DEAR ABBY: I don't celebrate Christmas and haven't for many years. Once in a while someone will give me a Christmas gift. (I have also received the occasional Easter gift.)

What is the correct thing to do in that situation? Some people tell me I should not accept the gift, and I should explain to the giver that I don't celebrate these holidays. Others have told me I should accept the gift and send a thank-you note.

Please tell me what to do, as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone by accepting a gift when I have not gotten them one. -- ESMERALDA IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR ESMERALDA: Not everyone gives a gift expecting one in return. When someone presents you with a holiday gift, explain that you aren't comfortable accepting it because you haven't celebrated the holidays in years. Offer it back, but if it is refused, thank the giver graciously for it and also write a thank-you note. If the item is something you can use and enjoy, do so. If not, donate it to charity.

P.S. If you feel inclined, consider giving the giver a gift at another time.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are one of the most difficult times of the year for families mourning the death of a child. A time of festivity becomes instead one of great emptiness and sadness.

I would like to make the tens of thousands of bereaved families who read your column aware of the Worldwide Candle Lighting sponsored by The Compassionate Friends, a non-profit self-help bereavement organization with 600 chapters in the United States, and a national presence in nearly 30 countries around the world.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting is held at 7 p.m. local time for one hour on the second Sunday in December (this year, Dec. 9), creating a 24-hour wave of light in remembrance of all children who have died, no matter their age or the cause of death. Also available that day at The Compassionate Friends Web site will be a remembrance book where visitors can post a message in memory of the child who died.

Last year, nearly 375 formal services were held in the United States by chapters of The Compassionate Friends, allied organizations and bereaved parent groups in all 50 states, Washington, D.C., and Puerto Rico, and this year Dear Abby readers are invited to participate. Services will also be held throughout Canada and more than a dozen countries abroad.

Anyone who is unable or who doesn't wish to attend a formal service is welcome to light a candle in their home and share this time with family and friends. -- PATRICIA LODER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, USA

DEAR PATRICIA: I'm pleased to help you spread the word. Your worthwhile organization has helped, and continues to help, grieving families through the darkest period of their lives.

Readers, check for a local candle lighting by visiting The Compassionate Friends Web site at � HYPERLINK "http://www.compassionatefriends.org" ��www.compassionatefriends.org� or by calling toll-free: (877) 969-0010.

I hope this ceremony will make the holidays a little easier for bereaved families, not only in this country, but also around the world who have lost a child. The Candle Lighting is held in remembrance of their little angels, that their light may always shine.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Courtney," was recently married, and the week leading up to the wedding was a disaster. My husband, "Jeff," and I paid for the majority of her lavish wedding with assistance from her new in-laws. My ex-husband, "Earl" (Courtney's father), didn't pay for any portion of it. Over the past 15 years he has offered little support, financially or emotionally. In fact, Earl has stolen from both of my daughters (it was identity theft) and ran up thousands of dollars in bills, not to mention the unpaid medical expenses and child support.

Courtney and her fiance's family were scheduled to stay at our house for a few days prior to the wedding. One week before they were scheduled to come, Courtney informed me that she wanted to "establish a new relationship" with her father and his side of the family.

Being already emotional about the wedding, I flipped out. I didn't understand how she could do this to me and her stepdad after all our years of picking up the pieces.

Courtney told me to "stuff it" and did as she pleased. Her new in-laws sided with her. They were aware of the problems with Earl, the stolen money, etc. Jeff and I attended the wedding, but were treated poorly. Needless to say, Earl was treated like a king.

Jeff thinks I need to write Courtney off, as she has shown her true colors. Right now, I am very upset. Have you any suggestions? -- DEVASTATED IN PHOENIX

DEAR DEVASTATED: Yes, I do. If you want to spare yourself years of pain and aggravation, you will listen to your husband. It appears that Courtney is her father's daughter.

The sacrifices you made to raise her have resulted in her becoming a selfish, self-centered, rude adult. In order for her to fulfill her fantasy of being "Daddy's girl," she was willing to sacrifice her relationship with you. For your own sake, do not forget it. Unless you can take a giant emotional step backward, Courtney will continue to treat you like a doormat -- and don't be surprised if she uses any children she has as leverage. Be forewarned.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old girl who is faced with a dilemma. My friend, "Kate," and I were sexually assaulted at a party we attended recently. The guy who did it was a friend of Kate's and very popular. He claims he blacked out and doesn't remember what happened.

Although it didn't escalate to rape, what happened deeply upset Kate. I have put the incident behind me, but Kate can't. We have brought this to the attention of the police and must now decide whether we should allow this to go to court.

Because we were underage and alcohol was a key factor, would going to court and having the case possibly thrown out be worth the emotional toll it takes on me and Kate? Forcing the guy to go to court would hurt him, but it could hurt us, as well. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Because no rape occurred and, I assume, everyone involved was under the influence, I am unsure what the consequences would be if you took the young man to court. This is something you and Kate should discuss with legal counsel, because more might be gained if he and his family were to agree to foot the bill for post-traumatic stress counseling for Kate -- and alcohol abuse counseling for all three of you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our 86-year-old father needs to go temporarily (about 10 days) to a rehabilitation hospital for physical and pulmonary ailments. However, our 86-year-old mother refuses to encourage him and "allow" him to go. This happened once before, and Dad will not stand up to her and do what he knows will help himself. His quality of life would improve if he went.

Mom says the hospital is "too far away," and it's "too inconvenient." My sister, brother, niece and nephew would arrange to take her to visit him if she chose not to go with Dad. Still she discourages him, and bitter family arguments ensue.

It is painful to see Dad suffer because of her decision -- and his lack of backbone -- regarding rehab. He wants to go, but can't stand up to her controlling nature. Should we siblings "butt out" and not try to influence him to do what we and the doctor know would be best for him? Would we be interfering in their marriage and the situation? -- FEELS FOR MY FATHER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR FEELS: It appears that your 86-year-old mother is afraid of change -- even change for the better. Improving your father's quality of life is not "interfering." As caring children, see that he obeys the doctor's orders. Hold a family meeting, outvote your mother, take your father to the facility, and argue about it later when he's better.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with a flirtatious neighbor. My fiance, "Ron," and I are building a new home, and every time we go to check on the progress, our neighbors, the "Smiths," come over to talk. Mr. Smith seems OK, but his wife stares, smiles and touches Ron. She has even stated that Ron must like older women -- meaning me, although we're about the same age. She does this in the presence of her husband.

What should I say to Mrs. Smith? I hate to move into a new home only to dread our neighbors coming around, but she makes me very uncomfortable. Please help. -- IN A PICKLE IN GREENSBORO, N.C.

DEAR IN A PICKLE: Nothing you could possibly say to Mrs. Smith would be as effective as a couple of pertinent comments from your fiance. The next time the "desperate housewife" touches him, he should say, "Don't do that. I don't like it!" And if she aims another snide comment in your direction, he should take your arm, say, "C'mon, Honey -- we don't need this," and end the conversation.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived in the same house for almost three years. My girlfriend at the time I moved here moved out a year ago and never took her stuff with her. I felt guilty, so I told her she could leave her things here as long as she wanted.

Well, I am married now, and her stuff is still in the attic. My wife wants it out. I agree that it should go, but I feel bad about it because I hate breaking a promise.

Is it really OK in any instance to go back on my word, even for my wife? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN BELLEVILLE

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: In a case like this, it is perfectly fine to contact your old girlfriend and let her know that the time has come for her to make other arrangements for her "stuff." You have a new life now, and presumably, so does she. Her stuff belongs in her new dwelling or in storage, not in your attic.

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