DEAR ABBY: Unbelievable as it may seem, this actually happened. I was in the ladies' room in my office building when a woman came in talking on her cell phone. She went into the stall next to mine and continued carrying on a conversation throughout her visit -- even while washing her hands!

I have mentioned this to several people. They say they have encountered the same situation in restrooms, too. Abby, how would you suggest we handle this in the future? -- SOME THINGS ARE SACRED IN MARYLAND

DEAR SOME THINGS ARE SACRED: I shouldn't have to say this, but using a cell phone while going to the bathroom is extremely inappropriate. While the desire not to interrupt a conversation is understandable, to talk while the background noise is reminiscent of an old Alka Seltzer jingle is not only an invasion of the privacy of the occupants of the adjacent stalls, but also disrespectful to the party on the other end of the line.

How to handle it? Ask the offender to please stop. However, for some people the most effective lesson in consideration for others may be when their cell phone falls into the toilet and must be replaced.

DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old son, "Blaine," is well-mannered. He knows to take his hat off indoors, and opens doors for people (when they are not too heavy for him). However, Blaine sometimes forgets to say "please" and "thank you."

When my son and I are out and someone gives him something -- like a cookie at the bakery -- if Blaine forgets and I prompt him, the person sometimes will say, "Oh, it's OK. He doesn't have to say thank you." It's very important to me that my son have good manners and always use those words. How should I respond to those who insist that it's not a big deal for children not to use their manners? -- STRICT MOTHER IN DEERFIELD, MASS.

DEAR MOTHER: I applaud you for teaching your son basic good manners, a lesson that will serve him well throughout his lifetime.

When someone tells you Blaine doesn't "have to" say please or thank you, speak up and correct the person by saying: "Oh, yes he does. 'Please' and 'thank you' are magic words in our family, and it's important that my son always remember to say them." Do this not for the adult's benefit, but in order to reinforce the lesson to Blaine.

DEAR ABBY: "Curious in the Sunbelt" (July 16) asked you if it was inconsiderate to knit or crochet while attending a meeting or other gathering. (You said it was.) While it may seem that someone can't give undivided attention to a speaker while doing something with his/her hands, that person might have Attention Deficit Disorder or be a "kinesthetic" learner. While most people absorb information through seeing and hearing, some actually need to keep their hands occupied in order to listen.

Literature on "multiple intelligences" and other learning theories support this view -- and as a former classroom teacher and current psychotherapist, I have personal experience about this reality. As long as the individual is quiet and not terribly distracting, consider this behavior a better alternative than constant fidgeting. -- JAELLINE JAFFE, Ph.D., SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DR. JAFFE: Thank you for your professional expertise regarding learning theories. I also heard from a pilot who knits while flying an airplane and a woman who pointed out that if knitting was good enough for Eleanor Roosevelt during United Nations Security Council meetings, it was good enough for her. Most readers agreed that if the individual is not disruptive to others, then what's the harm? I stand corrected.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "Friend-Challenged in Glendale, Calif." (Aug. 2) that I have been in her shoes. She needs to make her desire for friendship known to others.

For years I had a pleasant life as a wife, mother and teacher with many colleagues and acquaintances through church and other interest groups. But inside I was desperately lonely for female friendship. No one ever truly "connected" beyond the surface level.

One afternoon I was walking with a colleague and she asked, philosophically, "What do you really need in your life?" I burst into tears and answered, "I need a friend!" We hugged and cried together, and from that moment on, our deeper heartfelt relationship began and widened to include several more women who are solid, there-for-each-other friends.

I am grateful for her insightful question and emotional support. She had no idea that I felt so isolated, and I learned to be more open about my needs. -- BEFRIENDED AND BLESSED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BEFRIENDED: I want to thank you for generously sharing that life lesson. The responses I received from readers offering advice, ideas and encouragement to the young woman who lacked female friendship were touching. A sample:

DEAR ABBY: There is an old adage: You have to BE a friend to HAVE one. It seems to me that "Challenged" never takes the extra step in establishing a relationship. The phone rings two ways, and sometimes you have to call people before they call you. -- ELLEN IN CLEVELAND

DEAR ABBY: "Friend-Challenged" should become involved in community theater. There are always jobs waiting to be filled backstage, during rehearsals, at the box office, ushering or making costumes and props. Theater people will always welcome you and find a place for you to fit in. -- SYLVIA IN MORGAN HILL, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: In addition to women her age, that young woman should open herself up to those of all ages. I'm 37, but my friends include those who are 13 years younger and 54 years older than me. My best friend is 19 years older than me.

