DEAR ABBY: My son, "Marshall," is in an abusive marriage. This week, while his military unit was training in another state, his wife had his cell phone turned off. Then she took a cash advance (over the credit limit) against the card Marshall uses while away from home, and canceled his ATM card so he would not have access to money. She did all this because she was angry with him.

Marshall had to leave his training early and fly home to straighten out the mess. Abby, she has locked him out of the house and made up allegations of physical abuse and reported them to his command. I have never met anyone so vindictive. This has happened repeatedly during their nine-year marriage.

They have two young sons. Marshall is miserable, yet he is hesitant to free himself from her control. He keeps saying she'll just do something worse. Even with her history, he doesn't see it as abuse.

Have you a list of abusive characteristics in women you could print? Maybe if Marshall sees it, he'll recognize it for what it is. I'm afraid he'll eventually lose his job -- or his life. -- WORRIED SICK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: It's been a while since I printed the warning signs of an abuser. Although they were originally intended to describe a male abuser, many of them apply to both sexes:

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." Pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. Prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of "causing trouble." May deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: Says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or teases them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you, " then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Within the last two months, my dear 75-year-old friend, "Margery," lost her 51-year-old daughter and her 29-year-old granddaughter to cancer. (They were mother and daughter.)

At the funeral home there was a table at the entrance to the viewing room with a printed card asking for your name, address and phone number if you wanted to receive an obituary and memorial card encased in plastic. (I did.)

Two days after the funeral, I received a call from the funeral home asking me what my thoughts were about the funeral. I told the man I had been to many funerals in my life, but had never been called and asked my thoughts about any of them. However, since he was asking, I told him I had been upset to hear from Margery that he tried to charge her $1,000 more for her granddaughter's wake then he did for the daughter's identical wake.

And then, this insensitive jerk proceeded to ask me if I had any thoughts about making "prearrangements" for my OWN demise and funeral! Abby, I couldn't believe my ears! A funeral home trolling for business from grieving friends and relatives of the deceased mother and daughter two days after the granddaughter's funeral? And to use the signed book (to receive memorials) for names, addresses and phone numbers to "promote business" is, in my eyes, unconscionable! Your thoughts, please. -- DORIS L. IN FLORIDA

DEAR DORIS: Just when I think I have seen it all, a letter like yours lands on my desk. Whether the person who called you was the funeral director or a salesman, that person is his own worst enemy. Margery should consider herself fortunate that he didn't approach any mourners who appeared to be under the weather and try to sign them up then and there.

People with such little sensitivity for the feelings of others should not be in a people-oriented profession. If that man's employer reads this, I strongly recommend that he be relegated to the back room, where the individuals he deals with are far beyond the cares and concerns of this world.

Readers, in case you're under the impression that most people are this insensitive and cynical, read on for a change of pace:

DEAR ABBY: Please print my letter about an act of kindness. I was having a rough day at school. I had left some medication at home, but only had enough bus fare for one way. So I borrowed money from a friend and went home at lunch. The heat was terrible, but I still had to walk back to school.

After I returned to school, I fainted in my fourth period class. My teacher said I could go home.

The bus came right away. The driver told me to get on and look for my money afterward. Well, I couldn't find it. It must have fallen from my pocket when I fainted. I told the driver why I didn't have the fare and even offered him two fares for the next day.

He didn't believe me. I was so upset I started to cry while I was getting off the bus. Then I heard a woman say, "Wait!" She took out her wallet and looked for change. She didn't have any, so she offered the driver a $20 bill. The driver couldn't accept the money, but I thought it was so kind of her to offer to pay the bus fare for a total stranger.

I was just about off the bus when another woman offered me a bus ticket. I don't know how to express how grateful I was to those two women.

So if you are one of the women who took the Route 43 bus and helped me out that day, please know I will always remember the kindness you showed me. You are the two nicest people ever -- and I don't even know your names. -- THANKFUL FOR THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR THANKFUL: Thank you for an upper of a letter, which proves that angels don't always fly -- sometimes they ride the bus just like the rest of us.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was so glad to see the letter from "Irritated in Missouri" (Feb. 11), referring to people calling each other "retarded." I have a son with Down syndrome who is my absolute joy, and it breaks my heart to hear people use his disability as a derogatory insult. My son is my hero, and I am proud to be his mother. I cannot say his name without smiling.

No parent I know denies that their "special" children are mentally retarded, but to use the name of their disability in a derogatory and insulting manner is inexcusable. Thanks for letting me vent! -- PROUD TO BE SHANE'S MOM

DEAR PROUD: You're welcome. I, too, have heard the word "retarded" abused, and some of the people who have done it are in public life and should know better. When I printed that letter, it resonated with many readers who have family members with disabilities who also described how hurtful it is. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the younger sister of a mentally retarded woman. Anyone who knows my sister knows she is sweet, funny and caring. She also has feelings and knows when she's being ridiculed, even if she doesn't always understand what is being said about her.

I have heard people my whole life use the word "retarded" as a derogatory slur. They stare and talk like we can't hear them when we're out with my sister. I was taught from an early age that teasing anyone for any reason is wrong. I would have been punished for behaving that way. I can understand the curiosity of small children. But older children and adults need a refresher course on basic manners, and parents and schools should stop turning a blind eye toward children who behave like this. -- MISS M. IN ORMOND BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the special ed teacher and your response hit me emotionally. I am the sister of a mentally retarded individual, and my heart breaks every day when I see her struggle, her triumphs and her innocence.

Surely those teens and adults who use the term "retarded" in an abusive manner are not personally acquainted with an individual who is truly retarded. Mental retardation is no joy ride, nor is it the end of the world. Those who are afflicted are to be protected and loved by those who have the ability to do so.

My son has become a psychologist specializing in adults with mental retardation. My sister has taught me to deal with grief and anger, and also to have patience, gratitude, hope, acceptance, empathy and unconditional love. She has been my most distinguished teacher, and my world is a better place because she is in it. -- EVELIA IN CARSON CITY, NEV.

DEAR ABBY: I am the parent of a daughter with developmental disabilities, and it is painful when I hear a friend or colleague use the term as an insult. Thank you, Abby, for reminding people to treat others with respect. For people who would like to learn how to talk sensitively about people with disabilities, I recommend a Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.disabilityisnatural.com" ��www.disabilityisnatural.com�. There they will find commentary regarding "People First Language." I hope this is helpful. -- TRICIA T., ROSWELL, GA.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)