DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter, "Laurel," was given a surprise party (friends, snacks, movie -- nothing big, but a very nice gesture) in celebration of her no longer needing crutches. (Laurel had had surgery and had been on crutches for six weeks.)

At the end of the night, the host's mother handed Laurel a few gifts that friends had left for her. The cards indicated that they thought this was a birthday party. The gifts were substantial -- a Coach wristlet, $25 gift cards, etc. Her surprise party had been organized by her friend, also a 13-year-old, but apparently he failed to tell everyone who was invited that it wasn't a birthday party and there was no need for gifts.

What should Laurel do with the gifts? This is very awkward, and I'm not sure how to handle it. What is the procedure for receiving gifts for the wrong reason?

Laurel received gifts from three of the 15 guests; the party was last night and my daughter must respond to the situation ASAP -- whether it be with a thank-you note, a phone call, etc. Please help us. -- LAUREL'S MOM IN N.J.

DEAR LAUREL'S MOM: Your daughter should call the friends who gave her gifts thinking it was her birthday and thank them, but she should also offer to return the items because it wasn't her birthday and the party was not a gift-giving occasion. It's possible that Laurel will be told to just keep them, in which case a thank-you note would be in order. She should also write a gracious thank-you note to the friend who threw her the party.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in three months. Now I am wondering what the process is for letting friends and family know where we are registered. I read somewhere that it is not appropriate to include this information on the invitation. Is this true? -- POLLY IN POCATELLO, IDAHO

DEAR POLLY: Yes, it's true. And you probably read it in my column. This is how the information should properly be shared:

1. The invitations are sent out.

2. When the RSVP cards are returned, those who plan on attending should contact you or your fiance and ask where you are registered.

3. At that time, the information should be transmitted verbally.

4. Because many couples set up Web pages with all the information about the wedding -- including where they are registered -- prospective guests can be referred to the Web page.

DEAR ABBY: I am recently separated from my husband of nine years, "Carl." We live in a small suburb, and are both very involved in our community. Several of our mutual friends have taken it upon themselves to give me a running commentary on what Carl is doing, where they saw him, who he was with, etc. I am sure they do the same to him.

Abby, I really have no desire to get daily updates on Carl or his whereabouts. How can I politely let our friends know I'd rather not hear their stories? -- HAD IT IN HUMBLE, TEXAS

DEAR HAD IT: The next time someone brings up the subject of your soon-to-be-ex, say, "Stop! That is a closed chapter, and I'd prefer not to hear any more information about Carl and what he's up to." If they are true friends, they will respect your wishes.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-year-old male who has been divorced for the last five years. I am considering trying marriage again, but am somewhat concerned about the impotence problem I have had for some time.

I have consulted many doctors and have taken many tests, but they all came out OK -- so I decided to try Viagra. It has been working great.

Should I be upfront about my medical condition if and when I propose marriage, or should I wait until after we're married? It is extremely embarrassing to talk about this to anyone, let alone a woman who might become my wife. -- UNCERTAIN IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.

DEAR UNCERTAIN: You should absolutely disclose any medical condition that could affect your marriage before you are married. Not to do so could be considered fraud. If the woman loves you, she will accept you just as you are.

However, when the time comes, it might be beneficial for you and your prospective fiancee to pay a visit to your physician together. It's possible that your impotence may have been linked to the fact that your marriage didn't work, and has nothing to do with your ability to perform without the little blue pills.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my fiance to leukemia. He was only 27. I have noticed that the first words of comfort offered to me by people are, "You're young and pretty. You'll find someone again." Abby, my fiance has been gone only four months. Several people said that to me at his funeral and wake!

I understand the thought behind those words -- that my life will not end because his did. But it was extremely inappropriate to hear something like that so soon after his death. I know I will eventually feel like dating again, but right now his loss is still too recent and painful.

