DEAR ABBY: For the last three years I have been dating this girl, "Annie," whom I love very much. We're both 18, and I am starting college in the fall and plan to go into the military.

My problem is that Annie is already talking about marriage and kids. I am now hearing from some of her friends that she's disappointed I haven't given her a promise ring yet. I'm not against giving her one, but I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared for the next step.

I don't want Annie to think I don't care for her, because I do. She is perfect. I just need some advice from someone outside the family. What do you think I should do? -- UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: Lay your cards on the table with Annie. Tell her that, although you think she is "perfect," you're not ready to propose -- or even promise that you will. You are about to enter college, but you did not mention what her plans are.

Allow me to offer more advice. You and Annie have been involved since your sophomore year of high school. You would both be better served to continue your education, date others for a while, and grow as individuals before making any lifetime commitments.

DEAR ABBY: I have gone to a family-owned hair salon for more than 10 years. I love my stylist, "Suzie," and the other employees. The salon has a comfortable and welcoming atmosphere. However, I think that Suzie, who is one of the owners, has become "too" comfortable.

She's constantly on the phone during my appointments. I wouldn't mind if Suzie picked up the phone when the receptionist was busy, but most of the calls are from family members involved in some sort of drama or crisis. During a single appointment there are often multiple calls, some extremely long.

It seems like styling has become Suzie's "side" job, which is interfering with her "emergency counseling" practice. I feel I'm paying a lot of money for very little attention. Is this how salons are run today? Am I wrong to expect her undivided attention? How can I express my dissatisfaction without ruining our relationship? -- MIFFED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR MIFFED: Hairdressing is a business, and the behavior you have described is unprofessional. Hairdressing involves far more than twisting and trimming tresses. It also involves concentration, and you are being shortchanged in that department.

You do not have to be rude in asserting yourself, just firm. Tell Suzie that you expect more of her attention than she has been devoting to you, or nothing will change. You'll actually be doing her a favor. Her inattention to her business could lose her clients in droves, because I'm sure you're not the only person she's treating this way.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary soon. We do not want a party or gifts. However, I would like to send out an announcement with a recent family photo commemorating the occasion. In other words, I'd like to share my entire family with friends who haven't seen my grandchildren. Is this proper? -- MR. AND MRS. P. IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR MR. AND MRS. P: To send an announcement and photo before the event could seem like a solicitation. However, if you do it after your anniversary -- with a short note explaining that you thought they might enjoy seeing all three generations -- I see nothing improper about it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with "Wade" the night I met him. We almost got married, but he couldn't get past my fear of driving. As a child, I witnessed an accident. It was horrific and left me emotionally scarred. If I try to drive in traffic I freeze up and get flashbacks. I have tried for years to put this behind me.

After three years, Wade finally issued an ultimatum. Unless I drove, he would not buy me an engagement ring. He said my inability to drive would create too great a hardship for us.

Abby, I wanted desperately to get past my fear, but couldn't -- not even for love. I love Wade dearly, but not enough to endanger other people's lives. I ended the relationship and told him I hoped he'd find a pretty driver. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss him every day. Did I do the right thing? -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You may have acted hastily. There are mental health professionals who specialize in helping people with post-traumatic-stress problems, and you appear to fall into that category. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to see if your childhood trauma can be overcome. Then, if you're successful, call Wade and invite him out for a "spin" -- preferably to the nearest jeweler. If you make one more attempt to get past this, at least you'll know you left no stone unturned.

DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with our second child and recently learned that my husband of six years, "Kyle," has gambled away almost our entire savings. Kyle says he did it because he was drunk, and he only gets the urge to gamble when he drinks. He promised he will never do it again.

I wish I could believe him, but this isn't the first time Kyle has gambled and lost large sums of money. I don't know what to do. Should I leave him, or stay and try to help him? I have no idea how to help, but I can't continue to live this way, wondering if and when he's going to do it again. Please help me. -- PREGNANT AND WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: Your husband may have promised he won't gamble again, but promises are not enough. Because married couples can be held accountable for their spouse's debts, you must take control. It is possible to "help" only those individuals who are willing to help themselves. If your husband must seek help for his gambling you may have to separate your finances from his.

A group that can offer you some much-needed support is Gam-Anon Family Groups. This is a 12-step fellowship for husbands, wives, relatives and friends of compulsive gamblers -- people who have been affected by their loved ones' problem. Contact it at www.gam-anon.org, or by calling (718) 352-1671.

Your husband should also contact Gamblers Anonymous, P.O. Box 17173, Los Angeles, CA 90017, or call (213) 386-8789. Its Web site is www.gamblersanonymous.org.

The American Psychiatric Association identified pathological gambling as a psychiatric disorder in 1980. Some doctors specialize in the illness. The National Council on Problem Gambling, a nonprofit organization, refers gamblers to qualified mental health professionals who are trained to work with gamblers and their families. The toll-free phone number is (800) 522-4700.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Vincent," and I have been together for 10 years. We have two beautiful children, a good marriage and a close bond with my family.

Vincent's family disowned him when he married me because of my race, and he's now starting to feel the full emotional impact. He is angry and disappointed with his family, but I know he misses them terribly. I have been called every name in the book by his mother, ignored by his siblings and brought to tears by his father's hateful words. I refuse to expose our children to that kind of treatment, so I have not pushed Vincent to contact his family, even though I feel he should try.

Abby, his family grew up hating minorities, and I doubt they have changed since we last spoke. What can I do to help my husband though this without exposing myself and the children to their ignorance and bigotry? I know our kids will face this issue sometime, but it shouldn't come from family. -- UNACKNOWLEDGED IN ARIZONA

DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: I agree that it shouldn't come from family. So just listen when your husband vents, because his anger and disappointment are justified. Do not push him to contact his family. They are so vested in their bias that it's unlikely they will change.

Vincent made his choice 10 years ago, and he chose you. And that is why, rather than dwelling on the past, he should focus his energies on creating a successful and fulfilling future with you, his beautiful children and the family who has embraced him.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has a terminal illness, and we have begun the unpleasant task of making final arrangements. Our children are all in their teens.

Our youngest, "Mitch," is 15 and does not want to attend his mother's funeral. He says he would rather remember her as she is now instead of in a casket.

I know funerals are good for people because they give a sense of closure, but if Mitch doesn't want to go, I'm not sure I should press the issue. Can you please advise?

-- SAD DAD IN ARIZONA

DEAR SAD DAD: My heart goes out to your family at this difficult time. I'm glad you wrote, because I, too, have reservations about pressuring your son. This is a decision that he will have to arrive at on his own.

However, no law dictates that he would have to see his mother lying in the casket. It is my understanding that private farewells can be made with the casket open or closed. Please explain this to him. Also, when the time comes, he may change his mind and want to see her. It's a very personal decision.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Mara," has a temper. When she gets mad at our mom and stepfather, she goes into our room and slams the door as hard as she can. It has started to damage the door and walls, and they're fed up with it.

Our stepfather told Mara that if she does not stop it, he will take the door off. If it was just her, I would say she deserves it. But, it's my room, too, and it will take away MY privacy. Shouldn't he find some other type of punishment so I won't have to suffer, too? -- NOT MY FAULT IN MAINE

DEAR NOT YOUR FAULT: Yes, in fairness, he should. Surely, with enough ingenuity, your parents can think of a penalty designed "just for her" -- such as revoking her phone privileges, docking her allowance or grounding her -- that won't penalize an innocent bystander. (That's you.)

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