DEAR ABBY: In light of the recent headlines about sub-prime lending, may I offer some advice to the tens of thousands of seniors who fall victim to predatory lending every year? Bet Tzedek -- The House of Justice, the organization I lead in Los Angeles, offers free legal services to help people who have lost their homes to fraud and predatory lending.

Seniors can do several things to avoid being taken advantage of.

First: Any senior facing financial problems should confide in family and friends. Each year, homeowners consult us because they're in imminent danger of losing their homes and they were too ashamed to ask family members or friends for help or advice until it was too late. Shame too often drives seniors to strangers who promise quick fixes.

Second: Seniors who are behind on their mortgage should contact their lender. If possible, the lender will try to work something out with the borrower to avoid foreclosure. For help working with the lender, the senior should call a HUD-certified counseling agency, which can give the senior advice on all available financial options.

Third: Stay away from people who come to the door offering to "rescue" the house from foreclosure!

And finally, people thinking about obtaining a home loan should be sure they understand the language in their loan documents before signing them and should be particularly careful before agreeing to an adjustable-rate loan.

I hope that seniors everywhere will take these simple, proactive steps to protect their financial well-being. -- MITCHELL A. KAMIN, CEO, BET TZEDEK LEGAL SERVICES

DEAR MITCHELL: So do I. Thank you for your helpful letter, and for reaching out to help seniors nationwide.

However, seniors are not the only people who have been victims of fraud and predatory lending practices. I'm sad to say, minorities have also been targeted. Because this problem has been so widespread, I am listing additional resources for people of all ages who may have been affected:

(1) Your local Department of Consumer Affairs. Most local municipalities have one, often with a public complaint phone number.

(2). The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD).

(3) Local law enforcement. Many police departments and prosecutors have units to deal with financial crimes and abuse.

(4) The National Consumer Law Center (� HYPERLINK "http://www.consumerlaw.org" ��www.consumerlaw.org�), which offers referrals and resources for consumers.

(5) ACORN. Its Web site -- � HYPERLINK "http://www.acorn.org" ��www.acorn.org� -- has information about local offices and resources available nationally. You may also call (866) 67-ACORN.

(6) Your local Better Business Bureau and/or Chamber of Commerce.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper etiquette to send condolences for a death by e-mail? -- JOHN T., WINSLOW, ILL.

DEAR JOHN: The experts are divided on this. It's better than nothing, I suppose. Of course, the test would be to ask yourself how you would feel if condolences on the death of your loved one were extended this way.

Consider receiving something like this: "Dear John: Sor-E 2 hear about UR Dad. :( Please accept R sympathy." If that's what you'd want, go ahead and hit "send." Personally, I think sending something a bit less casual would be more appropriate.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife of 34 years passed away eight months ago. I miss her very much. Her dying wish was that she be cremated, which I respected. She asked that her ashes be scattered at sea, which I will do this summer.

Her ashes are in a beautiful urn in the shape of a vase. After her ashes are spread in the ocean, would it be proper to use her urn as a vase? I would like to display it as a reminder of our love for each other and keep a dozen red roses in it at all times.

I have never seen a discussion of urns before in your column. Just what are you supposed to do with an urn that, in my circumstances, I will be done with after this summer? -- BUS DRIVER IN AUBURN, CALIF.

DEAR BUS DRIVER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your wife. I took your question to a wonderful woman named Lisa Carlson, the executive director of the Funeral Ethics Organization. Lisa assured me that it would be "absolutely proper" to use your wife's urn as a vase. Then she added that if you eventually get a girlfriend, you may want to be discreet about the "vase," and if you have children, you might consider passing it on to them as a family heirloom after your own death.

DEAR ABBY: What is the "proper" way to pass on baby clothes and baby items? I was blessed with a child later in life (I am 40). I will not be having more children.

