DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been informed that a family headstone has been purchased, and our share is $2,000 -- each. This was never discussed among the family members. The cemetery is located out of state. My husband is in the military, and we had planned to use the military cemetery where we live for a small fee. We think the family was rude and presumptuous planning for our deaths.

Because we declined, the family no longer speaks to us, which breaks our hearts. I am sure it is a tactic to wear us down.

We have received an e-mail telling us we are no longer welcome to attend the family reunion this summer unless we fork over the $4,000 and agree to have our names placed on the headstone. Your opinion, please, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- NOT DEAD AND BURIED YET

DEAR NOT D AND B: If you were truly considered "part of the family," you would have been part of the discussion and planning for that headstone. The silent treatment your family is giving you is emotional blackmail. Do not give in. Sad as it may be, recognize that you were already "excommunicated" when you were excluded from the planning and the purchase of the plot, not because you refused their demand.

DEAR ABBY: I have started dating a man, "Karl," who is wonderful. We have similar values and enjoy doing the same things. After talking over lunches and dinners, I decided to do some Internet digging, and have learned that Karl is nine years younger than I am.

My friend and I are both in our 60s -- Karl is at the beginning, I'm at the end. I dwell on the age difference all the time and have started refusing his dinner invitations. Am I making too much out of this? Or should I go with the flow and see what happens?

My mom always told me she liked the saying, "I would rather be an old man's sweetheart than a young man's old lady." I have always agreed with her. -- YOUNG AT HEART

DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: For heaven's sake, go with the flow. As my mother used to say, "The most important ingredient in a lasting marriage is a husband who lasts." Demographically, men die younger than women do. You and Karl are, to put it mildly, well into adulthood. You share similar values and common interests. To reject him because he is nine years younger is crazy. Discuss it with him. You might be pleased to learn that he would enjoy being your "boy-toy."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college senior (female) who spends a lot of time with my professors. This includes extracurricular functions and receptions.

I have always addressed them as "professor." But lately, they have been signing e-mails (personal ones) with their first names. Does this mean they want me to call them by their first names? Or should I just continue addressing them as "professor"? -- COLLEGE SENIOR IN N.C.

DEAR COLLEGE SENIOR: Until you graduate, continue to address them using their titles. After that, ask them what they would like you to call them. But for now, using the titles they have earned shows respect.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: For the last three years I have been dating this girl, "Annie," whom I love very much. We're both 18, and I am starting college in the fall and plan to go into the military.

My problem is that Annie is already talking about marriage and kids. I am now hearing from some of her friends that she's disappointed I haven't given her a promise ring yet. I'm not against giving her one, but I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared for the next step.

I don't want Annie to think I don't care for her, because I do. She is perfect. I just need some advice from someone outside the family. What do you think I should do? -- UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: Lay your cards on the table with Annie. Tell her that, although you think she is "perfect," you're not ready to propose -- or even promise that you will. You are about to enter college, but you did not mention what her plans are.

Allow me to offer more advice. You and Annie have been involved since your sophomore year of high school. You would both be better served to continue your education, date others for a while, and grow as individuals before making any lifetime commitments.

DEAR ABBY: I have gone to a family-owned hair salon for more than 10 years. I love my stylist, "Suzie," and the other employees. The salon has a comfortable and welcoming atmosphere. However, I think that Suzie, who is one of the owners, has become "too" comfortable.

She's constantly on the phone during my appointments. I wouldn't mind if Suzie picked up the phone when the receptionist was busy, but most of the calls are from family members involved in some sort of drama or crisis. During a single appointment there are often multiple calls, some extremely long.

It seems like styling has become Suzie's "side" job, which is interfering with her "emergency counseling" practice. I feel I'm paying a lot of money for very little attention. Is this how salons are run today? Am I wrong to expect her undivided attention? How can I express my dissatisfaction without ruining our relationship? -- MIFFED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR MIFFED: Hairdressing is a business, and the behavior you have described is unprofessional. Hairdressing involves far more than twisting and trimming tresses. It also involves concentration, and you are being shortchanged in that department.

You do not have to be rude in asserting yourself, just firm. Tell Suzie that you expect more of her attention than she has been devoting to you, or nothing will change. You'll actually be doing her a favor. Her inattention to her business could lose her clients in droves, because I'm sure you're not the only person she's treating this way.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary soon. We do not want a party or gifts. However, I would like to send out an announcement with a recent family photo commemorating the occasion. In other words, I'd like to share my entire family with friends who haven't seen my grandchildren. Is this proper? -- MR. AND MRS. P. IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR MR. AND MRS. P: To send an announcement and photo before the event could seem like a solicitation. However, if you do it after your anniversary -- with a short note explaining that you thought they might enjoy seeing all three generations -- I see nothing improper about it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with "Wade" the night I met him. We almost got married, but he couldn't get past my fear of driving. As a child, I witnessed an accident. It was horrific and left me emotionally scarred. If I try to drive in traffic I freeze up and get flashbacks. I have tried for years to put this behind me.

After three years, Wade finally issued an ultimatum. Unless I drove, he would not buy me an engagement ring. He said my inability to drive would create too great a hardship for us.

Abby, I wanted desperately to get past my fear, but couldn't -- not even for love. I love Wade dearly, but not enough to endanger other people's lives. I ended the relationship and told him I hoped he'd find a pretty driver. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss him every day. Did I do the right thing? -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You may have acted hastily. There are mental health professionals who specialize in helping people with post-traumatic-stress problems, and you appear to fall into that category. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to see if your childhood trauma can be overcome. Then, if you're successful, call Wade and invite him out for a "spin" -- preferably to the nearest jeweler. If you make one more attempt to get past this, at least you'll know you left no stone unturned.

DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with our second child and recently learned that my husband of six years, "Kyle," has gambled away almost our entire savings. Kyle says he did it because he was drunk, and he only gets the urge to gamble when he drinks. He promised he will never do it again.

I wish I could believe him, but this isn't the first time Kyle has gambled and lost large sums of money. I don't know what to do. Should I leave him, or stay and try to help him? I have no idea how to help, but I can't continue to live this way, wondering if and when he's going to do it again. Please help me. -- PREGNANT AND WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: Your husband may have promised he won't gamble again, but promises are not enough. Because married couples can be held accountable for their spouse's debts, you must take control. It is possible to "help" only those individuals who are willing to help themselves. If your husband must seek help for his gambling you may have to separate your finances from his.

A group that can offer you some much-needed support is Gam-Anon Family Groups. This is a 12-step fellowship for husbands, wives, relatives and friends of compulsive gamblers -- people who have been affected by their loved ones' problem. Contact it at www.gam-anon.org, or by calling (718) 352-1671.

Your husband should also contact Gamblers Anonymous, P.O. Box 17173, Los Angeles, CA 90017, or call (213) 386-8789. Its Web site is www.gamblersanonymous.org.

The American Psychiatric Association identified pathological gambling as a psychiatric disorder in 1980. Some doctors specialize in the illness. The National Council on Problem Gambling, a nonprofit organization, refers gamblers to qualified mental health professionals who are trained to work with gamblers and their families. The toll-free phone number is (800) 522-4700.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)