DEAR ABBY: I was raised by a horrible stepmom who made it her purpose in life to make my brother and me miserable. When I became a stepmom, I made it my goal to be the best one I could be, and for the next 15 years was a giving, loving stepmother to both my husband's children.

The problem? They take me for granted! They are not only disrespectful to me, but also to their father, who is a cancer survivor. During the last two years of treatments, I haven't been able to depend on them for anything. At this point I'm so disgusted I couldn't care less if I ever see either of them again.

My husband is torn. He gets upset when I talk about them or mention how they treat us. I'm at my wits' end, and I'm ready to leave. I have stood by him through sickness and hard times. Every time I see a light at the end of the tunnel, his adult kids show up. What should I do? -- READY TO GIVE UP IN FLORIDA

DEAR READY TO GIVE UP: Your husband is so emotionally invested in his children that he cannot recognize their shortcomings. Many parents have a similar blind spot, so try not to be too hard on him.

If you love your husband, and his "kids" are so busy they're not around a lot, why sacrifice your marriage? Stop "dissing" his kids, and when they come around stop making yourself so available. Get out of there. Find other things to do. Let your husband have the "pleasure" of entertaining them, and you'll be far less frustrated.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old daughter of an alcoholic. My stepmother usually tells me when my 88-year-old -- but young for his age -- father goes into one of his drinking binges.

This time I found him out on the street drunk while she was on a two-week trip with her stepmother. Since she tells me when Dad gets drunk, should I give her the same respect, courtesy or whatever, or should I keep it to myself? -- PONDERING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PONDERING: By all means tell her what went on. I'm sure it will come as no surprise, and he may have done it to "punish" her for her absence. Alcoholism is a family disease, and I see nothing to be gained by sweeping your father's bender under the rug.

DEAR ABBY: Due to medical problems, I have a large raised scar on my chest. As a teen I used to be really self-conscious about it, but I decided that practically wearing a habit to cover it up is not fair to me.

I get lots of stares, which I don't mind so much when it is a child. One little girl came over, touched it, and asked her mother what it was. It made me smile.

My problem is with teenagers and adults. I would have hoped that by then people would know that staring is not only rude, but uncomfortable for me. Short of wearing nothing but turtlenecks, how do I inform people that I'd prefer to talk to them rather than their forehead? -- TIRED OF THE STARING

DEAR TIRED: When people of any age see something unusual, whether it's a piece of jewelry, a dog dressed like a child, a scar, etc., they are curious, and so they look. If their fascination with your scar has distracted someone from the conversation, tell the person you have noticed it and that the staring makes you uncomfortable. It's either that or ... you already know the rest.

DEAR ABBY: Due to medical problems, I have a large raised scar on my chest. As a teen I used to be really self-conscious about it, but I decided that practically wearing a habit to cover it up is not fair to me.

I get lots of stares, which I don't mind so much when it is a child. One little girl came over, touched it, and asked her mother what it was. It made me smile.

My problem is with teenagers and adults. I would have hoped that by then people would know that staring is not only rude, but uncomfortable for me. Short of wearing nothing but turtlenecks, how do I inform people that I'd prefer to talk to them rather than their forehead? -- TIRED OF THE STARING

DEAR TIRED: When people of any age see something unusual, whether it's a piece of jewelry, a dog dressed like a child, a scar, etc., they are curious, and so they look. If their fascination with your scar has distracted someone from the conversation, tell the person you have noticed it and that the staring makes you uncomfortable. It's either that or ... you already know the rest.

DEAR ABBY: I'm hosting what's called a Naked Ladies Party. It's where all the women come over with all the clothing, accessories, jewelry, etc. they no longer want. We strip down to our skivvies, try on each other's stuff, then vote on who should get to keep it. (Basically, we just swap items to get new ones.)

I have a very good friend I'd like to invite, but she is significantly larger than the rest of us and wouldn't fit into any of our clothes. She acts like she's not sensitive about it, but I don't want to embarrass her by inviting her.