I gave a lot of clothes to a friend and kept some for sentimental reasons, but my question is this: Items like the swing, vibrating chair and exer-saucer were gifts. Do I have to give them away since they were shower gifts to me? Or is it OK to sell them at a yard sale?

I have a friend who is expecting me to just give her all my stuff. I am torn. Am I being stingy? Or just frugal? Why am I so weird about passing on my baby stuff? Help! -- DANICA IN DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR DANICA: When someone receives a gift, whether it be at a holiday or a shower, that item becomes the property of the recipient to do with as she (or he) pleases. I don't think you are being "weird" about your baby things. Your friend is being presumptuous to expect anything, and should be grateful for any items you give her without feeling entitled to more.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman with friends of all ages, and I receive lots of phone calls. I like people and enjoy hearing from them. However, several of the "regulars" who call me talk nonstop. As long as I listen, they're fine. But if I try to launch into a subject that interests me, they tell me they're really busy and terminate the call.

How should I interpret this? I have tried laughing it off, but it feels like a put-down. -- FEELING USED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FEELING USED: It seems you're spending a lot of time on the phone. The people you have described appear to be quite centered on themselves. They appear to be in love with the sound of their own voices, rather than calling to converse -- which implies an exchange of information.

I don't think they are trying to put you down. It's just that in their "universe," listening to someone else is too great an inconvenience. People like this are more interested in an audience than a friendship, so budget your time accordingly.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: In light of the events at Virginia Tech, I need some advice on a situation I encountered at work. I travel to many retail locations each week, and sometimes I am "stationed" at one of them for several weeks, or even months.

Two months ago, I was chatting with a young man I'll call "Ryan," and during the conversation he told me that when he was in high school, he had drawn up plans for a Columbine-type assault. The comment came out of the blue, and he laughed it off, saying it would make a good movie script.

Ryan is now at a local community college, and I would not want to be a student at his school. He makes me very uneasy, and I don't like having to interact with him. After the Virginia Tech tragedy, I asked him his thoughts. His reply was, "I wouldn't have killed myself." The implication was that the murder of 30-plus people was fine with him, but suicide would send him to hell.

This kid really scares me, and my gut instinct is to tell the store management about his comments. If he gets angry someday and snaps, I will feel terrible that I didn't say something, but I am a "visitor" in these stores, and I don't want to be labeled as a troublemaker by them or my employer. What should I do? -- VERY TROUBLED IN ARIZONA

DEAR TROUBLED: It's too bad you didn't "remind" Ryan that committing murder would also send him to hell.

Because the young man scares you, my recommendation is to go with your gut. However, rather than reporting the conversation to store management, you should bring it to the attention of the police in your community. They can -- and should -- check to see whether he has access to, or has purchased, any weapons.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are planning to attend my niece's wedding next month and, as usual, the prospect of being with my family has thrown me into a tizzy. We are simple people -- we are both teachers, and we have raised three great children but no superstars.

My sister and brothers are all wealthy. Their children are excellent scholars and/or athletes, including two who play professionally.

I feel fine about our accomplishments and am proud of our children and what they have done -- that is, until I am around my brothers and sister. Then I beat myself up thinking I wasn't as good a mother as I should have been.

I am tempted to skip this wedding because this happens every single time, and I don't enjoy my visits with them. What do I do? -- TEMPTED TO REFUSE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR TEMPTED TO REFUSE: I see no reason why you should feel "second best" and compare yourself and your family to your siblings. You and your husband chose to go into one of the "helping" professions rather than one that would bring in more money. Many people would consider that a far greater contribution to our society than accumulating a pile of assets.

As to comparing the accomplishments of these "superstar" athletes and scholarly nieces and nephews -- I can't imagine a greater waste of time. If your children are educated, employed and happy with their lives, then dear lady, you have accomplished what is most important.

Skip the wedding if that's what you prefer, but please do not do so because you're ashamed of your life. From my perspective, you and your family are very successful people in your own right.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)