DEAR ABBY: I am 15 years old, and for 13 years I have known that I am adopted. My friend tells me that she thinks she has found my real mother -- that she goes to her church. I'm really confused.

I need to know the truth about my mom and dad, and even though I want a relationship, I think it's too late to try to pursue one with her. I love her, even though I don't know her.

My boyfriend tells me I should go and see her, but I'm nervous and confused all at the same time. I'm scared that I might get heartbroken, and I don't want that to happen. Abby, what should I do? Should I leave it the way it is, or try to pursue a relationship with her? -- IN MUCH PAIN IN NASHVILLE, N.C.

DEAR IN PAIN: First of all, I want you to know that all of the feelings you're experiencing -- the love, the yearning, the nervousness and fear of rejection -- are normal. It is natural for a child to want to know her parents and how she came to be adopted.

However, before you make any decisions about reaching out to this woman, you should discuss it with your family, which could help you avoid making a painful mistake. Because your friend "thinks" she has located your birth mother doesn't mean the woman is who the girl thinks she is.

It would be healthier for everyone concerned if your parents helped you to locate your birth mother at a time that is mutually agreeable. Most birth parents are as eager to be reunited with the children they placed for adoption as their offspring are.

DEAR ABBY: I hired a caregiver I'll call Annie to stay with my father while I work. When setting up Dad's pills for the coming week, I noticed that only one pill remained of one of his medications, and it was not due to be refilled for several weeks. I asked Annie about it; she denied any knowledge. No one other than my husband, Annie and Annie's adult, mentally ill daughter have access.

A few days later, Annie apologized and confessed that she had taken the pills. She once suffered from narcolepsy and felt her symptoms were returning, so she used the medicine to help. (My father needs it to stay awake during the day.) Annie also has her daughter, who is in a residence for the mentally ill, at my home almost every day and her 4-year-old granddaughter.

I am beginning to feel taken advantage of, but she is good to Dad and I dread finding a replacement. What is your opinion? -- UNSURE IN INDIANA

DEAR UNSURE: As I see it, you have two choices: Lay down the law to Annie or find a replacement. If you lay down the law to Annie, she may feel resentful and take it out on your father. Therefore, it would be better to bite the bullet now and find a replacement -- and this time, do a thorough background check.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has a habit of answering when someone asks me a question. I feel this is rude, and it aggravates me because she isn't even being spoken to. Am I being petty and, if not, how can I get her to stop doing it? -- LAURA IN SAN ANGELO, TEXAS

DEAR LAURA: What your co-worker is doing is not only rude, in a work situation it can make you appear to be less effective and efficient than you are. Tell the woman plainly how offensive her habit is. And if she persists, speak up and say, "Excuse me. I believe that question was meant for me."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our family is getting a foreign exchange student -- our first. Out of the blue, my parents decided he would get my room, and I'd have to share my sister "Susan's" room with her.

Susan is a year and a half older than I am. She has a bad attitude and calls me a geek and a nerd. Her friends are mean to me, too. I am not looking forward to rooming with her, but I don't want to seem selfish, so I'm going along with it. What can I do to get through 10 months of this?

Also, how do you interact with a foreign exchange student? Do I help him learn English, or just stay out of his way? I really have no idea. Thank you for any help you can offer. -- WARY IN THE WEST

DEAR WARY: You appear to be more mature than your older sister, who tries to make herself feel important by picking on her sibling. While I am sure she's no more thrilled than you are at giving up her privacy to accommodate the exchange student, I'm sure you can get through the next school year by showing respect for each other's boundaries and making an extra effort to learn to share.

The best way to interact with your foreign exchange student would be to offer your friendship -- and any other help he needs to adjust to his new surroundings. Introduce him to friends, show him around the neighborhood, and answer his questions just as you would like him to do for you if the situation were reversed.

This will not only be a learning experience for the young man, but also for you and your family. Hosting a foreign exchange student will open your mind and expand your horizons in ways you can't imagine. It could also be the beginning of a lifelong friendship.

Consider this: Ten months with your sister is a small price to pay for what will be an extremely rewarding experience.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a month. Is it a good idea to take my 4-year-old son on the honeymoon? I can't get comfortable with the idea of leaving him behind with my mom and his father. My fiance has no problem taking the baby on our honeymoon. We have lived together since the baby was 6 months old, and he loves him as his own.

Everyone is telling us this is a bad idea. We're planning to be away for 12 days. I'm worried my son will miss us so much that he'll be traumatized. I don't know what to do. Plus, my son's father isn't very consistent about discipline and routine. I need your advice. -- DESPERATE MOM IN MIAMI

DEAR DESPERATE MOM: Please get a grip. A 4-year-old boy is no longer a "baby" -- and between your mother and his father, your little boy will be fine. A 12-day separation will not traumatize him, and it is time you should be devoting to your new husband. If there is any "missing" going on, I'm willing to bet it will be your own separation anxiety manifesting itself, not his.

Although your son may cry when you leave, your mother and the boy's father will know how to distract him. All you need to do is make clear to your son that you want him to have a good time while you're away, and Mommy will be back soon.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Fourteen years ago, when my daughter was 4, my older sister, "Jennifer," was visiting. She was conversing with people at my dinner table, and my 4-year-old daughter was seated next to her. Jennifer was swearing and using vulgar language. (When I was younger, we could never even say "jeez" in front of Jennifer's children.)

My daughter tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Aunt Jenny, you shouldn't be saying words like that in front of me." My sister turned to her and said, "Listen, you little s---. You can't tell me what to say and not to say!" I haven't spoken to Jennifer much since that evening. She sent me a T-shirt soon afterward that said, "Get over it!"

Well, 14 years later, I still haven't. She never apologized to me or my daughter. My niece (Jennifer's daughter) thinks we should talk. I can't imagine anything I could have done in my younger years to have her retaliate in such a way. My niece says I should just let it go. Help! It still bothers me. -- SUE IN OXFORD, CONN.

DEAR SUE: Your sister should have apologized, but obviously she wasn't big enough to do it. What happened 14 years ago was extremely regrettable. However, enough water has flowed under the bridge since then to have washed away your sister's sins. I agree with your niece. It's time to let bygones be bygones. However, when your sister is under your roof, never give her anything stronger than apple juice.

DEAR ABBY: My life has been a roller coaster. I am 27, have three lovely kids and am in my fourth marriage. I have finally found my soul mate. However, our relationship is rocky.

I love this man with all my heart, but we do not have what I consider a true marriage. We have our own money, pay our own bills and live our own lives. How can a marriage work like that? We have our ups and downs just like everyone else. One of our arguments recently became heated, and I don't know how to let it go and move on.

Will my marriage work? I am desperate! This is my fourth, and I really want it to work. What can I do? -- ON A ROLLER COASTER IN PARIS, TEXAS

DEAR ON A ROLLER COASTER: Ask your husband if he also wants the marriage to work -- because if the answer is yes, you both have a lot of work ahead of you. Your relationship sounds more like a partnership than a marriage. And if the argument you mentioned escalated into a physical altercation, there are serious anger issues to consider.

If your husband is willing, the two of you should start talking with a licensed marriage and family counselor as soon as possible. If he's not, then consult one alone, because you may have married the same man four times.

DEAR ABBY: I am curious about why so many people exaggerate their height. A lot of movie actors and professional athletes do this. They all say they are taller than they actually are. What gives? -- DAN IN PERTH AMBOY, N.J.

DEAR DAN: They mistakenly associate height with masculinity, and therefore sex appeal. Of course, the true measure of a man is from his eyebrows up, and sex appeal is based far more upon what's between the ears than on the tape measure.

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