How should I respond to people who say that? Please help me get the word out that this is no comfort so soon after someone's partner passes away. -- STILL MOURNING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STILL MOURNING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your sentiments have been repeated by others who have also suffered a loss.

For some reason, when there is a death, people feel they must say something to "fix" it -- as if anything that could be said would make the pain go away.

Folks: The appropriate way to extend condolences is the simplest. Just repeat the first sentence of my answer. Period! That's all! And do not ask questions about the cause of death. And when someone offers you condolences -- a simple thank you is enough. Then, unless you wish to talk about it, change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a friend's home for dinner. We brought a lovely plant as a thank-you gift. When we arrived at her house, she said she had forgotten she had invited us for that night. We talked in her driveway for a few minutes, and I handed her the plant as we left. My question is, what was the correct thing to do? Should we have let her have the plant or taken it back home with us? -- PERPLEXED IN MCCLEARY, WASH.

DEAR PERPLEXED: You didn't mention how old this friend is, but she appears to be disorganized, overscheduled or suffering from mind-cognitive impairment. Although there are no rules of etiquette that dictated it, you were nice to leave the plant with her. Perhaps it will serve as a reminder to reschedule the dinner.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Pregnant and Paranoid in Calif." (May 6) is rightfully troubled by the unwanted touching of her abdomen by strangers. When they do it, she should back away and gently remind them that it makes her uncomfortable. What she needs to know is that touching a woman's belly is a deeply rooted instinctual behavior. It is as natural as pulling your hand away from a fire. -- GAYLE FROM SCOTTS, MICH.

DEAR GAYLE: My mail was divided on this. Some readers agreed with "Pregnant and Paranoid," and others felt she needed to "chill out." Others suspected that she might be advertising her pregnancy by the type of maternity clothes she was wearing. A few of the responses gave me a belly laugh. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In my culture (Hispanic), it is considered good luck to touch something you admire so that no harm comes to it. I'm sure no one intends to offend the expectant mother. In fact, it's thought to be positive karma (mojo). On the flip side, she can always say, "My tummy is like the Museum of Fine Art: Look, but don't touch." It's cute and will get her point across. -- ANGELICA IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: The fascination with a pregnant belly probably has ancient cultural origins. It was local custom in the Philippines for a pregnant woman to take the hand of a handsome man or beautiful woman and place it on her own budding abdomen, hoping to transfer those traits to her incubating child.

She should relax and enjoy a little gratuitous physical contact; some people have to pay big money for it -- like with massage or chiropractic. -- "WILL" ZAHAN, M.D., CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: When I was pregnant, I was treated like a queen. People opened doors for me, helped me with bags, acted as traffic guards as I crossed the street, and yes, patted my belly. It helped me realize that a pregnant woman carries an important "package," not just for her family but for the whole community. Children are a precious gift for all humanity, and I think that's why people feel warmed by the sight of a pregnant woman and reach out to give an encouraging rub. -- LOVED BEING PREGNANT (PATS AND ALL) IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Does "Pregnant and Paranoid" wear today's ridiculously tight clothing that is so in now? The clothing that I have seen pregnant women wear advertises their protruding bellies and, in my opinion, encourages people to notice and admire their bellies, implying there's an open invitation to touch them. -- OLD-FASHIONED GRANDMA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: A modest top that hides the baby-belly sends the message, "This baby is my private business" and will not attract the kind of unwanted attention that "Pregnant and Paranoid" described. -- HANA IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I went through three pregnancies in 2 1/2 years, and I got sick and tired of complete strangers putting their hands on me.

To avoid it during my second pregnancy, I had a few T-shirts made. They read: "This is not public property." "Touch my belly and I get to touch yours." "Sure you can feel the baby. It'll cost you a dollar!" It got my point across without my having to be rude or confrontational. -- PROUD MOM IN WICHITA

DEAR ABBY: My favorite maternity T-shirt slogan is one I saw online -- "If you didn't put it here, don't touch it!" -- 22 WEEKS PREGNANT IN SEATTLE

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)