If she limits herself by looking in only one place, she will have a one-dimensional, flat life. Look everywhere. See everyone as a possible friend. You never know where it might lead you. -- OPEN-HEARTED IN AMESBURY, MASS.

DEAR ABBY: I found your suggestions to "Friend-Challenged" outdated and sexist. Groups in cooking, sewing, scrapbooking? What about learning to ski, kayak or rock climb with other women? Or a running group, hiking club or tennis league? I've done many of these, and the women I met are fun, outgoing and always ready to welcome a new friend. -- BRETT IN JACKSON, WYO.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 22, just out of college, I moved to a large city to begin my career. I knew no one, but found a church and joined a singles Sunday school class. I formed many friendships in that class. Twenty-four years later, many of those women are still my best friends. -- DIANE IN ROSWELL, GA.

DEAR ABBY: On a whim I joined a belly dancing class. It changed my life! I met women of all shapes, sizes and ages who get together to dance for the sheer pleasure of it. To meet friends and transform her self-image, I suggest "Friend-Challenged" check around for belly dance studios in her area. -- JENNY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: I joined an organization called Beta Sigma Phi -- it's an international women's friendship network. It's a sorority, but not the kind you see on university campuses. I have made friends, learned new things and become more involved in the community. For information, including dues and fees, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.betasigmaphi.org" �www.betasigmaphi.org� or call (888) 238-2221 or (816) 444-6800. -- SISTER FOR LIFE, ONTARIO, CANADA

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.

Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.

What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS

DEAR PREFERS BRIEFS: No, I do not think it is right. Regardless of your age, your feelings matter a great deal. You should wear underwear in which you feel comfortable without having to worry about anyone "finding out."

Because your wife is so tight-fisted, please consider finding a part-time job so you will have spending money of your own. Your wife may be the wage earner in the family, but that doesn't mean she should be the only one "wearing the pants."

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I ordered a taco salad and an iced tea at a popular fast food restaurant. I sat down and proceeded to eat when I noticed a couple sitting on one side of a table. Neither of them was skinny. Another couple joined them, and the women began staring at me.

I am 55 years old and 250 pounds. They were over 35 and plus-sized themselves. They may have been thinking my meal was inappropriate because of my size, but they were no different from me. I packed up my food and ate in my car. Was there a better solution? -- SALAD LOVER IN OHIO

DEAR SALAD LOVER: Yes, you should have remained at your table and enjoyed your meal. The people at the next table were in that fast food restaurant for the same reason you were.

Some folks stare because there is a lull in the conversation and they have zoned out. If you were certain they were looking AT you instead of THROUGH you, another way to have handled it would have been to have made eye contact, smiled and said, "Do I know you?"

DEAR ABBY: I helped raise my husband's son, "Scott," from the age of 9 to his present age of 19. I devoted my energy, love, money and time to all his activities, while his own mother sat by and did next to nothing to participate in any of it.

Scott has now become "best friends" with his mom, and I am all but forgotten. The way he treats me now, you would have thought that I'd beaten him with a stick. If I had it to do over again, I would never have stepped into that family situation.

Thank goodness Scott has moved out. His dad and I are having the time of our lives. I hope there is a special place in heaven for good stepmoms, because I have gotten no credit at all. -- IGNORED IN OREGON

DEAR IGNORED: I know you feel hurt and angry right now, but the story isn't over yet. Regardless of how little your husband's ex gave to their son, she is still Scott's mother. You have been a generous and loving friend to that young man, and I am sure your husband loves you all the more for your caring heart.

So enjoy your second honeymoon and realize that Scott still has some growing up to do. This will probably sort itself out. But if it doesn't, you will be able to go forward knowing you did the right thing and so will the man you love.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)