DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old son, "Jason," told me yesterday about a letter he had received from his grandmother. In it she complained that she's embarrassed by his having fathered a child out of wedlock and said the situation is "very difficult" for her. She is deeply religious, but known for her affinity for gossip.

Our younger son, "Connor," spent last summer in jail for stealing from us and possession of a controlled substance, but he did not receive a similar letter.

Although I would have preferred that Jason and his girlfriend had taken more time to build their relationship and marry before adding a baby to the family, they are very happy about the impending arrival, and he has purchased a beautiful ring. I don't think my mother-in-law's attempt to shame him into marriage would make a solid foundation for their relationship, nor does a guilt trip make a healthy honeymoon getaway.

My husband, in a rare flash of wisdom, suggested (but not to his mother) that if the situation is too "difficult" for her, perhaps she ought not talk about it.

Should I tell this woman that if she can't be supportive, she should keep a respectful distance? Or should I let Jason and his father deal with her? I am too upset by her behavior in general to separate this issue from her usual judgmental, self-righteous and gossipy nature, and would like never to speak to her again, but I'm sure that's not a constructive solution to the problem. Thank you for your insight. -- IRATE IN NEW YORK

DEAR IRATE: Let's view the situation from your mother-in-law's point of view for a moment. Being "deeply religious," it follows that she believes sex outside marriage is wrong, and the baby is "proof" that her grandson had sex -- unprotected, yet! -- with his girlfriend. Being the town gossip, she realizes that others are talking, and she feels it reflects somehow upon her. From a "contemporary" point of view, having a baby without being married is no longer the shock and disgrace that it was when your mother-in-law was a girl.

Because you are angry, it would be better to let your son and your husband tell her to calm down. And, specifically, your husband should share his "flash of wisdom" with his mother. The fact that your younger son did not receive a similar letter from his grandmother is a reflection of her skewed sense of priorities.

DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My sister keeps telling me not to use a lot of water because in the future my great-grandchildren are not going to have enough water. Now I feel like I should never have sex because I do not want my great-grandchildren to suffer.

Yeah, I know I am only 13, and I am already thinking about my children. Should I just forget it or never have children? Please, I need your help! -- WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE, ROCKFORD, TENN.

DEAR WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE: You may be only 13, but it is wonderful that you are already thinking about how to make the world a better place for your children. What you should NOT be obsessing about at your age is having sex.

How much more constructive it would be to focus your intellectual energies on discovering new ways to create potable drinking water. (We need more women in the sciences!) As to our natural resources in the meantime, use what you need, but don't be wasteful. Let your conscience be your guide.

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DEAR ABBY: I know I should be telling the world how lucky I am and I should be happy, but I'm miserable. I am a 30-something mother of two, recently divorced.

I have started dating my husband's polar opposite. My ex was an alcoholic. He was in trouble with the law and could not earn a living to save his life. I not only supported us, but shouldered all the responsibility for our home and our children while he led his own life with his drinking buddies. But that is in the past.

Today I am seeing "Gary." We have been dating nine months. Gary treats me like a queen and is fabulous with my children. I think he worships the ground I walk on. He's loving, affectionate, generous and caring.

So why am I complaining? Because he is ALWAYS HERE. He never leaves! Yes, I get to work all day and he stops in only a few times a day, but the minute I am done, he is at my door. He usually has dinner with me or wants to take us out, so I have a hard time saying no.

He respects the fact that he can't spend the night in front of my kids, but he stays until they are asleep, so the only time I have to myself is when I'm sleeping. He spends every waking hour with me and comes with me wherever I go.

Gary jumps in and pays for everything before I can even pull my wallet from my purse. I feel crazy for complaining, but it makes me feel so indebted. I also feel stalked, controlled and burdened. Am I just being selfish? Is there a way to train myself to like to be spoiled? Help! -- SMOTHERED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SMOTHERED: You are not being selfish. You were starving for certain things in your marriage to your ex and have overcorrected in this new relationship. Please don't think you are the only person to do this. It happens quite often.

