DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a friend, "Will," who is 25. We've known him several years, and he has always been a very down-to-earth, pleasant, easygoing person. However, it has become apparent that Will is bipolar and is currently in the middle of an extreme manic episode that has lasted for about a month. He agreed to go to a doctor for evaluation, and was immediately put on lithium, which he is not taking regularly, if at all. He has refused further treatment.

While Will is not violent, he has had at least one car accident that probably gave him a concussion, and he has wandered aimlessly in the desert and city for days, barefoot in hot temperatures, which resulted in dehydration. Now he is getting worse. He thinks he is superhuman, and he's hearing voices.

We feel he needs 24-hour companionship and support. Whenever he is left alone, Will runs away and disappears -- although he eventually calls to be picked up. He has disappeared for up to a week at a time and has run away three times now. He has no sense of reality at this point. He thinks he has transcended to a new level of understanding and doesn't want to lose his new "insight." He also has personal issues with his parents, so he doesn't want to stay with them.

We are no longer able to take Will into our home because the last time we did it ended badly, and it's obvious he needs professional help that we are unable to provide. We're afraid if he doesn't get treatment, he will hurt himself. How can we help him? -- JENNY IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR JENNY: I took your question to Paul Fink, M.D., a past president of the American Psychiatric Association. After I read him your e-mail, he agreed that your friend is out of control, and your concerns are valid.

Will should be taken to an emergency room. You should inform them that he is suicidal and describe his car accident and days spent wandering in the desert. In order to save his life, he needs to be admitted to a 24-hour facility and medicated until he is calm and rational enough for release.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man I'll call "Alain" for 2 1/2 years. Both of us have a problem with alcohol.

I entered AA and have been sober for nearly a year. Alain hasn't entered AA, but (I thought) he hasn't had a drink in three years and regularly (I thought) takes Antabuse as an incentive not to drink.

He recently admitted to me that he is not consistent with the Antabuse, and that on a "free" evening he will drink a bottle of wine, hiding this from me and his children, who are very much afraid of his drinking again.

My AA friends are divided on what to do next. Both my parents were alcoholics, so I'm afraid to be with someone who isn't in the program. What do you recommend? -- NEEDS ADVICE IN VERMONT

DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: Follow your instincts. Because both of your parents were alcoholics, you know what that kind of marriage is like. Alain may be a "wonderful man," but he is neither honest nor committed to sobriety. Therefore, if you're looking for a lifetime partner, you need to look for someone who is also in the program.

To put it another way, there's a price to be paid for the choices we make. In this case, Alain's choice has been to continue drinking -- and it has cost him YOU.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 15 years old, and for 13 years I have known that I am adopted. My friend tells me that she thinks she has found my real mother -- that she goes to her church. I'm really confused.

I need to know the truth about my mom and dad, and even though I want a relationship, I think it's too late to try to pursue one with her. I love her, even though I don't know her.

My boyfriend tells me I should go and see her, but I'm nervous and confused all at the same time. I'm scared that I might get heartbroken, and I don't want that to happen. Abby, what should I do? Should I leave it the way it is, or try to pursue a relationship with her? -- IN MUCH PAIN IN NASHVILLE, N.C.

DEAR IN PAIN: First of all, I want you to know that all of the feelings you're experiencing -- the love, the yearning, the nervousness and fear of rejection -- are normal. It is natural for a child to want to know her parents and how she came to be adopted.

However, before you make any decisions about reaching out to this woman, you should discuss it with your family, which could help you avoid making a painful mistake. Because your friend "thinks" she has located your birth mother doesn't mean the woman is who the girl thinks she is.

It would be healthier for everyone concerned if your parents helped you to locate your birth mother at a time that is mutually agreeable. Most birth parents are as eager to be reunited with the children they placed for adoption as their offspring are.

DEAR ABBY: I hired a caregiver I'll call Annie to stay with my father while I work. When setting up Dad's pills for the coming week, I noticed that only one pill remained of one of his medications, and it was not due to be refilled for several weeks. I asked Annie about it; she denied any knowledge. No one other than my husband, Annie and Annie's adult, mentally ill daughter have access.

A few days later, Annie apologized and confessed that she had taken the pills. She once suffered from narcolepsy and felt her symptoms were returning, so she used the medicine to help. (My father needs it to stay awake during the day.) Annie also has her daughter, who is in a residence for the mentally ill, at my home almost every day and her 4-year-old granddaughter.

I am beginning to feel taken advantage of, but she is good to Dad and I dread finding a replacement. What is your opinion? -- UNSURE IN INDIANA

DEAR UNSURE: As I see it, you have two choices: Lay down the law to Annie or find a replacement. If you lay down the law to Annie, she may feel resentful and take it out on your father. Therefore, it would be better to bite the bullet now and find a replacement -- and this time, do a thorough background check.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has a habit of answering when someone asks me a question. I feel this is rude, and it aggravates me because she isn't even being spoken to. Am I being petty and, if not, how can I get her to stop doing it? -- LAURA IN SAN ANGELO, TEXAS

DEAR LAURA: What your co-worker is doing is not only rude, in a work situation it can make you appear to be less effective and efficient than you are. Tell the woman plainly how offensive her habit is. And if she persists, speak up and say, "Excuse me. I believe that question was meant for me."

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DEAR ABBY: Our family is getting a foreign exchange student -- our first. Out of the blue, my parents decided he would get my room, and I'd have to share my sister "Susan's" room with her.

Susan is a year and a half older than I am. She has a bad attitude and calls me a geek and a nerd. Her friends are mean to me, too. I am not looking forward to rooming with her, but I don't want to seem selfish, so I'm going along with it. What can I do to get through 10 months of this?

Also, how do you interact with a foreign exchange student? Do I help him learn English, or just stay out of his way? I really have no idea. Thank you for any help you can offer. -- WARY IN THE WEST

DEAR WARY: You appear to be more mature than your older sister, who tries to make herself feel important by picking on her sibling. While I am sure she's no more thrilled than you are at giving up her privacy to accommodate the exchange student, I'm sure you can get through the next school year by showing respect for each other's boundaries and making an extra effort to learn to share.

The best way to interact with your foreign exchange student would be to offer your friendship -- and any other help he needs to adjust to his new surroundings. Introduce him to friends, show him around the neighborhood, and answer his questions just as you would like him to do for you if the situation were reversed.

This will not only be a learning experience for the young man, but also for you and your family. Hosting a foreign exchange student will open your mind and expand your horizons in ways you can't imagine. It could also be the beginning of a lifelong friendship.

Consider this: Ten months with your sister is a small price to pay for what will be an extremely rewarding experience.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a month. Is it a good idea to take my 4-year-old son on the honeymoon? I can't get comfortable with the idea of leaving him behind with my mom and his father. My fiance has no problem taking the baby on our honeymoon. We have lived together since the baby was 6 months old, and he loves him as his own.

Everyone is telling us this is a bad idea. We're planning to be away for 12 days. I'm worried my son will miss us so much that he'll be traumatized. I don't know what to do. Plus, my son's father isn't very consistent about discipline and routine. I need your advice. -- DESPERATE MOM IN MIAMI

DEAR DESPERATE MOM: Please get a grip. A 4-year-old boy is no longer a "baby" -- and between your mother and his father, your little boy will be fine. A 12-day separation will not traumatize him, and it is time you should be devoting to your new husband. If there is any "missing" going on, I'm willing to bet it will be your own separation anxiety manifesting itself, not his.

Although your son may cry when you leave, your mother and the boy's father will know how to distract him. All you need to do is make clear to your son that you want him to have a good time while you're away, and Mommy will be back soon.

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