She and I work together and some of the women from work are invited, so she will find out about it. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt her feelings or put her in an embarrassing situation. What should I do? -- IN A PICKLE IN LAKEWOOD, OHIO

DEAR IN A PICKLE: Talk to your friend about the party and let her know exactly what it's about. While she may not be comfortable stripping down to her skivvies and the clothing wouldn't be appropriate, she might be interested in the accessories and the female bonding. Let her decide.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's 21-year-old boyfriend, "James," tries to make her jealous by complimenting me or making inappropriate comments about me to her. I have only recently been made aware of what he's doing because he has never directed his comments to me -- only to my daughter.

"Monica" is a beautiful young woman. I am a 53-year-old mom, attractive for my age but nothing special. It is apparent James is playing some kind of mind game with her, and it has begun to have a negative impact on her relationship with me. I think my daughter needs to move on to a more mature guy. What do you suggest? -- JUST A MOM IN GRAPEVINE, TEXAS

DEAR JUST A MOM: Either your daughter's boyfriend has formed a gigantic crush on you, or she's dating the most insensitive guy on the planet. Whatever is motivating him, the outlook is not good for her, and I hope she'll accept that the relationship is going nowhere positive and give that heel the boot.

DEAR ABBY: I was taught that a performance receives a standing ovation when it is truly spectacular. When you are especially moved or inspired, you show your appreciation by standing. Abby, every show I go to now receives a standing ovation. I don't always join in. I feel it should mean something, not just be expected at the end of every show.

I'm tired of getting the "evil eye" from people standing around me because I didn't feel an ovation was warranted. Don't get me wrong, I'm still generous with my applause and take into consideration all the aspects of the show. (For example, I wouldn't expect a play featuring 5-year-olds to be held to the same standard as a Broadway show.)

Am I wrong? Should I stand with everyone else, and am I confused about the meaning of standing ovations? Or should I remain seated? -- RELUCTANT IN MADISON, WIS.

DEAR RELUCTANT: If you don't feel a performance merits a standing ovation, stay in your seat. Do not let the reaction of other audience members intimidate you. It's possible they may be related to someone in the show, or even be the producers.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Missing the Old Days in Arizona City" (May 8), the mother of a small child, wondered how parents can feel safe raising kids in a world that is "crazy and scary." I, too, worry about the state of the world today, but find comfort in my children and in the fact that I am trying to raise them to be among the "good guys."

When I was a brand-new mom, I was in an elevator with two teenage boys. When the door opened, one of the boys stated to get off first. The other boy put his arm in front of his friend and motioned for me to go ahead. I was moved by his simple gesture of thoughtfulness and good manners. I thanked him and asked him to also thank his mother for me, for doing such a wonderful job raising such a polite young man. I promised myself that day that I would raise my children (I now have three) to be like him.

Please tell "Missing the Old Days" there is good everywhere. She just needs to look for it and to always acknowledge polite gestures so her children and others can see that there is still civility in this "scary place" we call home. -- MARGIE IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR MARGIE: I like the way you think. As more people respond to each other with kindness, we create a more positive world in which to live, one good deed at a time. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am so tired of people talking about how civilization is falling apart. Human history is filled with senseless acts of violence that I am sure predate the written word. I think that because the media today are able to bring us violence from across the globe, it appears to be more prevalent.

You cannot live your life in fear of what might happen. You can only do your best to prevent bad things from happening to yourself and to others. Stand up and say "That's not right" when you see something "bad" happen. Only through our own actions can we change the world we live in. -- PHILLIP IN BATTLE CREEK

DEAR ABBY: I, too, get discouraged by the negativity portrayed by the media. But I've found that volunteering is a great way to find renewed faith in humanity. Even if it's just an hour or two a month at a shelter or a local organization, it is uplifting to come together with others who are also trying to do good. -- WILLING TO HELP IN GRANITE CITY, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice. My husband and I have a 13-month-old son. Like any loving parent, I want to provide a better world for him and all other children. We make choices in our lifestyle that foster a safe and loving environment. We limit TV, treasure our family time, and protect him from exposure to anything we deem inappropriate for his age.

I want to show my son that even though bad things happen, each of us has the power to help others. Our children learn these important lessons through our example.

Rather than despair about news that often makes me want to cry, I have decided to take action. I want to do everything I possibly can to improve the world my child will inherit and teach him how to take care of it when it's his turn. -- A MOTHER AND TEACHER IN VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)