DEAR ABBY: My husband recently got custody of his 16-year-old son, "Zack," from his first marriage. We have been going to therapy with Zack for some things that happened to him while he was with his mother, and telling him that if he's going to live with us he has to go by our rules.

Zack agreed to this, but since then has stolen from me and lied to my face about doing it -- even after I found the things that he had taken in his room. Zack has also tried to hit me, but when I told my husband, he just said he didn't know what to do. Zack's social worker wants to send him to a treatment center in a nearby state to help him with the problems he's having, but my husband doesn't want him to go.

Abby, I gave my husband a choice: Either Zack goes to the center and gets treatment, or I leave forever, because I'm not going to be treated like this by a 16-year-old.

What should I do? If my husband refuses to send his son, should I leave? Or should I stay and take the chance of being hit the next time I catch Zack doing something?

-- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR BETWEEN: Before you make that decision, please understand that your husband probably feels helpless and guilty about the way his son has turned out, and fears that sending his son away would somehow be letting him down.

Your husband needs to understand that sometimes being a responsible parent means doing something that is painful. In two short years, his son will be 18 and an adult. Adults who steal from others and strike out at them in a physical way usually wind up in prison. The time to get the boy the help he needs -- intensive help -- is NOW.

If you can't get your husband to recognize these hard facts, then you may need the help of a marriage counselor or a clergyperson to do so. If he still refuses after that, then you should pack your bags -- if not forever, until his son is out of the house and on his own. You have my deepest sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: Twenty-five years ago, I was dating a man I'll call "Robert" and became pregnant with our son. Robert and I parted ways and lost touch after a while. I raised our son by myself, with the help of my parents. Later I married and had more children, and Robert married, too.

When our son was 23, he met his father for the first time. Robert and I have seen each other a few times over the years. We have remained friends.

Abby, Robert's wife has died and I am now divorced. I would like to call him and talk to him and see if, maybe, we can become more than friends. I don't know whether I should approach him or not. I have always refrained from bothering him.

I saw Robert recently, and he was nice to me. I don't know how our son would react if we became more than friends. He is friendly toward his dad, but nothing more. Should I contact Robert or wait to see if he contacts me?

-- LONELY IN MISSOURI

DEAR LONELY: You must be very lonely to be fantasizing about getting serious with Robert. Where was he when you and your son needed his emotional and financial support? Contact him if you wish, but if he had romantic feelings for you, I am sure he would have contacted you already.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-years-young woman living in my own home with my 84-year-old husband, "Jack." Jack was an avid gardener who enjoyed tending our large yard full of roses, fruit trees, and a variety of flowers and vegetables. During the past year, however, Jack's health has deteriorated and he can no longer do much around our home.

I have tried to take over some of the gardening, but haven't the time or energy to keep it up to Jack's standards. Otherwise, I feel we're doing well. I still drive and keep house and enjoy our great-grandchildren. I used to keep my home to very strict standards, but in recent years have realized that a few dust bunnies are not a crime.

Lately, my daughter, granddaughter and even our oldest great-granddaughter have been trying to push us into living closer to them, into a smaller home with less yard and what they believe would be less work for me. Unfortunately, this has led to harsh words exchanged between my daughter and me.

When my granddaughter agreed with my daughter, I told them to stay out of our business and let us run our own lives. When my granddaughter said the family was only trying to plan ahead and prepare me for when I would be alone, I yelled at her and told her they didn't have the right to force their opinions on me.

Recently my husband's doctor told him he can no longer drive and he was given a walker. We have not told our children because we dread that they'll force us to move, or worse, force me to put Jack in a home. I do not believe this would be the best choice at this time.

We do not want to be a burden on our children. I believe I am able to take care of my husband, my home and my life without our children and grandchildren interfering. How can I get them to understand this without creating more bad feelings?

I know they read your column. Can you help them understand that I have the right to continue to live in my home as long as I wish, and the choice to move should be mine -- not theirs? I'm sure many older people out there are going through what we're going through and could use your wise and valued support. -- "GRACE" IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.

DEAR "GRACE": I'm sure many older people are experiencing what you're going through -- and in the next few decades there will be even more. That's why I'm going to be direct with you. You are "79-years-young," and your husband is 84 and failing. There's an old saying, "You can fool Mother Nature, but you can't fool Father Time."

You may think you are able to keep up the house and the property, but from your description, your ability to do so is becoming less. It does not automatically mean you must make drastic changes in your lifestyle and place your husband in a home. However, it DOES mean that it's time to review your options.

While downsizing might have its advantages, you could also consider finding someone to help you with housekeeping and gardening a couple of times a month. A home health-care professional could also help you care for your husband in the surroundings you both love.

On the other hand, moving closer to your children could provide you with a place that would be easier to keep up -- and also give you extra money to make your lives more comfortable. Please try to keep an open mind and not be defensive. If your children did not love you, they would not be as concerned as they seem to be about you.

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DEAR ABBY: My little girl, "Angela," is 3 and has never seen her father. We were engaged to be married, but he left me three weeks before I had her. She is now asking lots of questions about who he is and where he is.

People who are "educated" in this sort of thing have instructed me to talk about it, keep it simple and not to lie. I have explained to Angela that "you have a daddy, his name is Jeff, and that he lives too far away to see." This was acceptable for a while, but she continues to ask about him.

What is hard to explain to my child is that her father abandoned us with no explanation. The guy didn't even give me a phone call to let me know he wasn't going to be around. He just disappeared. It has been four years of grieving, and I still cry over the loss of my best friend, the father of my beautiful little girl -- not to mention the many issues that go with being a single mother.

Please help me answer questions that are painful for me to explain, so it won't leave a permanent scar on my daughter. -- DEVASTATED IN ST. CHARLES, MO.

DEAR DEVASTATED: I have often thought how unfortunate it is that boys can father children at the age of 11, when many of them don't grow up until they're in their 30s. The "best friend" who fathered your little girl is a prime example.

This is the "mantra" to repeat when your daughter asks about him: "Your father's name is Jeff. I don't know where he is. He left before you were born." It's simple, it's no reflection on her -- or you, for that matter -- and it's the truth. Of course, as your daughter grows older and asks for more information, she should be given more details. But for now, this should be enough.

A final thought. Because four years into the grieving process you are still crying, please consider some sessions with a psychologist. You deserve more happiness and satisfaction than you appear to be getting. You can't change the facts, but you can change the way you react to life's challenges.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently asked to join another couple, "Johnny" and "Brooke," at an upscale restaurant that we would not ordinarily frequent. We decided to join them and had a lovely, if extremely expensive, dinner.

When the check came, Johnny took several gift cards out of his pocket and applied them to their half of the bill. (They covered the majority of it.)

We had no idea that this was the reason Johnny and Brooke wanted to eat there and were shocked that they had not said something earlier. We might have declined.

Of course, we paid our portion of the bill, but when we discussed it later, we both felt that we had been duped. Had the tables been turned, we would have applied the gift cards to the entire bill. Were we duped, and were they cheap? -- AM I STUPID IN POMONA, N.Y.?

DEAR AM I: If you went to the restaurant under the impression that you were being treated to dinner, then you were duped. If you went there planning to split the check -- as many couples do -- then you would have paid for your half of the bill anyway. Whether the money they applied to their half was earned or gifted should not be your concern.

As to whether they were "cheap" -- well, they could have been more generous. But they were under no obligation to be.

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