DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married a year and a half. I was childless; she came into the marriage with three sons. The middle son went to live with his father, and I bonded with the oldest (age 17) and the youngest (age 9). Both boys called me Dad, and I called them my sons.

Two months ago, the older boy, "Troy," was killed in a car wreck. Friends and family came to console "Cynthia," but not me. The only time they talked to me was to ask how she was doing. When it came time to plan the services, Cynthia and her family did everything. No one asked me a question or for my opinion.

Troy was my son, too -- "step" or not. The pain of losing him is real and profound. I have tried to be there for Cynthia, but she has distanced herself from me. She has received cards, letters and phone calls, but I am having a difficult time dealing with the grief and loss, too. Why can't people realize that Troy was loved by both of us, not just by his mother? -- IN PAIN IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR IN PAIN: Please know you have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your stepson. It's possible that you didn't receive more support because people -- in the midst of their own grief -- didn't realize you needed it. You may feel "distanced" from your wife because she is grieving so deeply she is unable to communicate.

I hope the two of you will join a grief support group. It may bring you closer again and bring you some degree of comfort. Your religious adviser should be able to help you locate one.

A group that has been mentioned in my column before -- The Compassionate Friends -- can also be helpful. Founded in 1969, it has 600 chapters and offers mutual assistance, friendship and understanding to families following the death of a child. Its Web site is www.compassionatefriends.org, and the toll-free telephone number is (877) 969-0010.

DEAR ABBY: What is "true forgiveness"? I said some terrible things to a friend in anger and didn't hear from her for a few weeks. Recently, I received an e-mail saying she "forgave" me but no longer wants to keep in touch, adding that it is important for her to know that I am happy.

I wrote back saying I still want to stay in touch and remain friends. I apologized profusely for my lapse in judgment, but she hasn't responded.

Abby, I thought forgiveness meant to absolve, to cease to feel resentment -- to "wipe the slate clean." Am I wrong to feel that? Isn't she still holding a grudge against me? I realize it's up to her to communicate, but I'm confused how she can claim she forgives me while still harboring bad feelings. Can you help? -- PERPLEXED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR PERPLEXED: To forgive someone does not mean that you develop amnesia. While the woman you hurt may not be holding a grudge, she may consider you too "dangerous" to allow back into her life. May I offer a word of advice to you? Continue moseying on down the road of life, and in the future watch your mouth, or eventually you may find yourself friendless.

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DEAR ABBY: May I point out something to "Mannerly Mom in Cumberland" (July 23)? She's the woman who, after thanking someone, becomes offended when she hears, "No problem," rather than, "You're welcome."

In many languages, the literal response to "Thank you" translates to, "It was nothing." So a reply of "No problem" is not entirely inappropriate. In fact, it makes more sense to me than, "You're welcome," which I don't understand at all. I am welcome to what?

If "Mannerly Mom" is really worried about teaching her children proper manners, shouldn't she be more concerned that they DO respond in acknowledgement rather than insist that they use the proper words? To me, that would be a much more valuable lesson. -– DENNIS IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR DENNIS: According to Webster's New World Dictionary, "You're welcome" means, "You're under no obligation for the favor given." But allow me to share with you that the topic of whether it's appropriate to respond to a "Thank you" with "No problem" is one that energized more than a few of my older readers to say they find it offensive. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I never realized how often "No problem" was used until last year, when a speaker at our customer service seminar drew our attention to the issue. Since then, our company has set national standards against the use of "No problem," which has become a standard response to "Thank you."

