DEAR ABBY: I have a 30-year-old daughter who was happily married to a man she loved. My daughter and son-in-law worked in information technology for many years and did well at it. Because of their intensive work schedules they decided to start a family only last year. When my daughter conceived, our families were overjoyed.

Unfortunately, after only 2 1/2 months, my daughter miscarried. She was so upset about it that she decided to return to the country we had emigrated from.

Three months after that, she became involved with a man she knew from her childhood. She returned to the U.S. and said she wanted to separate from her husband. It was a shock to us and everyone who loves her. We tried to pacify her and begged her to seek counseling. She refused to discuss it. Without further discussion, she filed for divorce.

I am acquainted with the man she got involved with. His mother and I were close friends. He never completed his education, has no regular source of income and used to abuse his mother. I was shocked that my daughter would get involved with such a person -- and so quickly.

I told my daughter to be patient, that if she wanted a separation from her husband, she could do it without getting involved with that young man. She is adamant that she will do as she likes. She says she wants to be independent of all family ties and lead her own life.

Please advise us. I don't know what our family and her husband should do. -- UNHAPPY MOTHER IN THE EAST

DEAR UNHAPPY MOTHER: It's sad, but sometimes marriages do end over the loss of a child. The grief is so deep that instead of drawing the parents together, it pulls them apart.

From what you have told me about your daughter's new love interest, she is making a huge mistake. However, because she refuses to accept counseling, I see no way to prevent it. Her husband may be able to slow down the divorce process, but he cannot stop it.

If you love your daughter, as I am sure you do, I can only advise you to be there for her in the coming months and years, because her road will not be an easy one.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Alexa," has a habit of biting her nails and chewing on her cuticles when she's talking to people. I'm sure it's just a nervous habit, but I am concerned because her fingers bleed from chewing on them so often.

Alexa and I work in an office that deals with a lot of paperwork, and I often work directly with her on projects. The habit itself is one thing, but because her fingers are constantly bleeding, I'm worried about the health risks this may be presenting.

I cringe when I have to handle documents after Alexa does, and I become sick to my stomach when she chews her cuticles when we're conversing. How should I handle this? -- GROSSED OUT IN BALTIMORE

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Your co-worker appears to either be a nervous wreck or be suffering from OCD. Because she is bleeding on the documents others must work with, it's time to discuss this problem with your supervisor. Even if the woman is in the best of health, there is the "ick" factor to consider, and people should not have to handle documents she has processed with saliva on her fingers.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, while visiting my son, "Jack," and his wife, "Mary," in a nearby state, I saw a few dishes in the sink waiting to be washed -- so I washed them. When Mary saw what I had done, she became upset. She said, "I don't keep house the way you do." My reply at the time was that I was only trying to be helpful. That was all the cleaning I did -- I swear.

A few years later, when they visited me, Mary vacuumed, scrubbed floors and cleaned out my refrigerator -- all without asking me or being asked to do so. When Jack noticed this unusual activity and questioned it, Mary replied, "She cleaned at our house when she visited us."

How do I handle such a long-held resentment without damaging my son's and my own relationship? I have never been invited to stay at their home since.

Jack does visit me alone, and the two of them stop by on their way to other vacation spots. Mary's latest ploy is to be very "concerned" about Jack driving such a long way by himself to visit me. They plan to be here in about six weeks. I need to confer with my son about my private finances, house repairs, and show him needed chores that I can no longer do myself. This house will be his to dispose of at my death.

My husband died 20 years ago. Until then I had never worked. I earned my college degree soon after and joined the workforce. I asked little of others during that emotionally draining time. I am not a person who demands much attention.

