DEAR ABBY: I am a single parent of a 16-year-old son I'll call "Joel." His father has always been a part of his life. Abby, my son was once a polite, respectful, hard-working young man. But over the past year, he has changed radically.

Joel now thinks of no one but himself and his girlfriend. He makes promises to do whatever he thinks will get him what he wants. Then he cuts classes with his girlfriend, chews tobacco at school, refuses to do his homework, and lies about his progress reports and report cards.

If he doesn't get his way, he becomes very aggressive. He recently put his fist through a picture and the wall. There are two knuckle indentations in my front door that he put there. I take him to a counselor for his aggression, but it isn't working.

He is over 6 feet tall and weighs more than 200 pounds. He is the only male in my household. His father is having the same problems with him that I am. All he wants to do is spend time with his girlfriend. He will stay with whichever parent allows him to be with her or stay on the phone with her.

Joel was involved in baseball since the age of 5. He no longer cares to play. This was a sudden change of heart for him. I had him drug-tested without his knowledge. He was clean. I am at my wits' end. I am now on anti-depressants. I was never like that before he became so aggressive.

His father and I have discussed putting Joel in a teenage camp for juveniles. He's not a bad kid. I just don't know what to do anymore. Restrictions, no phone calls, no cell phone, no TV, not going out to eat, no seeing his girlfriend outside of school -- none of these things have worked. I've tried making him get a job, but he refuses. Please help me. -- NOWHERE TO TURN IN FLORIDA

DEAR NOWHERE TO TURN: Send your son away only as a last resort. It appears his hormones have kicked in, and if I had to make a wild guess, I'd say he's sleeping with the girlfriend.

Reasoning with him, punishing him and taking him to a counselor haven't worked, so be prepared to get tough. The next time he threatens you and destroys your property -- and that's what putting a fist through a wall is -- call the police and let them handle him.

There is a support group for parents of hard-to-handle children, and your son qualifies. The group is called BILY (Because I Love You). Contact it through its Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.bily.org" ��www.bily.org�, or at P.O. Box 2062, Winnetka, CA 91396, and tell them I sent you.

DEAR ABBY: I have many male friends whom I regard as "just friends." But from time to time, one of them sees me in a different light.

What's the best way to politely turn down a date and still maintain a guy's friendship? -- JUST FRIENDS IN HAWAII

DEAR JUST FRIENDS: The mistake many women make in telling men they are not romantically interested in them is soft-pedaling the message in an effort to be kind.

My male readers have told me that in the long run it's kinder -- and less a waste of everyone's time -- to say straight out, "I like you as a friend, but I don't want to date you." Or to put it another way, "I like and respect you, but the chemistry isn't there."

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DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old son, "Jason," told me yesterday about a letter he had received from his grandmother. In it she complained that she's embarrassed by his having fathered a child out of wedlock and said the situation is "very difficult" for her. She is deeply religious, but known for her affinity for gossip.

Our younger son, "Connor," spent last summer in jail for stealing from us and possession of a controlled substance, but he did not receive a similar letter.

Although I would have preferred that Jason and his girlfriend had taken more time to build their relationship and marry before adding a baby to the family, they are very happy about the impending arrival, and he has purchased a beautiful ring. I don't think my mother-in-law's attempt to shame him into marriage would make a solid foundation for their relationship, nor does a guilt trip make a healthy honeymoon getaway.

My husband, in a rare flash of wisdom, suggested (but not to his mother) that if the situation is too "difficult" for her, perhaps she ought not talk about it.

Should I tell this woman that if she can't be supportive, she should keep a respectful distance? Or should I let Jason and his father deal with her? I am too upset by her behavior in general to separate this issue from her usual judgmental, self-righteous and gossipy nature, and would like never to speak to her again, but I'm sure that's not a constructive solution to the problem. Thank you for your insight. -- IRATE IN NEW YORK

DEAR IRATE: Let's view the situation from your mother-in-law's point of view for a moment. Being "deeply religious," it follows that she believes sex outside marriage is wrong, and the baby is "proof" that her grandson had sex -- unprotected, yet! -- with his girlfriend. Being the town gossip, she realizes that others are talking, and she feels it reflects somehow upon her. From a "contemporary" point of view, having a baby without being married is no longer the shock and disgrace that it was when your mother-in-law was a girl.

