DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago, my wife, "Marie," left to go shopping and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word. We had been married 25 years.

We had no contact for the first three months, and she has not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one -- including her family -- that she had left. Friends would see me in public and ask where she was.

Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie refuses to elaborate.

Two of our sons don't want her back. They felt abandoned when she disappeared. My other son says he doesn't care whether she comes back or not as long as she leaves him alone. I keep remembering the quote, "A house divided cannot stand," and I wonder about us. Please advise me. -- LOST IN THE BIG CITY

DEAR LOST: Under the circumstances, I'd say the feelings you and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of you need to come to terms with why your wife and their mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is important that you understand why she felt that leaving the way she did was her only option.

It will take time for her relationship with the boys to be repaired and for the two of you to rebuild trust. This is not to say that your "house divided" cannot be rehabilitated and even made more storm-proof than before. But don't kid yourselves: It will take work on the part of everyone.

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, "Tony," is very ill and probably won't make it. It is a terrible tragedy for our family. He will leave behind a bereft wife and children.

During his last crisis I traveled across country to support my daughter, "Janet." My husband, "Doug," isn't Janet's father, and now he says he doesn't want me going to the funeral. He says I have spent enough time on Tony, and my visit was a "waste of money."

He says Janet wanting me there is a ploy -- that she's "playing me." Granted, she had some hard feelings when I divorced her father and married Doug, but we have made up. I feel I need to be at the funeral to support her.

There has been no love lost between Janet and Doug. He does not get along with his own kids from a previous marriage either. But should this interfere with my attending the funeral? Doug says my going would be a betrayal to him and has threatened divorce if I go. How should I handle this? -- TORN IN DES MOINES

DEAR TORN: Although I hate to label anyone, let me point out that by issuing an ultimatum, your husband is behaving like a control freak. If you want this pattern to be repeated until the day one of you dies, stay home and don't attend the funeral.

Let me also point out that a daughter needing all the emotional support she can get as she buries her husband is not a "ploy." It's a cry for help. Your grandchildren might also appreciate having you close.

Your husband is behaving like a petulant child. You have an extremely important decision to make, and it's about a larger issue than the funeral. Only you can decide the right choice for you.

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DEAR ABBY: At 17, I learned I could never have children. I was devastated. I thought there would never be a "happily ever after" for me. I was wrong. I have been happily married to a wonderful man for four years. I was honest with him about my infertility, and it made no difference to him.

The problem is my father-in-law. Although my husband has two sisters, he is the only son of an only son, and his dad is always pushing the baby issue. He says things like, "If I could only have a grandson before I die," or, "When are you going to get busy and have me a baby?" When I remind him that he has a grandson, he says it doesn't matter. He wants one with HIS last name.

My husband thinks I should just tell his father the truth -- that I can't have children -- but I'm afraid his parents will hate me. It has been seven years since I learned I can't have children, and I still feel an emptiness inside. And just when I think I can't feel any worse, my father-in-law's comments make me feel broken and useless. I could use some advice. -- CHILDLESS IN ARKANSAS

DEAR CHILDLESS: I agree with your husband. The two of you should have a frank talk with his parents. Explain to his father that his comments are hurtful and why. He needs to know the truth. If you are "hated" after that, the problem is theirs -- not yours.

P.S. Even if you could have children, there is no guarantee that they wouldn't all be girls. Big Daddy is overdue for a dose of reality.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Fred," has never been much of a conversationalist, and since he stopped smoking five months ago, his weight has ballooned. We're both elderly and live on a lake, so we're quite isolated, especially during the long winters.

Although Fred sees his doctor regularly, he's stubborn and I doubt that he has told his doctor everything, including the possibility that he's experiencing depression. He sits by the hour and pouts.

This morning, when I tried to carry on a conversation, he refused to look at me. Finally, I said, "Do you want me to stop talking to you?" to which he replied, "Do whatever you want."

Fred has never been easy to get along with, but his pouting is driving me crazy. I go out for lunch with friends occasionally, but because Fred doesn't want visitors here, that's my only respite. Any suggestions? I'm ... READY TO BAIL IN MINNESOTA

DEAR READY TO BAIL: If there is anything unusual about Fred's behavior, it should be reported to his doctor because it could be a sign of dementia or other illness. However, if it is just "more of the same" from this charmer you married, perhaps you should ask yourself seriously whether you're better off with him or without him, and if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

DEAR ABBY: Why do people write messages such as "Happy Birthday" to dead people in obituary columns in newspapers? I comprehend the idea of memoriams, but to wish someone who has died a happy birthday or anniversary seems ludicrous to me. Will you point this out to your readers and comment? -- MYSTIFIED IN EASTERN MAINE

DEAR MYSTIFIED: I'm printing your letter, but I wish you would open your heart a bit and stop being so judgmental. People often do this because a special occasion such as a birthday or an anniversary makes them long for the person who died. They are still grieving over their loss and want their loved one to be remembered.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old male with major dental issues to take care of. Because I have no insurance, and dental work is costly, I plan to have my treatment overseas. A close friend has arranged for me to stay with his parents for two weeks while I'm there.

The parents were here on vacation recently, and I spent a lot of time with them and we got to bond a little. Everything was comfortable because my friend was there as a "buffer" to enhance the conversation. However, because of the difference in our background, culture and, particularly, our ages, I know I'll feel awkward being in their home during my stay. I'm afraid of running out of topics to talk about. I would rather stay in a hotel and spend some time with them, but that would probably be an insult to my friend who graciously offered his help.

Cancelling my trip is obviously not an option. I need some wise advice and suggestions on what I can do while staying with this elderly couple. -- SHY GUY IN MIAMI

DEAR SHY GUY: First, ask your friend what you should bring his parents as a house gift. Second, take along an English/whatever-language-his-parents-speak dictionary to help you all translate what you need to say.

Third, just be yourself. And last but not least, remember that older people are just like you, with the same feelings you have, just grayer. Because you are having extensive dental work done, they will understand if you aren't a fountain of conversation. But do try, and I'm sure whatever efforts you make will be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: I am 25, and over the last two years a patch of gray hair has appeared on the front of my head. It's small, but noticeable. The problem is, people constantly mention it to me, especially co-workers I barely know.

At this point, I have chosen not to dye it because it doesn't really bother me. I just think it's rude for people to go out of their way to bring it up. I would never say something like that to someone else. What's the proper response to these people? -- YOUNG MAN, OLD HAIR IN OHIO

DEAR YOUNG MAN: Smile and say, "Yes, I've noticed it. And sooner or later it will happen to you, too." Then change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ernie," and I have been together almost a year. He has two wonderful children from a previous marriage. I love Ernie dearly, although we have only been dating for what seems like a short while.

The other night he brought up the subject of marriage and said he wanted to get me a promise ring. I was caught off guard. I know his feelings were hurt when I shied away from him when he mentioned it. What should I say to him? I don't know if I'm ready for the next step, but I don't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting him. Give me the words, Abby. -- APPREHENSIVE IN LOVE

DEAR APPREHENSIVE: Tell Ernie that although you care for him, you are not ready to make a lifetime commitment. And unless you are sure that you want to be married to Ernie (which you are not) and are prepared to help him raise his children, you should not accept his promise ring.

It will then be up to Ernie to decide whether he wants to wait around, hoping you will change your mind, or move on and look for someone else.

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