DEAR ABBY: In your July 4 column, "Twins' Mom in Bellevue, Wash." told about one of her 12-year-old daughters' wish to stop dressing like her twin sister and to be an individual. We also have twin daughters, now adults.

When they were very young, I pushed them in a double stroller around the area where we lived. There was a lady I met frequently, and we talked about their progress. She eventually told me she was a child psychologist and asked if she might give me some advice.

She told me that all twins, whether identical or not, should be given a chance to choose things separately -- the colors they wore, toys, etc. She also suggested separate classes at school when possible, different choices of friends and activities, and most important of all, for us to treat them as individuals, not a single entity.

At the age of 4, they went to preschool. Each went two days separately and a third day together. This gave each girl a chance to develop alone and also to have "time with Mom." In kindergarten they were in the same class, but had different teachers. In elementary school they were in separate classes for the most part.

They chose to dress differently, if only by color. They were not in the same homeroom in middle school, but had a class or two together. Many fellow students had no idea they were twins unless they were especially close to the girls.

By high school, they were distinct individuals, and at times competitive with each other. They did not share friends. One of my girls went on to college in Washington state, the other in Southern California. One is now a successful businesswoman; the other is a former graphic artist who is married, raising a son and helping with her husband's business. The twins are now closer than they were as children.

I think we did the right thing, thanks to that friendly neighbor. The twins in your column should have been given separate choices long before the age of 12, but it isn't too late. -- JANE IN CARMEL VALLEY, CALIF.

DEAR JANE: Thank you for sharing your family's story with my readers. The responses I have received emphasize that the experience of being a twin can be as different as their looks are similar. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: How appropriate to see the letter about identical twins on the anniversary of the birthday of your dear mother and aunt!

I am also an identical twin. My brother and I are now 57. As with individuals, each set of twins is unique. Some celebrate their twinness, some seek more individuality, some go back and forth, and some don't agree. The solution is to allow each set of twins to find the balance that is right for them.

When we were growing up, our mother wisely permitted us to have some matching outfits, but also some that did not match. On any given day, we could choose to dress identically or either one of us could make the decision to be distinct simply by selecting a non-matching outfit.

Today, we live in different cities, with very different careers, but get together or at least speak by phone frequently and consider ourselves quite close. -- DOUGLAS, BROTHER OF DENNIS

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old identical twin. Let me make something clear to everyone: Twins are not the same person! Just because we look alike doesn't mean we have the same feelings and personalities.

My parents have always dressed us differently. We have never worn our hair the same way, and we are in different classes and schools. We barely know each other's friends. I have never set foot inside her middle school -- and yet we remain extremely close. Please encourage your twins to be individuals! -- UNIQUE TWIN IN COLORADO

DEAR ABBY: "Twins' Mom" should realize that if she weren't buying the twins matching outfits, the issues of dressing differently would not exist! -- MARY H., A FAITHFUL READER

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a young mother who is stuck at a fork in the road. Whichever path I choose will lead to guilt and regret.

I love my son more than anything, like any mother does, but he always wants to be at his father's house -- no matter what. My son asks me four times a day -- or more -- when he will return to his father's house. I feel as though he wants his father more than me. His father tells me he has to force our son to return to my house.

Abby, I have done nothing but pour sweat and love into my son. I have done everything a 20-year-old can do to raise my boy.

My problem is, my father works for a college, and I can attend for free. But it's 840 miles away. Custody has never been established between my son's father and me, and he does not want my son to go with me. My son does not want to come, either.

I have never been to college. I work for $8 an hour and have been for three years. The thought of leaving my son kills me. I want to take this opportunity, but at the same time I wonder if I should just stay with my job and be near my son. I cry over this every day. Please help me decide. -- TORN IN COLORADO

DEAR TORN: I'm glad to help. You should definitely take the opportunity to complete your education, which will help you to better provide for yourself and your child in the future.

However, before you go, I strongly recommend that you discuss the situation with an attorney who specializes in family law. I don't know what has been going on in your house -- or your child's father's house -- that has biased the boy the way it appears he has been. But a custody arrangement should absolutely be worked out before you leave, and it may take a judge to decide what would be appropriate. I can't do it for you via long distance.

DEAR ABBY: I met this guy a while ago, and we started hanging out and having sex. We introduced our kids to each other, I met his family, and we have been together ever since.

The problem is, he's now saying that we are just friends with benefits. It hurts to hear that. He told me in the beginning that he was looking for a serious relationship. I don't know how to deal with this because I have fallen for him. I have turned other guys away because I believed we had an exclusive relationship.

Please tell me what to do. Should I find someone who wants me for me -- and more than a friend with benefits? Or should I wait it out and see what happens? -- LOST FOR WORDS IN LIMA, OHIO

DEAR LOST FOR WORDS: The "guy" you've been seeing is not ready or willing to turn in his bachelor button for a boutonniere. He may also be commitment-phobic. Although it is painful, be grateful he was honest about it.

The time has come to tell him that being a "friend with benefits" was not what you signed on for -- and goodbye. You should definitely look for someone who wants what you do in a relationship. And because it can take time to find, start now. Waiting it out with this "guy" would be a waste of time.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Why do I keep meeting married men? I need a single or widowed man. If they're not married, they are too old! I am a wonderful widow. However, I am attracted to married men. Any remedies for me? Help! -- THE WIDOW QUEEN IN N.Y.C.

DEAR WIDOW QUEEN: It might help if you stop identifying yourself as royalty. You didn't mention your age, but if you are over 50, part of the problem may be that most men in your demographic are already coupled up, which narrows your field of available candidates. It is also possible that, for whatever reason, you are still not emotionally ready to give yourself completely to anyone, which is why you find unavailable men more attractive.

Some ways to widen your circle would be to join a singles group, become politically active, and/or venture onto the Internet and join some of the popular match-making sites where you can meet men who are eligible and looking for partners. Of course, that will mean learning current Internet dating etiquette and remembering what it was like when people used to meet in nightclubs. (As I recall, you couldn't necessarily believe everything you were told then, either.) I personally know several couples who met on the Internet and are happily married. Good luck, and good hunting.

DEAR ABBY: In 2002, my brother "John" was arrested for sex crimes against his stepdaughters. He's in prison until 2010 at the most. I have refused contact and have disowned him. John is now my parents' son. The only thing I feel toward him is hate.

I am a survivor of molestation myself. My parents can't understand my feelings. Mom is mad at the whole family because no one will take him in so he can be paroled. They live in Florida, and according to the prison review board, their address was denied by the state of Florida.

I have tried to make my mother realize that my feelings are mine. I don't tell her not to love John, so she shouldn't try to make me love him. He touched me inappropriately when we were young, but she wouldn't believe me. I know I am right -- or at least, I hope I am -- and I respect your opinion enough that I need to hear you say "yea" or "nay." Thank you. -- PRESSURED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR PRESSURED: Do not allow your mother to lay blame or guilt at your feet. It doesn't belong there. You are under no obligation to shelter the person who molested you as a child.

If your parents had believed you when you told them then, they might have gotten help for your brother while he was still young enough to receive it, and he wouldn't have acted out against his stepdaughters. Because they didn't he is where he is today, and it's where he belongs. You need me to tell you "yea"? Well, here it is: YEA!

DEAR ABBY: What do you say to someone who responds to an invitation with an endless recital of allergies, food and animal dislikes, physical problems, numerous needy relatives and their great lack of money? -- SORE EAR ANYWHERE

DEAR SORE EAR: You say, "I'm sorry you can't join us for the event. You'll be missed."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)