Because you are angry, it would be better to let your son and your husband tell her to calm down. And, specifically, your husband should share his "flash of wisdom" with his mother. The fact that your younger son did not receive a similar letter from his grandmother is a reflection of her skewed sense of priorities.

DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My sister keeps telling me not to use a lot of water because in the future my great-grandchildren are not going to have enough water. Now I feel like I should never have sex because I do not want my great-grandchildren to suffer.

Yeah, I know I am only 13, and I am already thinking about my children. Should I just forget it or never have children? Please, I need your help! -- WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE, ROCKFORD, TENN.

DEAR WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE: You may be only 13, but it is wonderful that you are already thinking about how to make the world a better place for your children. What you should NOT be obsessing about at your age is having sex.

How much more constructive it would be to focus your intellectual energies on discovering new ways to create potable drinking water. (We need more women in the sciences!) As to our natural resources in the meantime, use what you need, but don't be wasteful. Let your conscience be your guide.

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DEAR ABBY: I know I should be telling the world how lucky I am and I should be happy, but I'm miserable. I am a 30-something mother of two, recently divorced.

I have started dating my husband's polar opposite. My ex was an alcoholic. He was in trouble with the law and could not earn a living to save his life. I not only supported us, but shouldered all the responsibility for our home and our children while he led his own life with his drinking buddies. But that is in the past.

Today I am seeing "Gary." We have been dating nine months. Gary treats me like a queen and is fabulous with my children. I think he worships the ground I walk on. He's loving, affectionate, generous and caring.

So why am I complaining? Because he is ALWAYS HERE. He never leaves! Yes, I get to work all day and he stops in only a few times a day, but the minute I am done, he is at my door. He usually has dinner with me or wants to take us out, so I have a hard time saying no.

He respects the fact that he can't spend the night in front of my kids, but he stays until they are asleep, so the only time I have to myself is when I'm sleeping. He spends every waking hour with me and comes with me wherever I go.

Gary jumps in and pays for everything before I can even pull my wallet from my purse. I feel crazy for complaining, but it makes me feel so indebted. I also feel stalked, controlled and burdened. Am I just being selfish? Is there a way to train myself to like to be spoiled? Help! -- SMOTHERED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SMOTHERED: You are not being selfish. You were starving for certain things in your marriage to your ex and have overcorrected in this new relationship. Please don't think you are the only person to do this. It happens quite often.

You are about eight months overdue for a frank and honest discussion with Gary about the personal space you need. You are still healing from a dysfunctional marriage, and he appears to be so smitten -- or insecure -- that he's preventing you from figuring out where you end and he begins. It would be interesting to know what baggage this man is carrying.

Please, I urge you, set some clear boundaries before you become so upset with him that you "toss the baby out with the bathwater."

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Logan," recently started at a new school, and we are getting calls requesting play dates. So far, I have responded by offering to host, but eventually I will have to decide if I feel comfortable letting my son go to a home I'm not familiar with.

I feel strongly that Logan should not go to a home where the parents -- or children -- own guns. How do I ask the question without passing judgment? I respect my neighbors' right to own a firearm and don't wish to challenge their choice, but I simply cannot in good conscience allow my son to play in a home with a gun. -- ATLANTA MOM

DEAR ATLANTA MOM: Here's how to handle it. When your son is invited for a play date, say: "He'd love to come. But before I agree, I have a few questions: Who will be supervising the children? Are there any guns in the house? Do you plan on taking the children anywhere else?" They're all legitimate questions, and you don't come across as judgmental. As a parent you have a right to know.

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