I would like to suggest an alternative: "My pleasure," which conveys a completely different feeling. Saying this to customers makes them feel as though you were happy to be of service to them. -- JUST A NOTE FROM KANSAS

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that language is evolving, but one reason is that so many cultures are present -- and becoming more prevalent -- in the U.S. In Spanish, the literal translation of "de nada" is "It's nothing." Surprisingly, in England, "You're welcome" is not commonly used. I'm married to a Brit and found it strange that my flawlessly mannered mother-in-law would just smile and nod. My husband has taken to saying, "No worries," which is quite Australian. -- APRIL IN MAPLE GROVE, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: Here in the South, the common response to a thank you (especially with younger service-industry people) is "Uh-huh." Oh, how I long to hear "No problem." If I take the time to thank people for service, please make some effort to acknowledge my thanks. "Uh-huh" sounds absentminded, as though the speaker has already mentally moved on. -- PREFERS "NO PROBLEM"

DEAR ABBY: It has been my experience that young people use the phrase indiscriminately for every statement or question put to them. "No problem" -- like some four-letter words -- betrays a lack of vocabulary or unwillingness (born of laziness) to use more precise language. In addition, this response implies that the other party might have thought there was a possible problem when that implication was not intended. -- DANIEL IN KISSIMME, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Your readers might be interested in the way "Thank you" is responded to in other countries. In England, there is no response. The service has been rendered, the server thanked, the transaction is complete. In French- or Spanish-speaking countries, the proper response is, "It's nothing." In Arabic-speaking countries it's, "No thanks for doing my duty," and in China it's, "No thanks are necessary." My favorite: When I said "Thank you" in my best Korean to a young Korean woman, she replied, "No problem!" -- INDIANA LINGUIST

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old, and I'm not pretty. I just started seventh grade, and I have noticed that people date each other based completely on looks. I think that's superficial, and I wouldn't want to date someone just because of it. The sad thing is, everybody does it. People are passed over because of their looks who may actually be nice people inside.

I don't understand why people judge me based on what my parents gave me -- like my eyes or the shape of my lips. I mean, I know I could change my hair or wear makeup, but I can't change my genetics. Suggestions? -- PLAIN OLD ME IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR PLAIN OLD YOU: Absolutely. Good looks can be an asset. However, before you put yourself down anymore about what you inherited from your parents, it's important that you give yourself a reality check. Their appearance didn't prevent them from finding each other attractive and falling in love. Also, it takes some people longer to mature into their final "product" than it does others. In other words, the way you look now at age 12 isn't necessarily the way you will look by the middle or end of your teens.

While I believe that each generation is becoming more beautiful than the one before, not everyone will be a classic beauty. And beauty is a trait that's notorious for its short shelf life. That's why it is so important to develop your personality and your mind, so you will have tools for success later in life. This is the time you should do it, instead of worrying about who is dating whom in seventh grade. Believe me, your classmates' tastes will change -- and so will yours. That's what growing is all about.

It's far more important to concentrate on what you can do to better the world you live in than it is to worry that you might not be beautiful enough. When the right person comes along, he will be more interested in a collaborator than a trophy. Trust me on that, because it's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: You often print letters from parents who are baffled by how selfish and ungrateful their children are. They are hurt and perplexed because they believe they were the best parents anyone ever had.

It's time to take off the blinders. These parents are just as egocentric as the kids they raised. Their children are a direct byproduct of their upbringing. Kids don't turn lazy or selfish overnight. It is their parents' duty to teach them how to be caring, concerned and appreciative, but someone failed to teach them every step of the way. Somehow, they repeatedly showed their children that it was OK to treat others badly and that they, as parents, deserve no appreciation.

Parents: If a student hasn't learned, then the teacher hasn't taught. If the method you have used to teach someone has failed, then it's up to you to do something differently and try again -- or to accept your failure and make the best of the situation. -- ONE WHO KNOWS

DEAR ONE WHO KNOWS: Your point is well-taken, although you may be overly harsh in your assumption about the parents' motivation. I agree that some parents fail to assert themselves because it's the "easy way out" instead of laying down the law when discipline is needed. However, when parents have had a difficult childhood, they sometimes have a tendency to "overcorrect" in the opposite direction, trying to make sure their children don't have the same experience. And that is why they do too much, give too much and fail to teach their children consequences or how to achieve true independence.

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