My husband and I are extremely worried about how to handle this situation. Our children don't remember Frank because he has been "away" for a couple of years. How do we make sure they will be safe? Do we tell them to stay away from him and then have to explain why -- or reinforce what we have already taught them about private parts of their bodies and inappropriate touching? It's a given that everyone will be on "red alert" the entire time he is around.

This is especially difficult for me because I was sexually abused as a child. I know how quickly and easily predators can do things to children. With professional help I have dealt with my past so I could be a healthy parent. How can I get through Christmas with my sanity and my children unharmed? -- WISHES SISSY WAS SINGLE, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR WISHES: I assume that your sister and Frank will be visiting more relatives than you and your husband because, under the circumstances, I cannot believe you would have invited them.

Because of your personal history, your alarm is understandable. And considering Frank's history, I am sure the adults in the extended family will watch him like hawks. However, your children should not only be reminded about inappropriate touching, you should also make clear to them that your sister's husband did some things he should not have to other children, and warn them to keep their distance and not trust him regardless of how "nice" he may seem.

P.S. I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but in the States, as part of his release from prison, Frank might not be allowed to be around minor children. Check it out with the authorities in your community.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help with a serious problem. I steal. I'm in my 60s and have done it since I was a teen.

I have never been caught because I do buy things. I am well-educated and have a nice way with people. I need to stop because one day I know I could be arrested and bring shame to myself as well as my husband and family. I don't steal expensive things, and sometimes I exchange price tags. No one notices it.

What causes this behavior? I am financially well off and have no need for half of what I take. It's an impulse I just can't control. I am ashamed of myself for doing it, and I pray for help, but nothing works. Can you help me, please? -- SINFUL SENIOR IN FLORIDA

DEAR SINFUL SENIOR: I don't know why YOU are doing it, but sometimes people steal in an attempt to make up for something they feel is missing in their lives. Others do it for a "thrill." If you are sincere about wanting to know what's driving your impulse to take things you don't need, you should consult a psychotherapist to help you get to the root of it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the problem encountered by "Hurt Beyond Words in Cedar Rapids" (Oct. 22). Sorry to disagree with you, Abby, but "Hurt" needs a divorce lawyer, not a marriage counselor. I'm speaking from experience.

My ex-wife essentially abandoned my kids and me in order to spend time with her "best bud," and married him less than six months after the ink was dry on the divorce she engineered. Yes, I tried counseling; she didn't like the counselor she asked me to choose. But her mind was made up long before the problem became apparent.

My prayer is that "Hurt" will pick himself up, divorce himself from this woman and this situation, and move on with his life. -- WALKED IN HIS BOOTS, ALLEN, TEXAS

DEAR WALKED IN HIS BOOTS: Please accept my sympathy. I heard from readers of both sexes whose spouses had left them after Internet affairs, and none of them agreed with me that the marriage might be salvageable. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was in the same situation as "Hurt" 10 years ago. My wife at the time also "found" someone online. They started out as friends, and then she drove to Texas to see him. I tried to be strong as I watched her drive off. She promised nothing would happen. Well, something did happen.

We went to marriage counseling before and after her trip. She even flew to spend a long weekend with him while we were in counseling.

My advice is to cut the strings now. She has already cut the emotional strings, and like my ex, she is stringing her husband along while she gets her ducks in a row. As for telling her family, no matter what she does, whether they like it or not, she will always be their little girl, and they will stand by her.

Please urge "Hurt" not to fall into this emotional trap. It's a lost cause, and he should get on with his life. -- MARTY IN ALABAMA

DEAR ABBY: That woman has made her choice to throw in the towel and have a premeditated affair by planning the trip. She should have filed for divorce if she wanted out so bad. But sometimes the partner is irresponsible and leaves it up to the other partner to take care of the details. Let her go! Sometimes it's best to go your own separate ways. She ain't worth it! -- BECKY IN OGDEN, IOWA

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt's" wife has fallen for someone online that she knows nothing about. He could be a serial killer as far as she knows. The very idea of her going to Texas saying she's going to see her parents when all the time she's going to meet him -- I think she's out of her mind! She may never come back from Texas. He needs to get the divorce papers ready. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thought so little of me. -- GRANNY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: I was shocked at your response to "Hurt." You advised that husband to talk to his wife's parents about the problems he was having with their daughter?! The No. 1 rule for a good marriage and healthy family dynamics is NOT to talk to the in-laws about the faults of their child. See a counselor or minister for help with your marriage. -- MICHELLE IN EAST MOLINE, ILL.

DEAR MICHELLE: I felt that the parents should greet their daughter with their eyes wide open.

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DEAR ABBY: With the holidays here, I know you are again being inundated with questions about what kind of gifts to give to seniors. Years ago, I took one of your ideas and decided to help my grandmother with Christmas cards. (She had arthritis, and it was hard for her to write.) It was one of the best presents I ever gave her, and it was lots of fun for me.

I visited her, asked for the names and addresses of the people she wanted to send cards to, and wrote them all down on notebook paper. Then we went through her address book together. She had a story about everyone in the book. At Thanksgiving, I took her to the store to select cards and then addressed them and had her sign them.

As Christmas drew closer, Grandma would tell my mom who had sent her a Christmas card. I realized then that the gift I thought I was giving her was really several gifts -- doing the cards for her, the visits, and her receiving cards because people knew she was thinking of them.

This Christmas I would like to suggest giving the gift of TIME to older persons. Visit, take them to dinner or to the store. The gift I thought I was giving my grandmother turned out to be a precious gift I gave myself. I continued doing it until my grandmother died, and I still miss hearing her wonderful stories. -- GRATEFUL GRANDSON, ROCHESTER HILLS, MICH.

DEAR GRATEFUL GRANDSON: Although today's seniors are living longer and the quality of life is extended, for some there comes a time when infirmity and the death of friends cause them to become isolated. I agree that the most precious gift a person can give another is the gift of self, time and attention in this hyperactive, stressful world we live in today. I hope my readers will take your suggestion to heart because it's a valuable one. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a holiday gift suggestion for seniors who are on fixed incomes: My Aunt Jane is 85. She's in poor health and virtually stuck at home. She has what she needs -- except, of course, her health, independence and her late husband. She has reached the stage of giving things away -- certainly not collecting more.

With Aunt Jane in mind, I went shopping at a local toy store and selected a bunch of cute items (stickers, balls, jacks, puzzles, etc.). The store generously included enough gift bags and colored tissue for each little purchase.

When I presented Aunt Jane with 10 bags of tiny gifts she could give to her great-nieces and -nephews, she was thrilled. We had a wonderful time together deciding which child would receive which toy and writing appropriate messages on the gift cards.

This gift idea is far more practical than more soaps and sachets than the recipient can ever use. -- MARY L., NEW ORLEANS

DEAR MARY L.: Good ideas come in small packages. Thank you for sending yours.

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