DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Wary in the West" (Aug. 10), the young girl who is apprehensive about having to room with her sister to accommodate a new exchange student the family is hosting.

My family has hosted several kids from Northern Ireland, and two years ago a young man from Brazil. He is now my best friend, and I will be going to Brazil for a month this winter.

Although I didn't have to give up my room, I felt the pressure of sharing a bathroom and my parents. But I wouldn't give up my experience for anything. "Wary" needs to be open and kind. It can be surprising how much exchange students already know about the United States and the world. Many of them also speak English well before they arrive and just need to practice it. "Wary" will come to regard her visitor as family and have the time of her life! -- MARINA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MARINA: Thank you for sharing your experiences. Hosting a foreign exchange student can be a rewarding adventure -- as long as the logistics are worked out in advance. This is a program with great worth and appeal in our modern, diverse, "global" world, as the following readers attest:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was forced to compromise when an exchange student came to stay. Because we did not have an extra bedroom, I had to trade with my brother and share with "Helga." Yes, the year was trying at times -- she and I were very different, but the result of her stay has been a 25-year friendship. Our families are very close, and we go back and forth to Norway often. She and her children also come here.

"Wary" may be surprised with the result of hosting an exchange student. If she is open-minded, a whole new world will reveal itself to her. I know I never would have guessed that Norway would someday feel like my second home. -- THANKFUL IN EDGEWATER, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: During the summer of 1975, while I was home from college, my parents hosted two boys from Japan. When I returned to school for my senior year, I looked for elective courses to round out my schedule and noticed classes in Japanese language, history and literature. I signed up for all three. (I had been fascinated by the handwriting of the two students and wanted to learn it.)

While I was practicing in the language lab, I met a female student from Japan who was studying Spanish, as I had previously done. We agreed to tutor each other, which led to dating, which eventually led to marriage and two wonderful sons. During the summer we celebrated our 28th anniversary. -- JEFF IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have hosted students three times. They have all been wonderful experiences, and my children love doing it. Having a foreign daughter/sister has been rewarding and memorable for everyone in our family as well as for each of the visiting students.

Since it is such a major undertaking, the adjustments and changes to be made must be discussed by all family members. The teenagers are coming from another culture, leaving behind their own friends and families. They need to know that the host family wants to share everything with them, as well as learn from them. -- FOREIGN EXCHANGE FAN

DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of six. In the early '60s, my parents hosted two teen boys from Mexico City for two months. They had so much fun the first year, they returned for two more winters. All six of us spent at least one summer in Mexico. This exchange has enriched our lives. We are still in contact with our Mexican brothers and sister.

My husband and I have befriended many foreign students and families, and have been hosted in Norway, Germany, Japan, Spain, France and Turkey. If "Wary" embraces the experience, it will bring her great joy. In this shrinking world, understanding other cultures and languages is critical. -- PAT IN TUCSON

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married three times. The first time we were both too young. My second marriage was a stupid mistake. Now I have a wonderful husband, but I feel like something is missing in our relationship.

The biggest problem we seem to have is sex. He is a normal male who wants to make love to his wife. Then there is me, never wanting sex. There's a six-year age difference between us -- he's younger.

I had a hysterectomy seven years ago. Since then, my doctor and I have been working together to get me back in the groove. Nothing has worked. It has driven a wedge into our marriage.

I turned to my girlfriend for advice and comfort through all of this arguing. Our friendship has grown, and I now find myself involved in a passionate sexual relationship with her. My husband has no idea about this. Have I just totally complicated my life, or have I found what has been missing? -- CONFUSED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONFUSED: If you're honest with yourself, I think you already know the answer to that question. Your friendship with your girlfriend did not start out as sexual, but rather evolved from a deep emotional connection. Look at the bright side. At least you finally understand what has been missing.

DEAR ABBY: I manage a small professional firm. It's a family-operated business, and one of my relatives, "Suzy," helps out by ordering our office supplies.