You are about eight months overdue for a frank and honest discussion with Gary about the personal space you need. You are still healing from a dysfunctional marriage, and he appears to be so smitten -- or insecure -- that he's preventing you from figuring out where you end and he begins. It would be interesting to know what baggage this man is carrying.

Please, I urge you, set some clear boundaries before you become so upset with him that you "toss the baby out with the bathwater."

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Logan," recently started at a new school, and we are getting calls requesting play dates. So far, I have responded by offering to host, but eventually I will have to decide if I feel comfortable letting my son go to a home I'm not familiar with.

I feel strongly that Logan should not go to a home where the parents -- or children -- own guns. How do I ask the question without passing judgment? I respect my neighbors' right to own a firearm and don't wish to challenge their choice, but I simply cannot in good conscience allow my son to play in a home with a gun. -- ATLANTA MOM

DEAR ATLANTA MOM: Here's how to handle it. When your son is invited for a play date, say: "He'd love to come. But before I agree, I have a few questions: Who will be supervising the children? Are there any guns in the house? Do you plan on taking the children anywhere else?" They're all legitimate questions, and you don't come across as judgmental. As a parent you have a right to know.

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DEAR ABBY: After reading your response to "Desperate Mom in Miami" (Aug. 10), who was being married and wasn't sure if she should take her 4-year-old son on her honeymoon because she was afraid he'd be traumatized if he was left for 12 days, I have to respond. Of course he will be traumatized if his mother leaves him for that long!

"Desperate" has been living with this man since her child was 6 months old. They have already had their honeymoon, so they should go away for only the weekend without her son. Come on, Abby, it's an impressionable 4-year-old -- not an older child! -- T.C. IN WADSWORTH, OHIO

DEAR T.C.: I stand by my reply. While I did find it curious that "Desperate" had planned a 12-day honeymoon and then was uncomfortable about leaving her son with her mother and the boy's father, by age 4 children tend to be somewhat independent. The honeymoon will present the perfect opportunity for her son to get used to having other people around him. Other mothers with similar experiences offered helpful suggestions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were spot-on in your advice to "Desperate Mom." Her separation anxiety (and that of her son) will be lessened with a little advance planning. She should buy some children's books, record herself reading them, and leave them with the boy's caregivers to listen to each night before bed.

She should also get some little cars or other low-cost toys, wrap them, and have Grandma and Daddy reward the boy's "grown-up behavior" at the end of the day. A 30-minute calling card will allow her son to talk to Mommy for a short time every other day or in case of emergency. The mother should also send postcards to arrive while she's gone, praising him as a big boy and closing with, "See you soon." -- SANDY IN CIRCLE PINES, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently married, and a 5-year-old daughter was part of the package. We took our honeymoon a couple of months later and explained to her what it was: a vacation for two people to take when they get married -- and children don't come. Period. We told her we would call to say hi and bring back a small gift.

She understood completely and was excited to spend extra time with my husband's mother and sister. She would not have enjoyed the trip we were taking, and I'll bet "Desperate's" son would feel the same way. Honeymoons are not for kids -- both for their sakes and the parents'. -- THE STEPMOM

DEAR ABBY: When I married for the second time, I had four children whom I left at home with my mother. Before I left, I assembled a goody bag for each of them -- one for each day I would be gone. Inside I placed a short letter telling them where I was likely to be on that day, and some of the things I might be doing. I also included a few pieces of candy and a small toy.

Every night before they went to bed the kids would open their goody bags and find a treat from me. They looked forward to it, and were able to tell from the number of bags left how many more days I would be gone. They enjoyed their toys and treats, and their separation anxiety was greatly diminished. -- WORKED FOR ME IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Desperate Mom" was correct. The idea of children being "traumatized" by a disrupted schedule has gotten out of control.

My friend sheltered her two boys from almost everything. They're now 18 and 20, and not only have almost no coping skills, but are also fearful of any social situation. I believe too many parents use "traumatized" as an excuse to avoid dealing with normal situations when they arise, and it is a disservice to their children. -- MICHIGAN MOM

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