DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom with two little girls. My problem is that my father-in-law insists on visiting us when his son -- my husband -- is at work. I find it weird and imposing. I have already voiced my discomfort to my husband. He tells me I am being ridiculous and selfish. Is that so?

My father-in-law also shows up at my part-time job unannounced to "visit" me. Am I being ridiculous? -- INVADED IN SHORT HILLS, N.J.

DEAR INVADED: Could your father-in-law be bored, lonely or physically attracted to you? Wanting to spend time with the grandchildren is understandable, but visiting you at your job sends another message. At the very least, assuming he can drop by any time and you will entertain him is presumptuous.

You are neither ridiculous nor selfish. Your father-in-law appears to have no boundaries. He owes you the courtesy of calling before coming over to ask if it would be convenient. If you are uncomfortable alone with him, listen to your gut and refuse to have him over unless your husband is at home.

DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old son, "Jared," died of cancer a year ago last August. Before then, I was afraid to die. Now that Jared is gone I'm no longer scared to die. This may sound bad, but now I can't wait to die.

I would never kill myself because if I did, I wouldn't go to heaven. I'm not formally religious and never have been, but I know that heaven is where Jared is, and I badly want to reunite with him.

Before I was 21, I did a lot of bad things. I am now 28, and I deeply regret them. I stole money from family members. I also took things from stores and drank a lot. (I still drink.) I also did drugs and lied. (Sometimes I still do.)

What can I do to make sure that when I die I'll be with my beautiful boy? Jared was my life, and the only thing getting me through his death is knowing I'll see him again. Please help. -- UNSURE WHERE I'LL END UP

DEAR UNSURE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your little boy. I know you are in pain, and while you say you are not formally religious, your faith is what is getting you through this.

While it is impossible to change one's past behavior, there is much you can do to improve your future. First and foremost, cut out the drinking, drugging and lying, and find a way to constructively contribute to this life. Once you do, you will not only begin to feel better about yourself, but will also begin paving the way to heaven. The mistakes of your youth should not prevent this.

I urge you to discuss your concerns with a clergyperson who can offer you guidance. You can also find comfort in talking with other parents who have lost children. They will identify with your pain in a way that no one else can.

A group I have mentioned in my column recently is The Compassionate Friends. There are hundreds of chapters, and if you check its Web site (www.compassionatefriends.org), it can refer you to local meetings. Please don't wait to contact it.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Our 40th wedding anniversary will soon be here, and my wife, "Nancy," and I are considering renewing our vows. We were married when I was in the service during the Vietnam War, so we had only a rushed ceremony with a justice of the peace.

I would like a full-blown wedding for my dear wife. I picture Nancy walking down the aisle wearing her white gown, looking as beautiful as the day we were first married. My children, now adults, think this is unnecessary and a waste of money. (We don't have much -- we're on Social Security.)

I think my wife deserves the wedding she never had. Nancy has been through so much stress with all the surgeries I've had. I feel the love of my life and mother of my children deserves the wedding she was dreaming of. What do you think? -- STEVE W. IN PHOENIX

DEAR STEVE: Frankly, I think what you're considering is a beautiful gesture, but you have already given your wife the kind of MARRIAGE most women dream of -- a lifetime with a husband who demonstrates his caring and devotion. If you can afford the kind of renewal of vows you're considering and Nancy can still fit into that dress, then go for it. However, under no circumstances should you spend more than you can afford.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Julie's" 13-year-old daughter, "Marci," used to be a little overweight, but she has recently lost most of the extra pounds. Julie keeps telling Marci how great she looks "now." (I never heard her tell her daughter that she looked great when she was heavier.) I compliment Marci by telling her she looks terrific, but that I always thought she was beautiful -- no matter what her weight was.

In this day and age of eating disorders in young girls, what is the proper way to offer a compliment when a teenage girl loses weight so that she won't go overboard from suddenly hearing a lot of praise? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN DEERFIELD, MASS.

DEAR CONCERNED: Your way. To do otherwise could cause a girl to develop an eating disorder, if she doesn't already have one. You should also compliment her on her other good qualities because it's important that young women feel valued for more than the number on their bathroom scale or their dress size.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a middle-aged woman, dating a man my age. "Jack" and I are in the entertainment industry. (I'm a dance instructor, and he's a musician.)

When I have a cold, Jack refuses to see me until I am completely over it. He says he doesn't want to get sick. It has been a week since I've seen him. How does this strike you in terms of commitment, marriage, living together, being together as a couple?

I understand that Jack doesn't want to catch my cold, but we're a couple! It feels very weird to me, as though I'm not important to him. What's your take on this? -- IN QUARANTINE IN MORRO BAY

DEAR IN QUARANTINE: If Jack plays a wind instrument, a cold could affect his ability to work. Another possibility might be that colds may hit him harder and last longer than they do you. Your boyfriend could also be germ-phobic or commitment-phobic.

I wish I could give you a conclusive answer, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait until you're no longer contagious, then "catch" it from Jack.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Wilbur" and I have been together for 25 years, married for nine. During that time we have been through almost everything.

Abby, I am disappointed in the man Wilbur has turned out to be. He does nothing around the house. He does hold a job, but that's the beginning and the end of it. On top of that, Wilbur shows me no affection. He doesn't hug or kiss me, and he sleeps with a pillow between us. I realize he was never very lovey-dovey, but now there is no affection at all.

I dream about being close to a man, having a companion with whom to enjoy things in life -- simple things like going for coffee together after walking through a flea market holding hands.

Our lives have been intertwined for a quarter of a century. I feel there's nowhere for me to go. How does someone in my situation find happiness? -- DISILLUSIONED IN MILFORD, CONN.

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You and Wilbur may have been together for 25 years, but it appears you parted ways a long time ago. In order for there to be sex and affection, there has to be some sort of intimacy -- and by that, I mean communication.

I suggest you begin by asking Wilbur what has happened to your relationship. If he's willing to talk, with the help of a marriage counselor you may be able to fix what has gone wrong. I can't promise you passion, but at least you won't be acting like cellmates.

If Wilbur is unwilling to cooperate, then the time has come to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Are you better off with him or without him? If you decide to stick it out because you "have nowhere to go," you may have to do a lot of sublimating. Spend as much time as you can with people (or animals) that will return the warmth you crave.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mom with four kids. My oldest son is dating a sweet girl I'll call "Renee." The problem is she's always at my house. She's here when I return from work in the evenings and every weekend.

While I don't mind Renee's presence, I am finding it difficult to constantly feed her. I can no longer take my children out to eat without offering to include her, and she always accepts. When I grocery shop, I am now shopping for five kids instead of just my four.

How do I handle this without hurt feelings? Renee's family has very little money, and sometimes there's not much food in their house. Frankly, I feel sorry for her, but I'm struggling to feed my own kids on my salary. I know the lack of food at Renee's house isn't my problem, and I feel horrible for thinking the way I do. Please help. -- STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STRETCHED: Talk to your son, specifically about your budget. It will then be up to him to set some limits with his girlfriend. Frankly, the fact that the two of them are together every night and every weekend concerns me, because too much alone time could lead to yet another mouth to feed.

Because food is a problem at Renee's house, it would be a kindness to speak to Renee's mother about seeking aid for dependent children to be sure they have adequate nutrition. The place for her to start would be the county department of social services to see if they qualify.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)