DEAR ABBY: My mother is constantly calling me to say, "Did you just call me?" Anytime her phone rings and she can't get to it, she calls everyone she knows and asks that question. It is particularly irritating if I am in the middle of something that's difficult to put down when that's the only reason she called. Then she hurries on to the next person on her list to check.

I have repeatedly suggested caller ID, but she won't get it, saying she'll just check around. She knows it's irritating, especially when she calls me at work.

Any suggestions on how I can either learn to live with this, or get her to stop it? -- LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS

DEAR LYNN: It appears your mother has too much free time on her hands. She may be reaching out because she is lonely and needs to talk to somebody. (If she calls enough people, surely someone will spend some time with her.) I don't know what her mental status is, but she could also be losing it.

If her phone rang, it could have been a telemarketing call. So if your mother feels that caller ID isn't for her, ask her if she might compromise and get an answering machine.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and ever since we started dating he has had another woman in his life -- his sister. It seems whenever we're around her, I do not exist!

He uses her as his confidante and solicits her opinion about everything without consulting me at all. People have asked them before if they are dating.

I have expressed my discomfort with his relationship with his sister before, but he doesn't care. He just says he doesn't mean to hurt me -- but it does. He has been talking about our becoming engaged lately, but I don't think I can marry a man who puts his sister before me. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- TIRED OF COMING IN SECOND IN S.C.

DEAR TIRED: Not in my opinion. Not knowing your boyfriend and/or his sister, nor having witnessed the dynamic between them, I am not in a position to note whether their closeness is excessive. However, because they seem to be unusually bonded, the woman who marries your boyfriend will have to be willing to accept a "package deal." And you don't appear to be that kind of person. Caveat emptor.

DEAR ABBY: Am I being old-fashioned to expect servers to bring me all the change due me when I pay my bill at a restaurant? Three times in the last few months, I have been shortchanged. The amounts are small, from a few cents to almost a dollar. It's not the amount that concerns me; it's the notion that it's the proper thing to do.

When I politely request the remainder of my change, I have been subjected to thinly disguised disdain and a rude reply. On one occasion, I was informed that the server didn't have the correct change, and then additional coins were dropped on the table. In every case, some mention was made of their expectation that I would include the shortage in their gratuity. I feel it's my money, and I'll decide how to leave the tip.

Am I living in the past by expecting correct change? -- MICHAEL IN CHELSEA, ALA.

DEAR MICHAEL: Heck no! The servers you describe are extremely presumptuous. You have every right to tell the server that you expect all the change that's coming to you, and you should inform the manager of the restaurant about what's going on. If the situation isn't corrected, you also have the right to take your business elsewhere. That's what I'd do.

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DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, when I was a divorced single father raising two adolescent children, we received an invitation to attend a wedding in Chicago. The bride's parents were cousins I hadn't seen or heard from in more than 20 years. The wedding coincided with the school break. I had accumulated vacation time at work and enough room on my charge cards to cover the cost of the expensive trip, so I replied that we would be glad to attend. I was excited to reconnect with the family and that my children would meet many of their relatives for the first time.

Boy, was I wrong!

The reception was held in the ballroom of an expensive hotel. Instead of being seated with my family, I was placed at a table on the opposite side of the huge ballroom. At the table were several couples and a few single women, all of whom seemed to know each other well. I felt somewhat out of place, but made light conversation, danced a few dances and tried to have a good time.

An aunt approached, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked me to join the family in a side room. When I entered, the men patted me on the shoulders and the women proceeded to tell me that the lady I had been seated next to had decided that I would be an acceptable husband for her! I was then told they would make all the wedding arrangements as quickly as possible.

At first I thought they were joking or that they had tasted too much of the bubbly. Then, in shock, I realized they were serious. I asked why they didn't consult me first. I made it plain I wasn't going to pull my kids out of school, away from their friends, sell my house, quit my job and throw away all our community relationships to move to a city halfway across the country, into an environment that was foreign to us, and marry a woman I had never met before. I told them the idea was insane and insulting.

They looked at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. I was told that because they had gone out of their way to arrange this match for me, my refusal was the height of selfishness and I was an ingrate. Angry, I took my children and left.

My children are now on their own, and I'm involved with a wonderful lady. We have been invited to a family gathering in Los Angeles, which will be attended by the group from Chicago. My lady friend has been pressing me to meet more of my family. I'm afraid to introduce her because I'm afraid she'll see how crazy my relatives are and reject me. What should I do? -- HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR HAPPY: Talk about good intentions run amok! Your letter is a first -- and believe me, I've seen some.

At first, I thought you and your family came from some other culture. Then I called you, just to make sure, and learned that you are third-generation American. It served to remind me that people need to be careful how hard they shake the family tree because it can cause the nuts to fall out.

Under no circumstances should you take your girlfriend to meet these relatives unless you first explain to her in detail what you have told me. Every family has a few eccentrics, and it probably won't bother her as much as it bothers you. But if these relatives are as you described, she needs to understand why she'll be getting a cool reception. Forewarned is forearmed.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's former lover, "Beau," is my age. (She is 20 years younger.) She was married when she and Beau had their affair, and still is. She regretted the affair, but continues to keep him as a friend. She introduced us a few years ago.

As their affair dwindled to a friendship, Beau and I began to have an interest in each other. As I started to see him in a different light, my family got upset.

Are they overreacting, or is this so strange that I should stop the relationship? It does creep me out a bit, but Beau is such fun to be with that I don't dwell on the past. Would it be extremely weird to date your daughter's ex-lover? Your thoughts, please. -- HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH

DEAR HAVING A BALL: Let me put it this way: It would be highly unusual. I'm all for having a ball, both down South and up North. But I wish you had mentioned exactly who in the family finds what you are doing "upsetting." If it's your daughter and her husband, you should seriously consider the consequences of continuing the romance because it could not only put a damper on future family gatherings, but also create a permanent rift between you and your daughter and her family.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 10 months. This is his first marriage and my second. I have a 12-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old son from my first marriage. When my son was born, I decided I was done having kids. I had one of each; it was perfect.

My new husband doesn't have kids of his own and would like to have a chance to raise a child from birth -- either a biological child or an adopted one. He's a good dad, and I know he would love to have a baby. I just feel like it would be an injustice to my kids -- not to mention unfair to another child because of not only the age difference, but the bond my children have with each other. At the same time, I would love to share that experience with my husband. I feel torn, and I don't know what's best. -- CAN'T DECIDE IN BOISE, IDAHO

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: I hope you realize that this is something you and your husband should have thoroughly discussed before you married him. From my perspective, it is clear that YOU do not want another child. If you did, you would realize that the "bond your children already have" is capable of being expanded, and that they might love to have a much younger baby brother or sister. Love isn't something that's rationed. The more there is, the more there is.

DEAR ABBY: What are some ways that people can improve a negative self-image, improve their self-confidence and be more positive in their interactions with other people? -- A.J. IN SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR A.J.: I'm glad you asked. Allow me to offer a few suggestions:

(1) Stop and consider what caused your negative self-image. Then begin taking positive steps to improve your body, soul and intellect.

(2) If you feel yourself reverting to a poor self-image, remind yourself of what you are doing and why.

(3) Reach out and do something for someone who is less fortunate than you are. It's a guaranteed upper.

(4) Avoid people who make themselves feel better by making others feel less so.

(5) Count your blessings every single day, and make up your mind to be happy. People are usually as happy as they are determined to be.

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