DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in the hope that you may be able to help me. My husband of 20 years, "Rocky," has moved out of our home and into the apartment of his first love from 25 years ago. Because of some research I did on the Internet, as well as some conversations I had with a doctor, I think it's possible that he is going through a mid-life crisis.

Rocky is 43. I don't like the life he led all those years ago, and I'm afraid he is headed back in the same direction. He has changed, but she has not.

Rocky refuses to talk to me and hasn't spoken to the kids since he left. He says he is scared of what they will say to him and of how they must feel toward him. I am so hurt. I love my husband so much and miss him with all my heart. Do men who go through changes like this usually return to the families they left behind? Please help me. -- ROCKY'S WIFE IN MARYLAND

DEAR WIFE: Some straying husbands recognize that they have made a mistake, return to their families and make their marriages work. Others do not. Only time will tell into which category your husband will fall.

In the meantime, do nothing rash. Wait him out. Have the kids write to their father once a week, telling him how much they love him, miss him and need him. You should do the same, and enlist the help of your in-laws to see that the messages get through. While you're at it, assure him that you're willing to work on whatever issues drove a wedge between you in the first place.

I can't guarantee that this kind of campaign will work, but it's certainly worth a try. And in order to retain your sanity, stay active, in close touch with friends and family, and cultivate support systems of your own. And please know that I'm rooting for you.

DEAR ABBY: One of my girlfriends, "Dana," broke up with her boyfriend, "Gil," last summer. Prior to the breakup, Dana had obtained the password for his computer log-in to help him fix a computer problem. After the split, she tried Gil's computer password on his e-mail and gained access to his e-mail account. Dana has been reading his e-mail for six months.

When they split, he requested that there be no contact of any kind. Should I contact Gil and tell him what has been going on? And is this stalking? -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Yes, it could be considered a form of stalking, because Dana appears to be obsessed with who her former boyfriend is seeing and what he's doing. You would be going Gil a favor to tell him to change his password. Wouldn't you want to know? I would!

DEAR ABBY: I have lived for years without an answering machine. It was my choice. Many people have complained to me about it over the years, but I feel that between my phone, my cell phone, my husband's cell phone and his business line, we are quite reachable -- and what's the big deal, anyway? I'm home almost all the time and frequently scroll through my caller ID.

Is it a breach of "good manners" not to have an answering machine, as many people have suggested? -- JULIE IN COLORADO

DEAR JULIE: No rule of etiquette "demands" that you have an answering machine or be available to people 24/7. Everyone deserves private time. Perhaps the complainers are upset because you are not calling them back as quickly as they would like. But that's their problem, so don't make it yours.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: Happy Easter, one and all!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman, currently married to a wonderful man I'll call Ron. I was married once before to a man I'll call Hank, with whom I had two daughters. When my daughters were little, I grew restless and had several affairs. I fell in love with one of the men -- Ron.

When Hank discovered my infidelity, he committed suicide. About a year and a half later, Ron and I married.

My eldest daughter is now 15, and she has asked me the reason for her father's suicide. I want my daughter and I to have an honest relationship. Should I tell her? -- UNFAITHFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNFAITHFUL: People in their right minds do not kill themselves because a spouse is unfaithful. Apparently your former husband had other issues, including depression. I recommend that you tell your daughter that her father committed suicide because he battled depression and lost. From my perspective, it's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old woman who still lives at home with my mother. Daddy died when I was 13. She and I have been extremely close ever since. We have had our disagreements with each other, but all in all, I've been there for her. She has done so much over the years for me.

However, because I am now an adult, I feel it's time for me to move out and get my own place. When I told Mom how I felt, she became furious. She has always pushed in my face that she couldn't wait until I move out. Now that I'm actually doing it, she is threatening that if I go I can't come back -- ever. I can't wash laundry at her house, and I can't come to visit.

My two sisters and my brother moved out, and moved back at one point. They also did their laundry here and slept over when needed. I don't understand why she's acting this way toward me.

Now Mom is screaming and complaining about every little thing to the point that I'm considering seeing a shrink to handle it. Can you help me cope with the stress my mother is handing me? -- STUNNED IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR STUNNED: You are your mother's baby -- the last fledgling to leave the nest. I'm sure you have been the center of her life for a long time, ever since the death of your father. When you go, your mother will have to do some serious thinking about the way she has lived her life, and the direction she plans to take for the rest of it. She may be threatening you because SHE feels threatened by the fact that you're leaving.

The best advice I can offer is that you tell her how much you love her and how grateful you are to have her in your life, but that in order for you to grow, you have to separate from her for a while.

P.S. Your idea of a "shrink" is an excellent one. I recommend that you AND your mother see a licensed therapist for family counseling to ease the transition.

DEAR ABBY: Every time my husband does the dishes I see red. I was taught to do the glasses first and the silverware next because they touch your mouth. My husband does the plates and bowls first, then the glasses and silverware. What is the proper way to do dishes?

Also, when I vacuum, he always tells me I should dust first, then vacuum. I vacuum, then dust. Should he be doing the housework or should I? -- TERRI IN JOHNSTOWN, PA.

DEAR TERRI: You should be doing the dishes, and he should be doing the dusting and vacuuming. And you both should be saving for an automatic dishwasher.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl in high school. Two days ago I went to my friend "Kate's" house to work on a school project. After we started working on it, Kate's sister, "Nell" -- who is 9 -- accidentally stepped on the poster board and bent it a little. It was something that was easily fixable, but Kate lost it. She started yelling and verbally abusing Nell.

When Nell tried to leave the room, she tripped over Kate's pencil pouch, which was in her way. With an "I warned you," Kate jumped up and punched her little sister in the stomach -- hard. Nell fell to the floor and started crying, and Kate kicked her until Nell finally crawled out of the room.

Their parents were not home, but were coming back in a few hours. I was shocked by what I saw. Kate seemed perfectly calm and just sat down and started working on our project again.

Should I tell anyone what I saw? I'm not sure if Kate does this all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell on her, she'll accuse me of "betraying" her. She has a lot of influence at school, but I feel I can't just stand there watching Kate beat up her little sister. -- SCARED FOR NELL IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR SCARED FOR NELL: The kind of assault you witnessed is not harmless sibling anger. Your friend has self-control issues that should not be ignored. Sucker-punching someone in the stomach can cause internal damage -- and kicking someone when he or she is down can crack ribs, bruise one's kidneys and liver, and create injuries that need to be evaluated by a physician.

Both of those girls need help -- and the way to see that they get it would be for you to tell your parents what happened so they can have a talk with Kate and Nell's parents.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I learned that it would be best for me to terminate my pregnancy because the baby would not be able to survive once it was born. I could not go along with aborting the baby the way the doctors suggested would be less stressful. Therefore, I decided to induce labor at six months. My baby boy was stillborn.

Even though I knew what the outcome would be, it was painful. During my delivery, my entire family was present -- including a number of my closest friends. While my baby was being prepped to be taken away, everyone held the baby except my sister. It didn't bother me at the time. I figured it was too hard for her to bear.

My sister recently hugged one of her friends' newborn baby boy, and it really bothered me. Am I wrong to be upset with my sister for clinging to that little boy instead of holding my son when he was born? -- GRIEVING MOTHER IN PHILLY

DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby. You are still grieving, and you wouldn't be human if you weren't looking for someplace to target your pain, disappointment and anger. But please do not blame your sister. You had it right the first time.

Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and it may, indeed, have been too wrenching for your sister to hold your baby before he was taken away. That she hugged her friend's newborn has no bearing on how she felt about your little angel.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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