DEAR ABBY: Every year I receive baked goods from a friend who lives across the country. They are petrified by the time they arrive. About the same time, I get food baskets containing highly processed food and waxy chocolate candies (heart attack inducers, I call them) by mail-order from several family members. I have never eaten this kind of food. I throw it all right in the trash.

It bothers me to be wasteful, but I don't want the stuff, and it's not suitable to give to a shelter. I have asked repeatedly that any gifts to me be donations to charities of their choice. It doesn't matter what I say; I keep getting stuff I don't want.

Any ideas how I can get my message across without being perceived as rude or ungrateful? -- PIQUED IN PALM DESERT

DEAR PIQUED: You have already gotten your message across. Your friend and family members have chosen to ignore it. Your name is probably part of a long list that is routinely submitted to these mail-order companies every year -- and removing it may take more effort than these people are willing to exert.

Even though you have never eaten "this kind of food," plenty of others do. Rather than letting it go to waste, offer it to friends, neighbors and co-workers. Don't just throw it away.

DEAR ABBY: I would like your advice on how to develop a "thick skin." I volunteer at a retail store for a local nonprofit organization. A nasty customer recently came in and yelled at me and insulted me in front of other customers. I was so upset I left the store in tears. The incident happened several days ago, and I am still upset.

I know this person does not know me, and with luck I'll never see him again, yet I can't seem to let it go. This isn't the first time I have felt this way, as I tend to take things very personally.

I am always impressed by people who can shrug off rude or confrontational remarks. Is it possible to learn to be less sensitive? --- TOO WIMPY IN TEXAS

DEAR "TOO WIMPY": Yes, it is. The first step is to stop calling yourself names. The second is to accept that sometimes unpleasant incidents occur because (1) the other person is having a bad day, or (2) the other person has no class and feels entitled to dump on anyone he or she feels is in a subservient position.

This has nothing to do with you, your efficiency, or your value as a human being. It is only about "them" and their inadequacy. Once you understand that, you'll be less vulnerable.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my wife a little over two years ago and have met a beautiful lady who lost her husband around the same time. We've been dating a lot lately, and we don't see anyone else. We love each other.

How should I introduce her to people? Should I say, "This is my girlfriend"? or should I say, "This is my ladyfriend"? I am in my 60s. -- JOE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR JOE: I have a third alternative. Say, "This is my special friend." People will quickly catch on to the fact that you are sweet on each other. People who are in love usually radiate that fact.

DEAR READERS: I have joined some of Hollywood's biggest names in the fight against breast cancer by signing and decorating one of Munchkin's limited-edition pink ducks to be auctioned on eBay.

"Don't Duck a Breast Exam" is the theme of this year's Project Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign. One hundred percent of the net proceeds will be donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure for each pink duck sold through Nov. 30.

If you want to see and bid on "D'Abby Duck," my personally decorated rubber duckie, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.munchkin.com/projectpink" ��www.munchkin.com/projectpink� through Nov. 5 and take a "quack" at it! Together we can make a difference. -- LOVE, ABBY

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Polite Visitor in Missouri" (Aug. 25), the minister who asked about the etiquette involved in pastoral visiting. I have been a Lutheran pastor for 33 years. This topic should have been covered while the writer was in seminary, but perhaps "Polite" missed class that day.

A coffee hour/social hour is an impossible time to get to know people. "Polite" needs to understand that these visits are not social calls; they are part of his or her job, just like being a doctor, financial adviser, etc.

Allow me to offer a suggestion for "Polite": Invite members of the congregation to sign up if they're open to a visit. The visit does not have to be at their home. Meeting people for lunch at their workplace puts a time limit on it and allows the pastor to become aware of other aspects of their lives. -- JOHN BACKE, DENVER

DEAR JOHN: Thank you for the suggestion. My readers did not hesitate to offer chapter and verse on this subject, as you will see. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although I don't completely disagree with the response you gave to the minister in Missouri, I want to tell you there are some nuances around being a pastor that factor into this decision.

