DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, my sister and I bought a business from our mother. We all love and respect one another and get along well. We will be finished paying off the business in two years.

Our problem: Mom, who is now 77, still draws a salary from us above and beyond the payment for the business. Her workload has lessened greatly, as it should. She could do all of her work in one day and lessen the burden of her salary. However, she says she'd "go crazy" if she retired. We don't want that. She could still come in as often as she wants and do her personal paperwork, banking, letter-writing, reading, etc. These are all things she does at "work" -- on the clock.

If we try to discuss this, Mom gets hurt and says, "Just let me know when I'm not worth the money." We don't want to do that. We would hope she would see the fairness of this and suggest it herself.

Business expenses are going through the roof, and there are updates we should make, but we can't do it as long as we are paying Mom at the level we are, on top of the money for the buy-out. -- DAUGHTERS DEAREST

DEAR DAUGHTERS: You do, indeed, have a problem. It's one that should be handled with the utmost diplomacy.

Because your mother is an intelligent businesswoman, she must be a part of this decision. Schedule a business meeting between the three of you and put the budget on the table for discussion -- along with the updates that need to be made. Ideally, she will recognize the dilemma and suggest the cutback herself.

If your mother fails to reduce her salary for the good of the company, begin "planting seeds" about how nice it would be to have time to devote to charity and how much she has to offer volunteerism. (It's the truth.) Research volunteer opportunities in your area, and perhaps even talk to some volunteer organizations about recruiting your mother. When she realizes how interesting and fulfilling these activities can be, encourage her to reduce her hours at work to enable her to contribute to the community. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is coming soon for her annual two-week visit, and my nightmares about it have already begun. She is 78 years young, sweet and nonjudgmental. The problem is, she talks nonstop about people we have never met.

When we introduce her to friends, she continues story after story about people who are of interest only to her. She knows what she's doing because she'll say, "Poor thing -- I've gabbed your ear off," but she keeps talking.

My mother-in-law lives alone. So do a lot of people, including my own mother, but no one talks as incessantly as she does. She's monopolized conversations for years, so it can't be her age.

My husband says I should just walk away, but his mother is easily offended, and I don't want to be rude. When I go to the market or wherever, she wants to accompany me, so there is never any respite! I tell myself it's only two weeks a year, but a day with her feels like an eternity. Why does she do this, and what can I do? Help! -- TALKED TO DEATH IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR TALKED TO DEATH: Compulsive talking can be a nervous habit, a sign of insecurity or an attempt to control. In your mother-in-law's case, it could also be because for two weeks a year, she has someone to talk to. You're right about one thing: At this late date, she's not going to change.

Because her visits are so stressful, ask your doctor for advice on how to alleviate the stress.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a little over a year ago, after being married to my father for 30 years. Recently, Dad has found a girlfriend -- or rather, she found him. I'll call this woman Alexis.

Alexis has taken it upon herself to come into his home, take down the wallpaper, paint the walls a different color, and throw away a lot of his "junk" -- which is what she called most of my mother's things! She has also reorganized the kitchen and rearranged the furniture, books -- everything.

One room in Dad's house was set up just for my children. Alexis removed all their toys, put them in an upstairs closet, and replaced them with a display case filled with fragile china figurines. She has also instructed her granddaughter to call my father "Grandpa."

Alexis prepared a holiday dinner at Dad's house and sat her own family at the main table. I was relegated to a card table in the other room. She also invited her daughter, parents and sisters to my father's house for a birthday party that Dad didn't even want -- and made him foot the bill! She never offers to pay for anything. I think Alexis thinks she's found herself a "meal ticket."

How do I let her know that what she's doing is extremely rude without being rude myself? -- DISPLACED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. If you believe your father is of sound mind and not being intimidated by his girlfriend, then you must respect his wish to have her around. Alexis may be tactless, and you may not approve of her, but it is up to him to tell her when she has gone too far -- not you.

