DEAR ABBY: I have recently become engaged. I was approached last week by an old friend, "Lindsay," who sat me down and asked me in a serious manner if she could be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I was taken aback by her question and responded awkwardly, saying I hadn't decided yet. She looked hurt, and I quickly changed the subject.

Frankly, Lindsay is someone I hadn't considered asking to be in my wedding because we have grown apart over the years.

I will be selecting my bridesmaids soon, and I don't want to hurt her feelings even more. How should I handle this? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: As I see it, you have two choices. You can pretend Lindsay never asked you that question. Or, you can have a chat with her and explain that you and your fiance have discussed who will be in the bridal party, and, because you and she have grown apart over the years, you have decided to ask other people.

Either way, she's not going to like it. But remember, she was presumptuous to put you on the spot in the first place, and you are under no obligation to ask her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive, single, successful, 27-year-old woman who has struggled with anorexia ever since I was 12. I have learned to live with it and feel no need to advertise it to the world. However, I find that many strangers, including a large number of people I associate with at work, feel a compulsion to comment on my weight (105 pounds and 5 foot 9), the size of the clothes I wear, or what I eat. It's as uncomfortable a subject for me as I imagine it is for people who are overweight, and I have no "pat" answer for them.

When work associates ask your size or your weight, or even go so far as to assume you have an eating disorder, is there a polite response to remind them of the inappropriateness of their question? -- ANNOYED AT 105

DEAR ANNOYED: Clearly, your weight issues are more obvious to those around you than you chose to believe. However, you are under no obligation to answer these intrusive questions if it makes you uncomfortable. When confronted, reply, "That's a very personal question (or subject), and I'd prefer not to discuss it." Then change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a female in my mid-20s, starting on a career as a professional musician. I play an instrument, the flugelhorn, that is played professionally by fewer females than males. I have also been gifted with good looks.

On many occasions when I've performed with a group, I have received compliments from band members as well as members of the audience, usually about my playing AND my appearance. (I dress tastefully, not provocatively.)

Do you have some creative ways of saying "thank you" to these nice people? I realize that just a simple "thank you" is always appropriate, but is there another way I can respond to show my appreciation for their kind words without sounding like I'm rejecting the compliment or I have heard it a thousand times? -- JESSE IN BURBANK

DEAR JESSE: Sometimes the more "creative" someone is, the more room there is for misinterpretation. When acknowledging a compliment, keep it simple. Just say, "Thank you," or, "How kind of you to say that."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: One of my female co-workers regularly scrutinizes the wardrobe and accessories of all the other co-workers, male and female. Her scrutiny is so detailed that she notices the littlest thing -- even a change in nail polish color, or the buttons on a jacket.

Every time she sees some new clothing or jewelry, she moves in for a closer look and often touches the item. Her comments are not casual, but very detailed. I feel like I am in the army and going through uniform inspection and that she is constantly judging everyone.

Another co-worker has commented to me about this in a joking way, but I suspect she resents it, too. I want to say something to the offending co-worker so that she will stop examining me from head to toe every day. On the other hand, it's a small office and I want to maintain harmony. Any ideas? -- UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNDER A MICROSCOPE: It would not be unharmonious to tell this co-worker that her comments and touching are making you uncomfortable, and to please stop. Once you have done that, you have put her on notice. If she continues after that, then it's time to say something to your boss -- because this person's behavior could be considered a form of harassment.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man for about six months. We are both in our 40s and have grown children. Things were becoming serious until about a month ago, when he said he had some personal problems "that I wouldn't understand."

Well, yesterday he finally told me what the problem is. Apparently he likes to dress and act like a woman sometimes. He says he does it to "release tension." Some of what he told me seems petty -- he likes women's hygiene products. But I don't understand why he would find release by dressing as a woman because we have an active sex life.

He said he has been to counseling many times, and it hasn't helped. I really like him, but I'm not sure if I can handle the whole dressing-like-a-woman thing. What would you do if you were in my situation? -- TOTALLY CONFUSED IN IDAHO

DEAR TOTALLY CONFUSED: If I really cared about him, I think I'd ask to spend some time with his "other self." Then I'd make up my mind about whether or not I could accept the situation. Many cross-dressers are happily married and have perfectly normal marriages except for this one "quirk." (And let's face it -- is anyone completely quirk-free?)

DEAR ABBY: I am driven nuts by know-it-alls who like to correct others. Most often, the detail is small and superfluous. Why do people do this? Is it a matter of control?

I am close to a couple of people who correct me in public on a regular basis. Hey, I'm flawed and I know it -- obviously they are perfect. How does one deal with those who constantly correct others? -- CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT: People who feel compelled to correct others are practicing a form of one-upmanship. It can also be a reflection of their own social insecurity. The way to deal with it is to first point out to them that correcting others in public is rude, and if they continue, to avoid them whenever possible.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Needs to Be Active" (April 25) wrote that after more than 20 years as a nurse's aide, she feels that no one wants to hire her because she is older. Abby, she does not have an age discrimination problem; she has a marketing and self-promotion problem!

If her experience and abilities are as stated, her skills are in strong demand across the country. People are not "given" jobs -- they have to go after jobs. She should join a local business networking group; visit doctors' offices and leave promotional handouts with her contact information; get to know nurses and staff at hospitals and senior centers and ask for referrals; introduce herself to the H.R. department at large local businesses (where employees frequently need help with ailing parents); call disability insurance companies and learn how to get on their list of recommended home nurses; advertise in the classified ads section of the local paper; and seek help from a business coach or marketing expert. "Needs" has a business problem; she needs a business solution. -- JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA

DEAR JIM: Thank you for your terrific suggestions. And thank you to the many readers who wrote to offer the writer of that letter (and others like her) advice, ideas and a pep talk. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I would recommend the nurse's aide check with her local department of senior services. The government is providing more programs to help people stay at home instead of going into nursing homes. Many private agencies now offer in-home care services and are looking for full- and part-time caretakers. These companies are growing at an amazing rate and would be a great match for her. -- MARY IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to spread the word about an important program of the Department of Labor. Senior Community Services Employment Program (SCSEP) allows financially eligible people 55 and older to train 20 hours a week and receive minimum wage at local nonprofits. Seniors can acquire and update skills to help them obtain unsubsidized employment.

With the older workforce growing and a decrease in the younger one, hiring and retaining older workers will become a priority for many employers. The Department of Labor has information about SCSEP on its Web site: www.doleta.gov/seniors. -- PROGRAM DIRECTOR, MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: If "Needs" can't get a job as a nurse's aide, then how about as a sitter? Many hospitals (and families) hire sitters to assist with confused patients who cannot be left alone in their rooms but do not need a nurse with them all the time.

Or how about sitting in the home? Many times a family just needs a break from Mom or Dad who is living with them and cannot be left alone. You would be amazed how many people would love a few hours' respite for lunch with a friend, etc. -- AN R.N. IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: She should check with AARP. Before retiring, I worked for a government agency that has special positions that could be filled by AARP seniors. These employees were a valuable asset and were able to take home a paycheck while contributing their expertise to help others. -- PAT FROM CARLSBAD

DEAR ABBY: As director of nursing at an assisted-living community, I would like to encourage "Needs" to seek employment at one near her home. These communities often hire certified nursing assistants, and the work is less physically demanding and stressful than it is in a formal setting. -- ELKHART, IND., READER

DEAR ABBY: That woman should visit her beautician for a style update. Perhaps her hairstyle and wardrobe betray her age and turn off some prospective employers. She doesn't have to pretend to be 20, but a stylish, mature woman can make a smashing impression. -- YOUNG AT HEART IN BALTIMORE

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