DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl with a big problem. My family consists of my mother, father, older brother, "Jared" (age 19), and younger brother, "Jonas" (age 11). So what's the problem? I have just learned there was another brother!

About a month ago, when my family was sitting down at dinner, we were talking about birth statistics. Out of nowhere, Jonas said, "A lot of infants die." My parents exchanged sad looks across the table, and my mom cried in her bedroom afterward.

I was so confused by this that Jared talked to me privately and told me. Apparently, Jonas was one of a set of twin boys. Jonas' twin was born prematurely and died. I believe Jared because he was 8 at the time and witnessed the whole thing. I doubt he would joke about something like this.

I think it's my right to know more about my third brother. I feel guilty that I don't even know his name. I have been keeping this knowledge a secret for more than a month now, and it's making me crazy. Should I ask my parents about him even though it will make them cry? -- BROTHER-DEPRIVED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR BROTHER-DEPRIVED: Of course it is your right to know about your third brother. However, let me caution you to proceed very gently. Obviously your mother's heart was broken, and this is something from which she may never completely recover. There also might not be much to tell -- other than how devastating the loss was to her and your father.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 32-year-old female who has been having an affair during the last year with my 59-year-old married boss. I am madly in love with him and divorced my husband eight months ago to marry him.

He promised to divorce his wife, but so far there is no sign of divorce. I'm beginning to think I'm a big fool. What do you think? -- HOT TO TROT IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR HOT TO TROT: I agree.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a library and have noticed an alarming trend. People are using their mail as bookmarks, often forgetting that it is there and returning the books. I can't tell you how many times I have found people's personal information in books that I reshelve.

Abby, please alert your readers that this practice of using mail to mark your library book is unsafe in this age of identity theft. If I don't find it first, anyone who takes the book after you and finds something you might have left there will have immediate access to your name and address. And if the mail is something sensitive, like a bill or bank statement, the dangers are even greater.

Please remind your readers that it's easy to forget, and mail is not an appropriate bookmark. -- JON IN FRAMINGHAM, MASS.

DEAR JON: Thank you for writing. I am printing your letter as a public service announcement. Readers, if you are guilty of this practice, be warned.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-something-year-old woman, single for four years, moving on with my life after the dissolution of a 24-year marriage. I am told I'm pretty. I'm in good shape, exercise regularly and take care of myself. Young men often hit on me.

My dilemma is that I find men in their 30s, 40s and 50s extremely hard to figure out. One minute they can't live without you, the next they want you to leave them alone and won't talk to you. What's the deal?

I dated one man (age 50) for eight months. He wined and dined me, said he loved me, even talked about marriage. We were close -- I thought. Our lives became very busy with work and kids, so we took a break for a while. When I tried to talk to him again, it was like there had never been any connection at all. He had lost all feeling, desire and passion. I still had it, but -- zip! -- his was gone. How does that happen?

I dated another guy who couldn't keep his hands off me. I ended it after a month because I was afraid he was going to try to make love to me in the middle of the restaurant.

Another man is very nice, but stiff. I can't get close to him at all.

I met a really interesting guy on the beach yesterday. He was around my age and took me out on his catamaran. I had a great time. He said afterward he'd be there the next day and to come to say hello. Well, he was there like he said, but when I went to say hello, he completely ignored me and walked in the other direction. Go figure.

Why can't I find a nice older man to settle down with, enjoy life and companionship with, and grow old with? I don't want to be alone, but it's really hard to find a compatible mate at this stage of life. Any suggestions? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Remember the old saying, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find Prince Charming"? Welcome back to the wonderful world of dating, which includes a lot of sifting.

Perhaps it's time to take a look at the signals you are sending out to men. Could they be catching a whiff of the scent of desperation? The most attractive women I know are those who are comfortable with themselves. Because they cultivate their own interests, they have the most to share.

My advice is to spend some time finding yourself. The dating scene has changed since you were in it the last time. Do not expect to find Mr. Right overnight. When you're finally comfortable being on your own is probably when Mr. Right will find you.

DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old nephew recently cut his finger. When the story was being told by my sister, she mentioned telling her daughter to get out one of the red towels.

"Red towel?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "I have four of them that I use only when the kids cut themselves. That way they don't see the blood, and the tears aren't as bad."

I thought that was brilliant! -- KURT N., MILWAUKEE

DEAR KURT: It certainly shows preplanning. And it makes sense to me, because a small child who has suffered a minor injury often cries more out of fear than pain.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The thing that comes to mind when I look at my friends is, "How much did you cut today?" It hurts my heart to know they do it. A couple of them do it on their legs. They wear pants in the summer so no one can see the nasty gashes and scars. My other friends do it on their arms and wear long-sleeved shirts or sweatshirts in 80-degree weather. It's scary knowing some of your closest friends do this.

I am only 14, and I am crying out for help. What can I say or do to make them stop? I feel like if I tell them, they'll feel bad and cut more, and I really don't know what to do. I don't think they realize how much this hurts not just them, but me. Please print this soon. -- FRIGHTENED AND WORRIED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FRIGHTENED: You are right to be worried about your friends. They are in serious trouble. Strange as it may seem, people who cut themselves do it to distract themselves from their emotional pain. Cutting is usually a symptom of a serious emotional problem, and often cutters need professional intervention to stop their compulsion.

One would think that a child's parents would recognize that something was wrong when the young person habitually wears clothing that is inappropriate for the season -- but apparently your friends' parents are too focused on something else to notice.

Your friends are sick, and they're not likely to listen to you at this point. That's why you must tell your parents what is going on, so they can tell the other adults that their children are in need of treatment -- and the sooner the better.

DEAR ABBY: I went to college for two years after high school and did not find one bit of enjoyment in anything I was studying. Now, at 23, I work in a business owned by a friend and do a bit of acting on the side, which I love.

My problem is that I am judged by people I hardly know for my career choices. I get questions like, "Have you gone back to school yet?" and "When are you planning to go back to school?"

I was recently outraged when a family friend asked me what my fiance does for a living (construction), and if he had finished college (he did not). Abby, this woman actually asked me why I was going to marry him!

What most people don't know is, I do plan to return to school and study architecture. However, I do not feel I should have to explain my every move to these people, especially when they obviously don't care about my feelings. Most of the time I give them a disgusted look and walk away, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm running away from them. What is a polite way of telling them that my decisions are none of their business? -- UNEDUCATED IN ONTARIO

DEAR "UNEDUCATED": Having a college degree is an asset, but no guarantee of success -- and people in the trades also can earn a very good living. (Just ask anyone who has tried to hire a plumber, electrician or someone to remodel a home.)

You are under no obligation to confide your career plans to anyone who asks. Just smile and say, "I'm planning on winning the lottery."

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)