DEAR ABBY: My cousin's 9-year-old son, "Andy," has been living with me for the past few years. Now my husband has been diagnosed with cancer, and I must return Andy to his mother.

Abby, his mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She has no income, and the list goes on. How do I return that boy to this type of environment? My immediate and extended families insist he go home to his mother, but I am worried about his future. What do I do? I need to concentrate and focus on my husband's health, but who will give Andy the care that he needs? -- WORRIED AUNT IN COLORADO

DEAR WORRIED AUNT: There is an alternative to returning Andy to that unhealthy environment, but it will require cooperation from your immediate and extended families. Keep the child with you, but have him stay with the relatives at the times your husband is getting his treatments. If they are unwilling, perhaps the parents of some of Andy's friends would be willing to help out. Please give it a try and let me know what happens, because the best place for Andy is with responsible people who know and love him.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 40s. Most of my good friends, whom I have known my whole life, have not given a second thought to our approaching "golden years." No one is saving money for retirement, participating in any sort of plan or even thinking about how they will manage later in life.

They all have fun, interesting, low-paying jobs. This mindset may have been fine 20 years ago, but we aren't kids anymore. I worry that when my friends are senior citizens they will be destitute. They laugh off my worries.

My parents are enjoying a modest but comfortable retirement which they worked for -- and planned for -- most of their lives. I want the same for myself and my friends. How can I inspire them to take action? -- TOM IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR TOM: You are a caring and wise friend who is surrounded by perpetual adolescents. Sometimes people can be their own worst enemies, and it's not always possible to save them from themselves.

Talking to people who choose to live for today while ignoring the importance of preparing for tomorrow won't work. A better approach would be to teach them by example, then cross your fingers and hope they catch on.

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps you can settle a minor disagreement between a fellow bartender and me. I say it is impolite to remove a cash tip from the bar before a patron leaves. She, however, just grabs the money and counts it -- right in front of the customer. She thinks it's OK because the customer wants to be acknowledged and thanked.

Abby, I always thank my customers, whether they tip or not, and I think counting money in front of them sends a message that we value their gratuity more than their business.

What is the polite way to handle this? -- SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED IN MARCO ISLAND, FLA.

DEAR "S.N.S.": Your co-worker's technique makes me wonder if her acknowledgment is given on a sliding scale, commensurate with the tip. (Ten percent gets a nod. Fifteen percent gets a smile. Twenty percent and she says, "Come back soon!")

I prefer your more low-key and appropriate method -- and it isn't even close.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Please help me -- I am in pieces. My sister is dying of cancer. She has shut me out of her life and has become very hostile toward me. This is breaking my heart, and I don't know how to deal with it. I have done nothing to offend her, and I don't understand why she is acting this way.

I understand that my sister is in pain and afraid, but I need her in my life because I love her. What can I do? -- CARING SISTER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CARING SISTER: I'm sorry about the sad prognosis your sister received. Many years ago, a doctor named Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five distinct emotional stages that a dying person may go through after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

However, people do not necessarily pass through all of these stages. Sometimes they get "stuck" -- and it appears your sister hasn't made it past the second stage. Spiritual and/or psychological counseling might help her. But if she's unwilling to accept it, all you can do is let her know how much you love her, need her and will always miss her.

P.S. A grief support group might be very helpful for you, so check with the American Cancer Society. It can be reached by calling (800) 227-2345 or visiting � HYPERLINK "http://www.cancer.org" ��www.cancer.org�.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Then our hostess told us that guests must bring their own plates and silverware or we would not be permitted to join the dinner. I thought it was extremely tacky; my husband saw no problem with it. What are your thoughts? -- DINNER GUEST IN DENVER

DEAR DINNER GUEST: Let's put it this way -- your hostess's request was highly unusual. Perhaps the woman didn't have enough china and silverware to accommodate all the people she wanted to come. Of course, she could have provided paper plates and plastic flatware -- and that's what you should have brought so you wouldn't have had to carry home and wash your dirty dishes.

P.S. If you chose to attend the woman's dinner party knowing the circumstances, it's not very nice to now be biting the hand that fed you.

DEAR ABBY: Now that it's summer I need your help with one of your to-the-point witty comebacks. My husband and I are both fair-skinned. Skin cancer runs in both sides of our families. We always wear sunscreen and lather up our 8-month-old child as well.

Yesterday, a few friends at the pool made jokes about needing sunglasses in our presence because of the sun reflecting off our pale bodies. I became upset and left the pool. Is there something I can say to make a point and let these people know how rude they are when commenting on our lack of a suntan? -- TANLESS IN SUGAR HILL, GA.

DEAR TANLESS: For many years the American Academy of Dermatology has urged everyone -- regardless of skin tone -- to avoid long-term exposure to the sun, and to always wear sunscreen, even on cloudy days. I see no reason to try and be witty. "Skin cancer runs in both sides of our family, and frankly, you should be careful, too," is a simple way to convey your message. (Let a smile be your umbrella if they give you any flak.)

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our son "Sean" is 20 and has been going with a girl 2 1/2 years older than he is. I'll call her "Taryn." When we first met Taryn we liked her very much. She was chubby, and Sean told us she was on a diet. We found out later Taryn was 5 1/2 months pregnant.

As time went on, she grew larger and larger. We asked Sean if she could be pregnant. He told us he had asked her and she said no, that she was just built like her mother. (She told her co-workers the same thing.)

Late one night, our surprised and upset son called to tell us Taryn had just delivered a full-term, 7-pound baby boy. Her doctor and her friends have all said she didn't know what was going on. Even after the baby was born, she asked the doctor "what was happening." She couldn't believe she'd had a baby. Taryn told Sean she had had her period the whole nine months and never felt the baby move.

The doctor told my son that some girls don't know when they are pregnant, so now he believes her! We have had many family discussions about this. I am the mother of six children, and I always knew when I was pregnant.

Is it possible that she didn't know she was pregnant, even though she had been asked directly more than once? We feel Taryn has been lying to Sean the whole time. We haven't seen her since the birth. She's living with and being supported by her parents. Sean loves Taryn and the baby and plans to marry her and adopt the boy. Please help us. -- FLABBERGASTED PARENTS IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR PARENTS: Although it is highly unusual, it is not unheard of for a woman to conceive and carry a baby to term without knowing she's pregnant. It does stretch the imagination -- among other things -- for her to deliver the baby and still ask what's going on. Because her doctor says this was the case with Taryn, who are we to say otherwise?

Please remember, your son is in love with this young woman. He plans to marry her. So your wisest course of action would be to accept Taryn and the baby and make the best of this uncomfortable situation. To do otherwise will estrange your son from you. Also, it's clear your daughter-in-law-to-be needs the mentoring of as many mature women in her life as possible.

DEAR ABBY: In the past few years several of my friends moved out of state. Before they left, they gave me items they couldn't take along. They said I could keep the stuff or have a yard sale.

Now these friends have returned and are asking for their things back. I feel like I was used as a temporary storage facility. This has happened to me three different times.

I have been using the items as mine, feeling they belonged to me. I think I'm being used. How should I respond to these people? -- RESENTFUL IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA

DEAR RESENTFUL: Because these people gave you the items to do with as you wished -- to keep or to sell -- they belong to you. How you respond to their request depends upon how much you value their friendship, because your refusal to return them could become a bone of contention.

In the future when someone asks to leave furniture with you, make sure to have the terms put clearly in writing. Because this has happened to you three different times, there appears to have been a serious breakdown in communication somewhere along the line.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)