DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years but can't recall this topic ever being mentioned. I'm surprised, as it must occur frequently in today's society.

I am a 64-year-old male who was married to a woman I'll call "Myrtle" at age 19 in 1962. We raised our four children and divorced after 25 years of marriage. The divorce was brutal and vicious. Afterward, I moved on with my life. I remarried in 1991; Myrtle never remarried.

Well, Myrtle died. The children invited me and my wife, "Peggy," to the funeral. To my surprise, Peggy said we should go and "be there for the kids." However, I told my children I would not feel comfortable being there and would send flowers instead. I know my children were disappointed and wanted Peggy and me there, as they were kind of persistent. I did have second thoughts about it and guilt set in, but I stayed with my decision.

Now that it's all over, I have this feeling that maybe I made a mistake and appeared to be selfish, uncaring or whatever. Do you think I should send them a card or letter asking forgiveness, or just leave it alone, as apparently they have accepted it? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: People attend funerals for two reasons: to pay respects to the deceased, and to offer comfort and support to the grieving survivors. For the latter reason you should have put aside your anger and bitterness and attended Myrtle's funeral.

By all means write your children and apologize for not being there for them when they asked you to be. Then hope they will be more forgiving than you have been.

DEAR ABBY: I have had a friend for about a year and a half I'll call "April." Within three months of the time April and I met, she asked to borrow money from me. I didn't have it, so I got a payday loan for her. I felt I could trust her to repay me -- and she did.

Some weeks later, April was again in a desperate situation, so I did it again -- although I did not give her as much as she asked for. She didn't appear to believe me when I said that's all they'd give me.

April is also borrowing money from these payday loan places. Her husband doesn't know about it or their financial situation. She's behind in all their bills and is receiving disconnect and overdraft notices left and right. She also continues to ask me for money.

I have bills and am behind in some of them myself. This situation is making me very uncomfortable. I know if I asked April for money, she would not do for me what I have done for her. I have tried to refuse her, but she won't take no for an answer. She always has a reason why I should that trumps my excuse.

I hate to lose the friendship. When money isn't mentioned, April and I have the best time. What should I do? My therapist moved to Oregon. Please help me! -- THE GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY NO IN OHIO

DEAR GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY NO: What you have described isn't a friendship. You are being milked for the cash cow that you have allowed yourself to become.

April may be entertaining "when money isn't mentioned," but how often is that? For your own mental and financial health, you must draw the line. And if April refuses to respect it -- as I am sure she will -- then you will have to end the relationship. Period!

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DEAR ABBY: I am close friends with a couple I'll call "Angie" and "Gil." I met them at the same time and have always been unattached while they are a married couple. This didn't matter, and we hit it off right away.

The problem is, when Angie gets mad at Gil for whatever reason, she wants me to be mad, too. She thinks I should take sides, and this makes me uncomfortable because they are both my friends. Gil has never asked me to take sides with him.

Angie has gone so far as to request that I ignore any attempts by Gil to contact me if they are fighting. (He never does.) I feel bad for him and like I am betraying a friend by agreeing to do as she asks. I don't know how to explain to her that as they are both my friends, I would rather be left out of their arguments and not have to choose sides.

Am I wrong to be friends with a couple? Is this inviting trouble because I am single? -- EXASPERATED IN IOWA

DEAR EXASPERATED: There is nothing wrong with a single person being friendly with a married couple. It is only "inviting trouble" when one of them is as immature and controlling as Angie appears to be.

My advice is to put Angie on notice that you will not accept being drawn into their arguments -- and if she cannot respect the fact that you prefer to remain neutral, you will have to distance yourself from both of them.

DEAR ABBY: I work for an organization that allows nepotism. Many husband/wife/child combinations are employed here.

My supervisor is married to one of our deputy directors, and their son is also employed here. The son works in my department and is supervised by his dad. This person sleeps in his cubby, comes in late and leaves early. He is incompetent at answering the phone and has committed serious errors in working with clients. He has also told co-workers that he can't be fired because of who his mother and father are.

What's the best way to handle working within this situation? Does this violate any laws? -- JUST WONDERING IN WACO, TEXAS

DEAR JUST WONDERING: It violates the laws of common business sense. Many companies do not allow relatives of employees to be hired for the very reasons you have described. Because this young man's shortcomings are affecting clients, it is only a matter of time until it's reflected in the bottom line.

Since you are unhappy -- and with good reason -- look for other employment. The "ship" you're on now does not appear to be seaworthy.

DEAR ABBY: Please help settle an argument between my husband and me. We have been married for 24 years. When he drives and I am with him, he refuses to move the sun visor on his side to keep the sun out of my eyes. He says the visor will block his vision and he won't use it -- even for himself.

Why would the car manufacturer put in visors that could block the driver's vision? I think his argument is wrong.

I end up holding up a magazine or my hand to block the sun since sunglasses are not enough. My arm gets tired after a few minutes. I feel he is rude not to do this for me. What do you think? -- MAD IN MARYLAND

DEAR MAD: I think you should wear a hat with a wide brim and lots of sunscreen. A woman has to take care of herself.

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DEAR ABBY: It has recently come to my attention that my doctor was married for almost 20 years and divorced his wife to marry a much younger woman. I am upset over this because I feel he just threw her away after she had four children with him.

I don't know why I feel so strongly about it, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would do something like this. I find it hard to look him in the eye and trust his judgment about my health.

I have a serious medical test coming up that he will be performing. I don't know what to do. I just can't stop thinking about this. I feel so bad for his wife and grown children. Please help me. I don't dare talk to anyone about this. -- SHAKEN IN MAYNARD, MASS.

DEAR SHAKEN: There could be a couple of reasons why you're obsessing about what you heard. The first may be that you identify strongly with your doctor's wife and resent the idea that she could have been traded in for a newer model. And second, you are distracting yourself with gossip about his personal life rather than focusing on the seriousness of the test you're facing.

People's professional qualifications usually have little to do with the state of their love lives. A doctor, lawyer, veterinarian -- even a politician -- can be capable and effective in his (or her) job and still waver in the face of temptation. (Also, has it occurred to you that your doctor's wife may have divorced HIM because she found someone more emotionally fulfilling after the children were grown?)

For the sake of your health, please consider being less judgmental and concentrate on your own needs and prognosis. It doesn't take a saint to read an X-ray or analyze a biopsy -- it involves a different part of the brain than that which guides the impulses of the heart. If you cannot do that, then you should consult another doctor.

DEAR ABBY: Last Christmas I received a beautiful, yet inappropriate, gift from a relative by marriage. He gave me a curved diamond pendant. I don't know if it's real or if it's cubic zirconium. Either way, this type of pendant starts at around $99.

I do not have the same feelings for him that he does for me. Also, I don't think he knows me well enough to assume that this would be an appropriate gift. If he did know me, he would have known that it would make me uncomfortable.

I haven't spoken to him in person since Christmas, although he sometimes e-mails me. So maybe he has gotten the hint. The pendant is currently sitting in the box it came in and is in my desk drawer. I'm not sure if I should return it, keep it or sell it. -- OFFENDED IN WILDER, IDAHO

DEAR OFFENDED: I am having difficulty understanding why a gift so generous would be offensive. Clearly this relative (by marriage) wanted you to have something beautiful. The time to have returned the gift would have been immediately after you received it, with a note saying that you appreciated his generosity but could not accept it because you could not reciprocate in a similar fashion.

Because you obviously do not have warm feelings for this person, either give the item away or sell it. It is doing no one any good sitting in a drawer because of its unpleasant associations.

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