DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 3-year-old niece I'll call "Serena." She is my brother "Simon's" daughter. Serena is mildly autistic but has made amazing progress. We're optimistic that she'll be indistinguishable in a few years.

The problem is, Simon is adamant that he does not want our parents to know about Serena's condition. Mom and Dad are good people, but lousy grandparents. Simon thinks they would be judgmental toward him and would gossip about matters he would prefer be kept private. He might be right. But because he is keeping them in the dark, his relationship with them has deteriorated. Our parents haven't seen Serena since she was a baby.

Simon has threatened that if I tell our parents about Serena's autism, he will never speak to me again. That would cost me a relationship not only with him, but also with my niece. I have encouraged him to come clean, but he refuses.

What should I do? Should I stay out of it, or intervene? And is this kind of situation typical with families who have children with special needs? -- UNCLE WITH A SECRET

DEAR UNCLE: When a family member is diagnosed with a mental health disorder, some families consider it to be something shameful, and "circle the wagons" to hide it. While it is regrettable, this is the path your brother has chosen. Not knowing your parents' level of sophistication, I'm guessing he may be right about them and that he prefers to allow them into his daughter's life only after her problem has become "indistinguishable in a few years" -- if ever.

If you value your relationship with Simon, do not reveal his secret. Obviously he trusts you, or he wouldn't have taken you into his confidence. If you betray him, your relationship will never be the same.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a dysfunctional family. I was never close to my brothers and sister. About 10 years ago, I became friends with a gentleman I'll call "Eric." Our relationship is platonic -- we're like siblings. We "talk" almost every day by e-mail because he now lives out of state.

When I mention to my other friends that I have a male friend, I get a funny look because they assume Eric and I are having some kind of affair. They say men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on between them. When I tell them this isn't the case, they don't buy it. What can I say or do to get them to believe me? -- TELLING THE TRUTH IN OHIO

DEAR TELLING THE TRUTH: Nothing. So stop arguing. When someone tells you that men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on, that person is telling you something about him- or herself. Obviously, as you already know, there are no hard-and-fast rules governing friendship. Sometimes people have "good chemistry" and click -- and this happens with same-sex friendships as well as those with the opposite sex.

DEAR ABBY: Is it ever appropriate for a grandmother to expect payment to baby-sit her grandchildren? -- TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR TRYING: It depends upon the situation and how much time Grandma is devoting to taking care of the children. If the grandmother needs the money, and the amount of time she's tending to the children interferes with her ability to earn a living and provide for her retirement, then by all means she should be paid -- and at least minimum wage.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother is very strict about the use of obscenities, so I don't use them at home. However, I have become close friends with "Mallory," and cuss words are part of her normal speech.

I have been to Mallory's house where swear words are normal among her parents and siblings. (Her parents are worse than she is in this regard.) I know it's not right, but it's the way she has been brought up.

Recently, Mallory spent the night here, and my mother heard her cuss. My younger sister was in the room. After Mallory left, my mother said she will not tolerate such "filth" and said Mallory is no longer welcome in our home, especially because she thought nothing of exposing my sister to such language.

Abby, Mallory is a loyal, caring friend. Her behavior is the result of her upbringing. I don't think it's fair to ban her from our house. I would ask her not to talk this way in our home, but I think she might slip up and sometimes forget. Have you any suggestions? -- TARZANA, CALIF., TEEN

DEAR TARZANA TEEN: While I understand your mother's point, if she thinks banishing Mallory will prevent foul language from reaching your sister's tender ears, she doesn't know what kids are saying in the halls of many schools today.

If you haven't already done so, level with Mallory. Tell her how offended your mother was at the language she used. It's important for your friend to know that while profanity may be acceptable in her home, there are places where it is deeply offensive, and your home is one of them. Then ask Mallory to call your mother and apologize. If she does, your mother may relent.

DEAR ABBY: A friend and I went to dinner at a local restaurant last night with our three young children. The oldest is 8; the other two are babies. We were seated next to a boisterous group of young women. As if their noise level wasn't enough, they proceeded to discuss certain bodily functions that are not appropriate for the dinner table, let alone a public place.

Needless to say, the impressionable 8-year-old got an earful and began asking questions. I had no idea how to answer him or to get the women to lower the noise level. How should I handle the situation should it arise again? -- OFFENDED IN THE DESERT

DEAR OFFENDED: You should get up, ask the host or hostess to seat you as far from the "distraction" as possible, and explain why. That way no more parties that include children will be seated next to them.

DEAR ABBY: I was held back a year in junior high school. Two years later I went and earned my G.E.D.

If I had stayed in school and not been held back, I would have graduated in 1981. (The extra year would put my graduation in 1982.) Which high school reunion should I go to? Or am I excluded from attending any reunions because I didn't officially graduate? Where do I fit in? -- MYSTIFIED IN OHIO

DEAR MYSTIFIED: Rather than asking where you fit in, consider in which class you had the most friends -- because that's the reunion you should attend. That gathering is where you will be more welcomed, even though you did not "officially" graduate with them.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am one of your many male readers. I have been up all night and need to put my thoughts down and thank someone for his act of kindness to my son.

My son, a U.S. infantry soldier, left yesterday for a 12-month deployment. After a tearful goodbye to me and to his young wife at the airport, he flew to Atlanta to join the other members of his unit for their flights overseas. He called me the evening he reached Atlanta and related this story:

He was eating a late dinner at a restaurant in the Atlanta airport. A man who appeared to be about 60 years old saw him show his military ID to the waitress when he ordered a drink with his meal. The man took my son's dinner check when he got up to leave, saying, "Let me buy a soldier a meal." When my son tried to politely refuse, the man insisted and said it was his way to thank him for what he was doing. Because Army privates don't make much money, my son was grateful. This act of kindness made a strong impression.

To that kind gentleman, I want you to know that this father is grateful, too. I sent my son into harm's way yesterday, and you, sir, a stranger, took care of him on his journey. You bought him a meal when I could not. Thank you, and God bless you. -- A SOLDIER'S GRATEFUL DAD

DEAR GRATEFUL DAD: I'm pleased to convey your gratitude. Today 190,000 members of our U.S. military are stationed in Afghanistan and Iraq doing tours -- and extended tours -- of active duty. It is completely appropriate for any civilian who sees someone in uniform to approach that person and offer thanks for his or her service. The gentleman who treated your son to dinner did it in a more tangible way than many do -- and for that he is to be commended.

DEAR ABBY: My father, "Jim," married a beautiful, nice, smart woman a short while ago. I love her enough to consider her a second mom, but when she refers to me, she never does it by name. If she's talking to Dad about me, she'll refer to me as "your daughter" or "your kid." If she's talking to her son or daughter about me, she'll say, "Jim's kid." I only know she's talking to me if she's looking at me because she never uses my name.

I wish she knew how much this hurts my feelings. I don't want to confront her because I'm afraid of causing problems. Why can't she call me by my given name? -- I HAVE A NAME IN BUFFALO, MO.

DEAR HAS A NAME: Your father's beautiful, nice and smart new wife strikes me as somewhat insensitive. However, she won't know that her actions are hurtful until you tell her. You don't have to be confrontational when you do -- just tell her that your feelings are hurt because you don't feel recognized as a person. If she's as nice as you say, she'll make an effort to do better.

DEAR ABBY: I have a simple question. When is it OK to stop saying I am divorced and start to say I am a single person? -- PATRICIA IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR PATRICIA: I have a simple answer. You are no longer "single." As a person who has been married and divorced, you are now a divorcee -- and will be until such time as you remarry.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)