DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for 4 1/2 years, after a 24-year marriage. For the last 3 1/2 years, I have been seeing a woman I'll call "Marilyn." My problem is I have proposed to Marilyn on two occasions, and she has said no both times -- yet she continues our relationship. I am 49 and she is 45.

Marilyn has never been married and never left home. She lives with her mother and 15-year-old daughter. We all get along great. I guess my question is, do I continue with the way things are, or should I try to meet someone else, take a chance and start all over again? -- WANTS A WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WANTS A WIFE: You're asking the wrong person the wrong question. You should be asking yourself why you're continuing to pursue a woman who has rejected you twice. If you're happy as things are, I won't dissuade you. However, if it's a wife you're after, you should move on. As my grandfather used to say, if you're looking for trout, you won't find it fishing in a herring barrel.

DEAR ABBY: I love my fiance. We're supposed to be married soon. I can envision myself with him in the future, but I have never really been out on my own to experience life.

I think I may be bisexual. I have been attracted to a woman at work for about a month now, and I can't get her off my mind. I do want to be with my fiance -- just not right now. But if I tell him I want a break to explore who I am, I'm afraid I'll lose him forever. Please help. -- LONGING FOR SPACE

DEAR LONGING: You may love your fiance, but you are not ready to make a lifetime commitment to one person right now -- male or female. To do otherwise would be unfair to both of you.

The time has come to level with your fiance. It may -- or may not -- spell the end of the relationship, but it could also be the beginning of something more important: getting to know yourself.

Under no circumstances should you take a vow "to forsake all others" until you're absolutely sure you're able to follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I am 45 years old and in great shape. I have always taken care of myself by watching what I eat and exercising on a daily basis. I take pride in my physical and mental health, and take steps every day to achieve my goals.

People often tell me I don't need to worry about my weight, etc. Actually, I look the way I do because I DO worry about my weight!

So why do these comments bother me? And why do people make these comments? -- FULLY ALIVE AT 45

DEAR FULLY ALIVE: The remarks bother you because they negate the fact that you work hard to be the person you are. And people make them because they fail to appreciate that being mentally and physically in tip-top condition takes discipline and is an ongoing process.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have waited 36 years to marry. Most would say I was the quintessential bachelor. When I was younger, I never thought I'd date anyone with a child. I didn't want to deal with the "baggage" I thought came with dating a single mother.

Needless to say, I have been dating a delightful woman who has a 4-year-old son with whom I get along great. We've dated for a year and a half, I love her, and it's time I propose.

The three of us are a little team, and I'm wondering, when I ask her to marry me, should I involve her son and buy something for him -- and if so, what? I was thinking of a custom-made charm for a chain (remember, he's only 4). I would like it to be something he can keep with him the rest of his life. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- BACHELOR IN DOVER, N.H.

DEAR BACHELOR: Your sentiments are endearing. Because you are a "team," it would be wonderful to involve the child in the proposal. You might include him in the "surprise" for his mother, or even propose becoming a family to both of them.

However, at 4, the boy is too young to entrust with a piece of expensive jewelry -- and by the time he would be old enough to wear and appreciate it, a charm might not be in fashion, so I don't recommend it. The promise of your love and support is gift enough.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Yvonne," has been struggling with a painful issue most of her adult life. Her parents show no interest in her. This has been the case since she was young. Yvonne has continually reached out to them without success. Her mother calls maybe once a year and never sends anything for her birthday or Christmas. Her father is pretty much nonexistent.

This has been affecting my wife more and more as she gets older. She's 29 and a wonderful mother and wife, but every time she sees a mother and daughter spending time together on TV or in public, it makes her very sad. She always comments that she wishes she was like that with her mother. I have tried to console her the best I can, but it doesn't help much. What can I do to help her overcome this? -- HURTS FOR MY WIFE IN WARREN, MICH.

DEAR HURTS FOR MY WIFE: It appears you're doing all you can, but filling this hole in your wife's heart is more than a "civilian" can accomplish. She may need the help of a psychologist in order to repair the damage caused by her parents' neglect. Please suggest it to her because your wife may be more resilient than she thinks. I say this because she has been able to be an effective mother even though she had a poor role model to follow.

DEAR ABBY: I just found out that my mother has become engaged. I don't have a problem with it except for the fact that her fiance, "Harry," is younger than my brothers and me.

My father has passed away, and I do not intend to call Harry anything other than his first name. When I refer to him in conversation, should I call him my stepfather or my mother's husband? -- "STEPCHILD" IN VIRGINIA

DEAR "STEPCHILD": You are all adults. Therefore I see nothing disrespectful in referring to Harry as your mother's husband. That's what he will be.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband is 56. His daughter, "Loreen," from his first marriage is 35. At times when he gives her a hug (as she's leaving from a visit) he will slap her on the butt. This makes me uncomfortable because it seems inappropriate at her age. I have told him how this makes me feel; he says it's something he has always done with both of his children. (He also has a son.)

I guess I could see it as a playful gesture when they were kids, but at this point I don't think so. It reminds me of the kind of intimacy demonstrated between a husband and wife, not a father and daughter. Am I being too uptight? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: You have confused someone getting a "love pat" with someone being hit ON. Yes, I think in this case you are being too uptight, unless there is something else you have observed that you haven't told me.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and have a 13-year-old sister I'll call "Becky," who is mentally retarded. My mother recently tried to force me to promise that I'll always take care of Becky when she and Dad die or can no longer take care of her.

I think it's unfair to saddle me with a lifetime obligation like this. I have had to make many sacrifices because of Becky. I have to share a room with her and sleep with her in a double bed because she's afraid to sleep alone -- even though we have a spare bedroom. I have never had a sleepover because Becky gets too upset with someone else sleeping in our room. I could go on and on.

I think I should be free of Becky as an adult. There are other alternatives for challenged individuals. Mother says it's my obligation because she's family. I don't believe it should be my lifetime obligation just because we're born to the same parents. What do you think? -- NO THANKS! SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR NO THANKS!: You appear to be very angry, and with some justification. You have already had too much responsibility thrust upon you. Your sister should have been taught to sleep by herself years ago, because eventually that's what she will have to do.

Your family obligation to your sister isn't necessarily the kind your mother is trying to coerce you into. If and when your parents become too incapacitated to care for Becky, a group living situation might be healthier for all concerned. Your sister may not have a life of her own until she makes that transition. Consider how lonely it must be for her to have no socialization beyond your parents.

While you do not have to keep your sister with you, you do have a moral obligation to see that she's well cared for. In that sense, your mother is right. But you certainly have a right to pursue your own life, career and family without anyone laying a guilt trip on you. And you do not have to sacrifice your happiness, or sleep with your sister, for the rest of your life and/or hers.

DEAR READERS: Today marks the lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Rat. Those born in the Year of the Rat are imaginative, charming and generous to those they love. Gung Hay Fat Choy!

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