Being a pastor is different from being a co-worker, friend or boss. When we arrive as a pastor of a church, we are almost immediately thought of as part of the family. We are called in times of crisis and celebration, and we come into people's homes when others aren't invited.

I recognize that not everyone will be comfortable inviting me into their home, but for those who would like to get to know me better (and allow me to get to know them), I prefer to visit with them one-on-one. That way, the first time I am called is not when they are in crisis, and there is a more relaxed atmosphere. For anyone else, I make myself available at my home or the church. -- GREGG SEALY, HOQUIAM, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: Our rabbi has started a sort of random "lucky winner" approach to meeting members of our temple. After the sermon, he will issue an invitation to "anyone born in the month of July" or "anyone wearing green today" -- or any number of other ways of selecting people at random. These people, who are bound to be different each week, are invited to join him following the service for a short meet, greet and chat. In this way, he can interact with small groups, and everyone gets to know each other. -- RIVKA L., ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been a pastor for several years. Moving to a new congregation is always difficult and getting acquainted can be daunting. His solution is to get a pictorial church directory, if one is available, and study the names and faces so he can match them correctly when he meets church members.

This has worked well in both small and large churches. Parishioners appreciate being recognized by name -- and sometimes invite both of us to dinner. -- K.A. REENTS, BLOOMINGTON, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: In the church where I belong, there are cards in the pews for people to fill out. The minister can then call on those who wish to meet, and nobody feels put upon. -- IDAHO ABBY FAN

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old man, and I think I have found what I want to do with the rest of my life. There's just one thing: It's not the typical male career. I want to work in a beauty salon as a stylist.

What's holding me back is I'm afraid people will think I'm gay. I have nothing against gay folks, but I am strictly heterosexual.

I have always been told that I'm good-looking, and the fact that I am artistic will also be a plus. I think I could make a lot of money in this field.

Please advise me how to get over this hurdle. -- FUTURE HAIRSTYLIST? IN N.Y.

DEAR FUTURE HAIRSTYLIST?: You have chosen a fertile field of endeavor, one that provides opportunity, portability and the possibility of steady work. While it is true that there are many gay men in the field of hairdressing, there have been over the years some very successful -- and famous -- heterosexuals. Examples: Vidal Sassoon, Jon Peters, Jay Sebring, Gene Shacove and, more recently, Jonathan Antin, to name a few.

How you will be perceived should not be your primary consideration. You know who you are, and the fact that you are straight will get around. Speaking as someone who has spent many hours in beauty salons over the years, I can tell you firsthand that there are very few secrets.

DEAR ABBY: I am basically your average seventh-grader with divorced parents. My dad is about to get married again. I like my future stepmom, except for one thing. She never buckles her seat belt. She says it's uncomfortable, and she doesn't like it.

She recently moved here from Colombia, but that does not excuse her from obeying our laws. I don't know what to do. My dad tells her to buckle up, but she never does. What should I do? -- STRAPPED IN TIGHT

DEAR STRAPPED: Most adults hate being told they are wrong by a young person, so if I were you, I would use a light touch and two-pronged attack. The next time your father's fiancee refuses to buckle up, casually mention that the front passenger seat of an automobile is sometimes referred to as the "death seat" for a reason -- that people who have not fastened their seat belts have been known to go headfirst through the windshield. Then change the subject. (Example: "Oh! Did you see that cool red Corvette?")

Your father should also tell her privately that by refusing to buckle up, she's setting a poor example for his child.

DEAR ABBY: How do you stop someone from serving food you don't like? A woman I tutor was nice enough to make me a dish native to her country, and when she asked me if I liked it, I gave her a rave review (to spare her feelings). I really hated it, but now she thinks I love it, and she keeps making it for me.

How can I refuse without hurting her feelings? I don't want to continue to just accept it and have to throw it away. -- WASTING FOOD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WASTING FOOD: Try this: "You were so kind to make it, and I thank you. But as much as I like it, it doesn't like ME -- so I cannot accept it."

It's as close to the truth as you can get without being offensive, and should successfully discourage her from making it in the future.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)