DEAR ABBY: The wedding season is approaching, and on behalf of all professional photographers, I'm writing about the rudeness of wedding guests who bring their own cameras to the wedding ceremony. They behave as if they're at a tourist attraction.

Professional photographers honor church rules, and often the wishes of the wedding party, by not "blinding" the bride, the groom or the clergy by taking flash photos during the ceremony.

After the ceremony, when we're trying to set up formal group pictures, these same guests jump in front of us like paparazzi! I've even seen mothers of the bride whip out a camera. Why do people hire a professional photographer and then allow this to happen?

Abby, please inform these people how rude they are. The bride and groom have hired us to capture their wedding on film. If the wedding guests want pictures, they can order them through the bride. Guests do not bring extra flowers or an extra cake to supplement the efforts of the florist and caterer, so why do they do this to the photographer? Our job must be done in a timely manner, and the kind of interference I have described prevents us from doing our best work in the least amount of time. -- MIFFED PRO IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MIFFED: I'm printing your message, but it's not going to be popular. I agree that taking flash pictures during a church service is considered rude, and it can detract from the solemnity of the ceremony.

However, most couples appreciate both the formal photographs and the amateur snapshots. Candid shots caught by amateurs often reflect the personalities of the wedding party and guests better than the formal, posed portraits taken by professionals because the subjects are more relaxed.

P.S. Some photographers avoid the problems you're encountering by taking their formal portraits before the ceremony. If this doesn't work for you, consider bringing an assistant along to help with "crowd control."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Proud Mama of Two Different Boys" (Feb. 23) should know she is not alone. Your response was right on, too. People will argue what they want, and sometimes it's easier to nod, "agree" and walk away.

When my twins were newborn, I would have them in their double stroller to run errands. People would stop me, look at them and then say, "Oh, twins -- how cute! They're identical, right? They just look identical!"

I would look them straight in the eye, smile and say, "Oh no, not identical. He is a boy, and she is a girl." Now, Abby, if the pink/blue clothing did not tip anyone off about their different genders, then paying attention might have. My son had black hair, dark brown eyes and creamy olive skin. My daughter was as pale white as possible, with big blue veins noticeable across her nose and forehead, piercing blue eyes, and so bald she hardly had eyelashes! Identical -- absolutely not! -- JESSICA IN NORTH CANTON, OHIO

DEAR JESSICA: When I printed that letter, I had no idea how many parents had had the "identical" experience. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Many people who make these comments are just looking for a way to make conversation as they admire your family. Although I am adopted, many people would say how much alike my mother and I looked. We would simply say "thank you" and share a secret smile. That worked for us! -- JOYCE K. IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons, and although they don't look alike we get those same comments. Normally I just smile and say, "I sure hope so -- or else I have some explaining to do to my husband!" Then we enjoy a good laugh and that ends the conversation. -- MELISSA P., EDINBURG, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I have two handsome sons who are now 17 and 19. A lot of people have told me how closely they resemble each other, although I always see them as very different. But there had to be something to it because they were recognized as brothers on sight without being introduced that way. I have learned that people look at my kids with different eyes than my husband or I do. We focus on nuance; they focus on the generalities.

Oddly, a few weeks ago, my youngest was performing in a school play, and as I saw him up on stage, for the first time in 17 years I thought he looked exactly like his brother! -- B&E's PROUD MOM

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are two years apart and have very different personalities. We were always asked if we were twins when we went out together. (She is now 37 and I'm 35.) Back when she and I were in our 20s, we had some pictures taken together. We had our makeup done similarly and were dressed alike. That was the first time we saw how much alike we looked.

Please remind "Proud Mama" that she "sees" the personalities of her children, not their looks. Our mother was as amazed as we were at how alike we were in those pictures. -- JENNIFER C., EASTPOINTE, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of seven children, I always chuckle when people tell me they all look alike. I smile and reply, "Well, we did make them with all the same ingredients."

People are just making conversation. Why put them on the defensive by disagreeing? -- LISA V., CAMILLUS, N.Y.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)