Suzy and I haven't had the best relationship in the past, but things have been good for the last few years.

For reasons unknown to me, Suzy began ordering microwave popcorn as an "office supply." Of course, the employees think this is wonderful. However, I am a little bothered -- not only by the fact that she has unilaterally decided that food products are "office supplies" (we're a law firm) but because I feel popcorn is very unprofessional food. The minute anyone walks into the office, the smell of popcorn wafts by. To me, this does not project a professional image to clients.

I feel I need to do something about this, but I know for certain that coming from me, this will offend Suzy given our history. She doesn't actually work in the office and has no understanding of office etiquette. Am I overreacting to the popcorn smell? Or is this truly unprofessional? I need a second opinion before I create any conflict. (By the way, I'm willing to offer some other treat in lieu of popcorn.) -- BELIEVES IN DECORUM, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR BELIEVES IN DECORUM: If you would be willing to substitute some other treat and call it an "office supply," your problem isn't the category the popcorn was placed in. It's with Suzy, for not having asked you first if it was permissible.

Many larger law firms than yours allow employees to snack on microwave popcorn, and it does not offend their clientele. (It may offend the neighbors if it's left in the microwave too long and the smoke alarms go off, however.) I doubt the clientele think twice about it -- as long as they're offered a share.

Unless you want to be the most unpopular person in the office, my advice is to let this go. Only if your bosses complain should you make an issue of it.

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DEAR ABBY: I recently began attending a private high school in Manhattan on scholarship. The commute can take two hours -- or more -- each way. In the beginning, I was willing to accept the challenge and make it work. However, as the long days continue, I'm wondering if it's worth it.

I don't seem to relate to any of my classmates and I'm not sure this school is right for me. Also, my relationship with my family has gotten worse since I started. I come home too tired to talk with them, and discussions about supplies usually result in fights ending in tears.

I don't think my parents are proud of me. Instead of encouragement and support, I am being yelled at for feeling the way I do. I know this school will create a bright future for me, but can it only come at the expense of the relationship with my family and my happiness? I go to school upset and miserable every day. Should I drop out? Or should I exchange happiness in my life now for success in the future? Please help. -- CONFUZZLED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFUZZLED: I'm not sure the answer is "either/or." Let me take your concerns one at a time.

Obviously the challenges brought about by this new school have required certain lifestyle changes for you. Perhaps a few more could be beneficial. Specifically, if the commute to and from school is too tiring, have you considered taking a 45-minute nap when you return home? Many people find that a nap renews their energy. Also, the trip could provide you with valuable study time. If that isn't feasible, then perhaps you and your family could agree that weeknights aren't a workable time for the level of communication you would like, and make an extra effort to be together on weekends.

You say that discussions about school supplies are so stressful they end in fights and tears. Is it possible that there is a special fund at school to help scholarship students with school supplies? The way to find out would be to schedule a session with your counselor and ask. And while you're at it, ask if there's a way for all the scholarship students to meet and get to know each other. If they feel as isolated as you do -- and they may -- perhaps you could form a support group.

The only reason to drop out and forgo an opportunity like the one you have been given is if you have exhausted every other option. You should not have to exchange happiness for success, but happiness can be fleeting and the lessons you are learning at this school are not all inside the classroom.

DEAR ABBY: My wife eats cookies and crackers in bed. When I ask her not to, she tells me it's her bed too, and says I can't tell her what to do. In the meantime, I have to sleep amid the crumbs.

Am I being bossy or is she being inconsiderate? If I'm bossy, please help me understand. If she's inconsiderate, how do I make her understand? -- THE COOKIE MONSTER'S HUSBAND

DEAR HUSBAND: You are not being bossy. Your wife is being stubborn and inconsiderate. You cannot make her "understand" if she refuses to. So, if you love her, either brush the crumbs back to her side of the bed or invest in a hand vacuum.

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