gift. As the ceremony progressed, the minister asked, "Do you, Steve, take Heidi" ... at which point the guests began whispering to themselves, "STEVE?"

We were embarrassed, thinking we had made a horrible mistake in addressing the gift card -- and we weren't the only ones. Finally, after much discussion among the guests, someone approached the bride's mother to ask if we had made a mistake. "Oh, no," she replied. "Dave backed out two weeks ago. Heidi asked Steve if he would marry her, and he said he wasn't doing anything else this weekend, so why not?"

I was flabbergasted. Predictably, in less than three weeks, this sham of a marriage was over. Heidi, of course, retained all the gifts.

My wife says it's no big deal. I say the bride's parents should have called the guests and explained the circumstances so they could make an informed decision about attending. I was also raised to believe that in cases such as this, where the commitment to marriage was so obviously missing, that the gifts should be returned. Am I wrong? This has caused a rift in the family. -- JILTED GUEST

DEAR GUEST: It appears that Heidi and her parents became so involved in the details of the "production" that they forgot the real meaning of the wedding celebration -- the joining of two people together in a lifetime commitment to each other. Frankly, I am shocked and disappointed that a minister would go along with such a farce, much less "bless" it. (Could the clergyman also have been a stand-in for the real thing?)

Yes, the wedding should have been called off when the groom backed out. Yes, the guests should have been notified. Yes, any unopened or unused gifts should have been promptly returned. And no, you're not wrong.

DEAR ABBY: I'm looking for a socially acceptable alternative to mailing out 150 Christmas cards to all my husband's co-workers. He is a VP at the company.

I thought about making up a large platter of home-baked cookies and a platter of cheese, crackers and fruit. I would like him to bring them to work and put them in the kitchen with a note that says, "Happy Holidays from (us). This would be in lieu of Christmas cards ... Enjoy!"

I think it's a good idea, but my husband doesn't agree. What do you think? -- CHRISTMAS ELF, FOGELSVILLE, PA.

DEAR CHRISTMAS ELF: I think signing and addressing the cards might be less time-consuming. If you allow two to three cookies per person, you will be baking for days. Are you sure you know what you would be letting yourself in for?

Also, I don't know the "culture" at your husband's company and whether they are open to change. If I were you, I'd follow my husband's lead even though it is a chore. Perhaps he should address half of them.

DEAR ABBY: How do I make my husband understand that how I cut my hair has nothing to do with him? I am 30 years old, and I have a full-time job and three kids who are involved in everything. Because I am always on the go, I need a hairdo that is easy to manage and cute, so I ended up getting my hair cut short. I love it. It makes me feel younger, cuter and trendy.

When my husband and I started dating, I used to have long, thick hair -- but I was not aware that keeping my hair long was "part of the deal." He feels I cut my hair purposely to go against what he wants. That sounds selfish to me. Isn't it MY hair? -- SHORT AND TRENDY IN WEST TEXAS

DEAR SHORT AND TRENDY: You cut your hair "purposely to go against what he wants"? I wouldn't call your husband selfish. I would call him controlling.

Long hair can be lovely, but it does require time and care -- not unlike a pet or a garden. If he can't understand that your busy schedule no longer allows you that kind of time to devote to yourself, that's his problem. Do not make it yours.

You are no longer the carefree girl you were when you were dating. You are a woman with real responsibilities. And it's time for your husband to grow up, too.

P.S. If long hair is some kind of "fetish" for him, offer to buy a long wig and wear it on special occasions.

DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school, and I need help with something. I am a die-hard Christian who strongly believes in the whole "no sex before marriage" deal. All my old boyfriends have tried to take advantage of me. When I say I am saving myself for true love, they always dump me.

So here's the question: Do I tell the guy straight out that he's not getting any, or do I just wait until the subject comes up and casually mention it? -- DEE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR DEE: I see no reason to announce upon meeting someone that he "won't be getting any." Give the person a chance to know you, and while that is happening, avoid situations where you are alone and tempted.

When the subject of sex comes up, explain that you are saving yourself for MARRIAGE. It sends a clear message and is less of a put-down than saying you're saving yourself for "true love," which makes it appear he somehow doesn't measure up.

DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old daughter, "Romy," writes in a little journal that I bought her. She writes things like, "I love Blake," and "Me and Blake forever," and more. Can an 8-year-old really feel love for this boy? I always thought that girls her age didn't really care too much for boys. Am I making too much of this? -- CONCERNED MOM IN OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Little girls don't fall in love like adult women do, but they certainly can develop crushes on boys. I remember one I had on a boy named Jimmy when I was in kindergarten. I "fell in love" with him because he could swing around a pole straight-armed, and I thought he was a brilliant athlete. It was the first of many crushes. So please stop obsessing. You have nothing to worry about.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a huge problem. I am a 16-year-old girl, and last week I lied to my best friend's parents so we could go to a movie. Her parents found out and told my parents, who got very angry and have me grounded for a minimum of a month -- depending on my "attitude."

I never used to lie as often as I do now. In the first week of being grounded, I lied again and got caught. Now they don't trust me at all, and I can't even leave my school campus to go to lunch or answer phone calls or anything!

How do I get my mom and dad to trust me again when I'm grounded? If I'm not given any freedom, then how can I prove I'm responsible? I am at the end of my rope here. Please help. -- CAUGHT LYING IN COLORADO

DEAR CAUGHT LYING: Trust is built on confidence, and it is going to take some time for you to rebuild it. Put yourself in your parents' shoes. Until you are an adult, they are responsible for your health, education and growth.

The first thing you need to do is admit to them that you have screwed up. Then start working to redeem yourself. Remember, actions speak louder than words. It isn't what you say, but what you DO that matters.

If you want to be treated like a mature adult, perform like one. Be responsible for your actions, and you will earn your parents' confidence. Look at it this way -- whom do YOU trust? Those who have shown by their actions that they can be trusted, of course. I'm sure your parents are aching to trust you. So start today to show them that they can, and they will.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dru," and I get along great. We are each other's best friend, and I believe we can make it for the long haul. However, a colleague overheard a conversation I was having with my husband and told me I sounded like his mother!

I am a deployed soldier, and Dru has been dragging his feet regarding some things we need to take care of. I sometimes feel like his mother on issues where I don't think he "gets it." I do tend to "mother" the people I love, and I would like my husband to step up more and show me more often that we're a team, not a parent and child.

It could also be that my mom and brothers reject my affection, and I like to shower it on Dru because that's how I show love. Should we set more boundaries so I don't feel like my husband's mom? -- OVERLY MOTHERLY OVERSEAS

DEAR OVERLY MOTHERLY: No marriage is identical to another. The amount of give-and-take between the spouses that makes it successful -- or causes it to fail -- is a delicate balance that is different in each one. Some men like being told what to do and when to do it -- and so do some women. Other couples make their decisions jointly.

If you are uncomfortable in the role you have assumed, talk to your husband about your feelings. When you are back stateside, it may be time for some marriage counseling if you feel it's needed.

DEAR ABBY: When picking up another couple for a half-hour drive to a restaurant, should I continue to sit next to my husband (who is driving), or should I get in the back seat with the wife of the other couple, so we gals can chat and the guys can, too? -- UNSURE IN MOUNTAIN HOME, ARK.

DEAR UNSURE: It depends upon how friendly you are with the wife and how much you have to chat about. If the conversation will be so intense that you begin to resemble Linda Blair in "The Exorcist," sit in the back so you won't throw your neck out.

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