DEAR ABBY: Say there's this guy who's about 30, who has a stepmother who is younger than he is. (She's 27.) They have a warm, happy, close, loving friendship -- nothing abnormal or unusual.

Then the father dies, having had no children with her. Is it wrong for the guy to develop a romantic interest in her? And what about her? Would it be wrong for her to take up with her former stepson?

I have never experienced a deeper, more romantic kind of love than I have with my former stepmom. Dad had himself a prize catch. She's built, pretty, understanding and a great cook -- and the way we've been going, we might be married sometime soon.

I just can't decide if it's right or wrong. What do you think? -- SMITTEN IN NORTH TEXAS

DEAR SMITTEN: What you have in mind is unusual but not unheard of. You are not her biological son, so there is no reason why you could not marry if you wish. In fact, it could work out very well since your feelings for each other evolved from an already-established friendship. I say, go for it -- but be prepared for some teasing.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I received a wedding invitation from my nephew's son, whom we have never gotten to know very well. Included in the invitation was a deposit slip to a bank savings account "in lieu of gifts"!

We later learned that everyone on the guest list received a deposit slip, even the grandmother. Is this proper? This is the first time we have ever heard of this, and frankly, we were rather insulted. -- PUZZLED IN COLORADO

DEAR PUZZLED: Please waste no more time feeling offended. The family who issued the wedding invitation is obviously grossly ignorant about the basic rules of etiquette. According to "Emily Post's Etiquette" (17th Edition), when issuing wedding invitations, "any mention of gifts or listing of gift registries is unacceptable."

I am sure you dealt with the solicitation you received as you would any other. Just be glad they didn't have your bank account number, or you would have found enclosed with your invitation a notice stating that your account had already been debited $125 to cover the cost of your dinner.

DEAR ABBY: I recently found a bottle of antidepressants in my parents' medicine cabinet, prescribed for my mother. I want to ask her why she has them, but I am afraid she might get angry. Is it rude to ask? If my mom does have depression, I would want to do everything I could to keep her happy. Should I ask her, or just forget about the pills? -- CONCERNED ABOUT MOM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONCERNED: If you ask your mother about the antidepressants, you had better be prepared to tell her why you were in her medicine cabinet. Indeed, she might feel invaded. Personally, I think you should refrain from asking. Obviously, your mother does have depression or the meds would not have been prescribed for her. However, I do like your idea of doing all you can to keep her happy.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed just one month shy of a year. Over the last three months, I have been seeing a lovely woman who was widowed for the second time. (It has been seven months since she lost her second husband.)

I have two granddaughters -- both 13 years of age -- and my daughters tell me they're asking why I'm seeing another woman and "it hasn't even been a year since Grandma died." Abby, is the year written in stone? Is there anything I can say to my granddaughters? They don't seem to understand that Muffin (my dog) isn't enough of a companion for me. -- TROUBLED IN NORTH HATFIELD, MASS.

DEAR TROUBLED: Nothing is written in stone except a person's epitaph. While it is advisable that recently widowed people wait a year before jumping into a serious relationship -- in other words, "rebound" -- it is not unusual for a widow or widower to begin having some sort of social life before the year has elapsed.

Ask your granddaughters if they would like to see you happy, or if they prefer to see you lonely. And if your wife died of an illness, remind them that people don't start grieving only when their mate dies. There is often a grieving period that begins when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness.

At 13, people see things in black and white. Unfortunately, life is often painted in shades of gray.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please answer a simple question I have that my father won't answer? I am a responsible 17-year-old young lady, but my dad believes that I am too young to start dating. With this in mind, he refuses to answer my question, which is, how much older than me can a young man be who I decide to bring home? My dad refuses to give me an age limit. He also doesn't believe that teenagers should be dating. He constantly asks if I have someone in mind, which I don't. I am just curious. Any suggestions? -- DATING DILEMMA IN NEW YORK

DEAR D.D.: I disagree with your father's views about teenage dating. While I am sure he wants to protect you from being emotionally hurt or taken advantage of, he is going about it in the wrong way.

The teen years are a time for learning and gaining experience. At 18, you will be considered an adult and capable of making your own decisions. I see nothing "safe" about a person with no experience beginning to date at 18 -- or older. In fact, I see it as the opposite.

As to what age the men you see should be, it's more important that they be at your level of life experience than any chronological number.

DEAR ABBY: I am a student at a big school, and around here you're always hearing how teenagers have this "special bond" with their parents. I don't want to go up to them and ask them how they do it, because that would be embarrassing. So I'm asking you: How can I form that special bond with my parents -- especially with my mom? -- DISTANCED IN FREDRICA, DEL.

DEAR DISTANCED: The special bond you long for isn't something that you "get" as a teenager. It is trust and communication that is nurtured from early childhood. Because you can't bring yourself to discuss it with your parents -- especially your mother -- you should talk about it with another adult relative you can trust or a counselor at school.

Your letter is a sad one because you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Many teens have written to me and described feeling isolated because their parents don't have the time or the will to engage them as they should.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Tim" for almost seven years. I have a male co-worker, "Chad," who is a good friend. Tim thinks that a man is friends with a woman only if he wants something from her. He says that Chad must be gay, sexually interested in me, or using me as a means to some end.

Quite frankly, I am hurt that Tim doesn't think I am interesting enough to be friends with and feels that I can be seen only in "that way." Chad has never once hit on me or given me the slightest reason to doubt his platonic feelings. He is also not gay.

How can I convince my husband that my friend is not trying to seduce me or use me? I have tried inviting Tim to hang out with us so he can get to know Chad better; he always declines. I'm at my wits' end because I dislike upsetting my husband, but I refuse to give up a good friend. -- PULLING MY HAIR OUT IN CAMBRIA, WIS.

DEAR PULLING: There is no way to convince your husband that your co-worker isn't trying to seduce or use you because that is the way your husband's mind works. In other words, when Tim says that men are friends with women only for what they can get, he is describing HIMSELF. And the reason he refuses to take the time to get to know Chad better is that by refusing, he is putting limits on the relationship and controlling you. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widow whose 43-year-old daughter is dating a 56-year-old man. They have both been married before and have children from prior marriages.

They have been discussing marriage. Is it unreasonable of me to expect my future son-in-law to ask me for my daughter's hand in marriage as a sign of respect and in the name of tradition? -- TRADITIONAL MOM-IN-LAW-TO-BE

DEAR TRADITIONAL: Yes, it is. Your daughter has long since reached the age at which she is entitled to decide for herself whether to give or withhold her hand -- or anything else. And the sooner you dismount from your high horse, the happier your relationship with your future son-in-law will be.

DEAR ABBY: I work at one of the nicer, upscale restaurants in our small community. We have been having an issue with groups or committees of anywhere from four to 15 people coming into the establishment to hold their meetings. These groups frequently arrive at normal evening dinner times and therefore take up a table, but the attendees don't order anything.

How can you politely tell these people that if they want to use our dining establishment, they should purchase something? Their behavior is just plain rude! The owner and many of the staff would like to be able to say something, but don't know how to phrase it without making these people angry. -- BAFFLED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR BAFFLED: Your problem should be handled by the manager of the restaurant. In many restaurants the minimum order per person is printed on the menu, and that is a policy you should institute. The next time the freeloaders come trooping in, the new policy should be pointed out to them.

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