DEAR ABBY: I was going to a hair salon about five times a year to have my hair cut and styled. A few months back, the owner, who had always cut my hair, went out on maternity leave, so another stylist cut my hair. I mentioned to her that, as I have gotten older, my hair has thinned, that I hated how it looked and didn't know how to cut it anymore. She gave me a beautiful cut.

When the owner returned, I asked her to follow the cut, but she didn't do it exactly, and refused to ask the woman who had done it how it was done.

When it was time for my next haircut, I called and asked the stylist to cut my hair again, but she hesitated. Her reply was, "If my son isn't sick." Abby, the appointment I was scheduling was two weeks away. I "got the message," and I am now patronizing another salon.

I thought beauty salons were a business and not just about "I saw you first!" Is there some unwritten rule in the beauty business that whoever cuts your hair when you first got there is your stylist forever? I'm unhappy now, and they lost a customer. Who wins? -- CUT SHORT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CUT SHORT: This wasn't a matter of "I saw you first." You were the salon owner's steady customer. If you wanted to change stylists, you should have had the courage to tell the salon owner that you wanted to make a change and not put the other hairstylist on the spot.

Yes, hairstyling is a business, but stylists often forge personal relationships with long-standing clients. Out of respect for the owner's feelings, you should have made your wishes known directly so there could be no misunderstanding.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 5-year-old and a 9-month-old -- both boys. They are incredibly sweet, well-behaved, beautiful children. My problem is how people relate to the boys.

People often go out of their way to tell us how cute our baby is, and go on to say, "He looks like the Gerber baby." I appreciate their compliments, but they often ignore our 5-year-old. He is also a darling child, but because he's so well-behaved, too often people don't give him a second glance.

When we're at home I make sure to give him plenty of compliments about a variety of things, including his behavior, his eating habits and helpfulness. I don't want his feelings hurt when people go overboard with the baby.

Is there anything I can say when this happens to help him feel important and noticed as well? Is there something I should say to the adults involved so they are more aware of my older son's feelings? -- PROUD MOMMY OF TWO

DEAR PROUD MOMMY: The adults you described are thoughtless and insensitive, and trying to educate them in front of your 5-year-old won't work. The next time it happens, put your arm around your older boy and say, "This is his big brother, 'Bobby.' We're so proud of Bobby because not only is he a good boy, he's also smart and sweet and helpful with his little brother." In other words, bring Bobby out of the shadows and into the spotlight, too. It does work.

P.S. What's going on with your "Gerber baby" is the reason actors don't like working with small children and puppies. They're scene-stealers.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: This will be the fourth holiday season my boyfriend and I have shared together. We usually split Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations between our two families, although not equally.

I come from a large family that understands the need to "share" me with my boyfriend's family. My boyfriend comes from a small family; he is the only child. Last Christmas, he was allowed to visit with my family for only 20 minutes.

This Thanksgiving all six of my mother's siblings will be here with their families for the first time in five years. My uncle, who is in the Air Force and is being sent to the Middle East in December, will also be here. It is important to me that my boyfriend spend time with my family this Thanksgiving, but he always knuckles under to the guilt trip from his mother.

He says that until he graduates from college, he has to live by their rules, but I think their rules are unreasonable. We want only two or three hours with him. I don't think this is unreasonable. What do you think? -- WANTS TO SHARE

DEAR WANTS TO SHARE: I think your boyfriend's parents are in for a rude awakening once he graduates from college. But for now they have their son under their thumb, so accept it. A way around this might be for your parents to invite your boyfriend AND his parents to join you for Thanksgiving. For now, they are a package deal.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about a new trend I have been seeing. It has become commonplace for parents to call their teenage children from the car at the curb when picking them up from a friend's house. I realize this saves time, but I am concerned that today's parents do not do the necessary "legwork" in meeting their children's friends and their friends' parents, checking to see if an adult will be on the premises and observing the general home situation that their child will be visiting.

I am amazed at parents who drop off their teens to spend the night and never bother to come to the door. I also see this tendency in the young people themselves. A young man came to pick up our teenage daughter for a date and called her from the car to say he was out front.

Am I old-fashioned, or is this an issue that should be addressed? -- CONSCIENTIOUS PARENT IN DENVER

DEAR CONSCIENTIOUS: No, you are not old-fashioned. The message you are sending makes common sense.

As to the young man who came to pick up your daughter, I hope she informed him that she wasn't going anywhere until he came to the door and met her parents. That's not "old-fashioned"; it's respectful and a display of good manners. And good manners never go out of style.

DEAR ABBY: I am in eighth grade and take band. My band teacher is very aggressive toward me and often yells at me in class. It's very embarrassing. He makes me so upset that sometimes I start to cry. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to make him even angrier at me, but I don't think I can take his aggressiveness anymore. How can I stop this without quitting band? -- UPSET TRUMPET PLAYER IN NEW YORK

DEAR UPSET: Because your teacher appears to be losing his composure, you should tell your parents, and they should inform the school principal. Your band teacher may be in need of both professional and psychological counseling.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Call me nostalgic, but I miss receiving handwritten personal notes and letters in my daily mail. Has it finally gotten to the point where it's futile to reach into the mailbox looking for a handwritten letter from a friend or relative?

I'm talking about letters handwritten on stationery, in which thoughts and greetings are exchanged. Yes, they did take longer to arrive -- but I miss them!

Today's mailboxes are stuffed with circulars, ads, requests for donations from every conceivable charity or conservation organization, etc. But where is the simple handwritten note from a grandchild, son, daughter or distant nephew?

With the dominance of e-mail, we have lost touch with the elegance of personal contact. Too many inane e-mail messages are immediately forwarded to half a dozen people -- who forward them to another half-dozen people who aren't interested in receiving them in the first place. How impersonal can you get?

Wouldn't it be great to institute a Handwritten Letter Week? It would be one week a year during which we would forgo e-mail and sit with pen in hand to jot a few personal notes on stationery to friends and relatives across the country. Don't you agree? -- WALTER H., OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR WALTER H.: Yes, I do. Although e-mail is here to stay, handwritten correspondence still has an important place in people's lives.

Each method of communication fills a need. E-mail is fast, cheap and easy. However, it can often also be terse and impersonal. Handwritten messages can be an art form, an elegant skill that expresses emotions. Some examples: love letters, letters of condolence, and thank-you notes for gifts or for having been entertained.

Many people forgo writing to others because they either don't know what to say or are afraid they will say the wrong thing. But anyone can write a letter by following a few basic rules. My booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" contains not only the fundamentals, but also sample letters for almost every occasion. It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

With the holiday season upon us, and people sending greeting cards through the end of the year, this is the perfect time to enclose a handwritten letter. While letter-writing may always be a chore to some people, there are occasions when the handwritten word is the most appropriate, sensitive and elegant means of communicating one's thoughts.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old. What do you do if you have a friend you swore you'd tell everything to, but you have a secret you just "can't" tell him? -- SEDIKA IN DETROIT

DEAR SEDIKA: Honey, you stop making promises you can't keep!