I know that I must prepare to move from my own home soon, and have asked Jack to investigate community living arrangements in a city near where he lives. He's dragging his feet. What should I do? He has my power of attorney. I have a brother, but he's 87 and not well. I also have a daughter on the East Coast, but she has problems of her own and a mentally ill husband. Please help me do some clear thinking. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: You appear to be thinking very clearly already. It's time to stop depending on your son. Hire a handyman to change the lightbulbs and do the little repairs around your house. And rather than waiting for Jack to investigate assisted-living facilities, begin doing it yourself. It would be a smart move because only you know what kind of a place will make you happy.

A word of warning, however: If at all possible, before making any permanent decisions about where you intend to live, rent out your house for a year and see how you would really like living in another community. If your support systems are all based where you are, you may decide you want to return to your home rather than relocate far from friends and familiar surroundings.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl who recently got a job working as an usher at a movie theater. My problem is moviegoers who come in late for a film and try to rush me when I'm working at the concession stand.

It's not my fault that they're late for their movie. How can I tell them they should have arrived earlier in a nice way without sounding rude? -- ANGELICA IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR ANGELICA: There's an adage in business: "The customer is always right." It would be a public relations mistake to enlighten your customers about their "sins" -- even in the City of Angels. So fill their orders as quickly as you can, give them a smile, and let them pay the penalty for their tardiness.

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DEAR ABBY: "Anonymous in Arizona" (Sept. 7) was wondering how to explain to her future children that their father's brother was born a girl, particularly in childhood photos in which he appears as a girl. While most of your reply was sound -- especially how transgendered people are born in the wrong body (which I wish more people could understand) -- I disagree with your advice about the photo albums.

As a transgendered man, I'd be mortified if I knew a photo of me in dresses and pigtails from my youth was included in a family album for my son to see. But I also know many transpeople who wouldn't mind at all. How we deal with our background is a personal and individual decision. Anonymous' brother-in-law "John" should be allowed to have a say in whether or not images of him as a child should be included.

It would be reasonable for her husband to approach his brother privately and ask his feelings on the issue. If John doesn't mind childhood photos in an album, then great. If he does, however, then Anonymous should do her best to find ones of her husband only, or have the pictures cropped. -- MICHIGAN TRANSGUY

DEAR MICHIGAN TRANSGUY: Thank you for your authoritative response. Anonymous was hesitant to discuss this sensitive issue with her brother-in-law or any other family member. Many readers agreed with you that the wisest course of action would be to talk to John for his input. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although the subject is "something that is never mentioned," the writer's husband needs to sit down with his brother and discuss the matter. The fact that John is transgendered appears to be the elephant in the living room that no one wants to discuss. Surely John has anticipated these things from early on in his new life, and a psychiatrist most likely prepared him for it before he even had the gender reassignment surgery. Ignoring it and acting like he's some sort of oddity that's not to be mentioned is probably the worst thing that could be done -- for everyone, including John. -- SAN JOSE, CALIF., READER

DEAR ABBY: Anonymous shouldn't be so sure that John doesn't know she knows. Most spouses discuss their childhoods with each other, and John probably assumes that his brother had told her about his history.

At some point the children will ask more questions, as will adults. Most transpeople are open about their gender, and Anonymous can use the photo album as an opportunity to teach, as you stated, that John was always male. People need to hear this message, so that they, too, can understand. As with same-sex love, gender issues should be discussed matter-of-factly with children. -- LIBBY IN ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: To show respect and acceptance, she should ask John how he would handle such a conversation with her child. In addition, when her child asks about the apparent discrepancy in the photos, at what will inevitably be the most inappropriate moment (i.e. Thanksgiving dinner), she and John should be prepared rather than exchanging awkward glances. It takes communication to keep the dynamics of a family healthy. (Take it from someone who has a few skeletons in the closet!) -- JENNY IN RENO

DEAR ABBY: I'm also a transman (born in a female body). It was refreshing to read such a sensible reply. Most often, we transgendered folk are treated as freaks even though it has been proven again and again that gender is determined by what is between your ears, not between your legs. -- MIKHAIL IN GRAND RAPIDS

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