DEAR ABBY: I was so glad to see the letter from "Irritated in Missouri" (Feb. 11), referring to people calling each other "retarded." I have a son with Down syndrome who is my absolute joy, and it breaks my heart to hear people use his disability as a derogatory insult. My son is my hero, and I am proud to be his mother. I cannot say his name without smiling.

No parent I know denies that their "special" children are mentally retarded, but to use the name of their disability in a derogatory and insulting manner is inexcusable. Thanks for letting me vent! -- PROUD TO BE SHANE'S MOM

DEAR PROUD: You're welcome. I, too, have heard the word "retarded" abused, and some of the people who have done it are in public life and should know better. When I printed that letter, it resonated with many readers who have family members with disabilities who also described how hurtful it is. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the younger sister of a mentally retarded woman. Anyone who knows my sister knows she is sweet, funny and caring. She also has feelings and knows when she's being ridiculed, even if she doesn't always understand what is being said about her.

I have heard people my whole life use the word "retarded" as a derogatory slur. They stare and talk like we can't hear them when we're out with my sister. I was taught from an early age that teasing anyone for any reason is wrong. I would have been punished for behaving that way. I can understand the curiosity of small children. But older children and adults need a refresher course on basic manners, and parents and schools should stop turning a blind eye toward children who behave like this. -- MISS M. IN ORMOND BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the special ed teacher and your response hit me emotionally. I am the sister of a mentally retarded individual, and my heart breaks every day when I see her struggle, her triumphs and her innocence.

Surely those teens and adults who use the term "retarded" in an abusive manner are not personally acquainted with an individual who is truly retarded. Mental retardation is no joy ride, nor is it the end of the world. Those who are afflicted are to be protected and loved by those who have the ability to do so.

My son has become a psychologist specializing in adults with mental retardation. My sister has taught me to deal with grief and anger, and also to have patience, gratitude, hope, acceptance, empathy and unconditional love. She has been my most distinguished teacher, and my world is a better place because she is in it. -- EVELIA IN CARSON CITY, NEV.

DEAR ABBY: I am the parent of a daughter with developmental disabilities, and it is painful when I hear a friend or colleague use the term as an insult. Thank you, Abby, for reminding people to treat others with respect. For people who would like to learn how to talk sensitively about people with disabilities, I recommend a Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.disabilityisnatural.com" ��www.disabilityisnatural.com�. There they will find commentary regarding "People First Language." I hope this is helpful. -- TRICIA T., ROSWELL, GA.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently had a baby boy. Mother and baby are doing fine, but the problem is the sonogram during pregnancy showed a baby girl, according to the doctor. So now our grandson has a slew of pink blankets, jammies and clothes given by friends before little Jack was born. I say, no big deal.

My wife says it is a big deal. No way a boy should be dressed in pink. She's worried the color will give the wrong message to people, who will then treat our grandson like a girl in a way they won't even be aware of, even though they're told he's a boy. She worries that this will somehow make him a cross-dresser when he's grown up and make him gay.

Our daughter and son-in-law are in a quandary, too, over the pink clothes. What do you think? -- JACK'S GRANDPA IN GUERNEVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR GRANDPA: As long as the baby gifts have not been used, there should be no problem exchanging them for items in the "right" color.

However, please tell your wife that her fears are groundless. Even if her grandson decides to become a cross-dresser later in life -- which, by the way is NOT related to what color clothes a man wore as a baby -- it won't make him gay. The majority of cross-dressers are heterosexual.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old "woman." I say "woman" because I still feel like a girl.

I graduated from college two years ago. Unlike a lot of people my age, I am self-supporting. Since graduation, I have tried to adopt some of the behaviors of an adult. I work hard at my job and manage my money well. I get up early on weekends and do chores around the house, and I'm learning how to cook. I make an effort to reach out to my parents, who are recently retired. I try to learn about the world around me and keep up with the news.

So why do I still feel like a teenage kid? -- KID AT HEART IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR KID AT HEART: Please don't judge yourself so harshly. You are more mature than many people who are chronologically older.

From my perspective, it appears that you are growing up at a very respectable pace. If you are under the impression that because people reach a certain age they are suddenly mature adults, you are operating under a misconception. Age is only a number. People mature at different rates, and there are folks in their 50s, 60s and older who are still growing up. Wisdom and maturity are gained cumulatively -- and in some cases it can take a lot longer than 21 years for individuals to stop behaving like children.

DEAR ABBY: I was visiting a local shopping center and was dismayed to notice that the car parked next to mine had a baby seat in the back -- complete with an actual live baby.

My first instinct was to immediately call the police. However, it was a mild day and partially overcast, and the moderate conditions made me hesitate for fear of being a "busybody." A day later, I'm still second-guessing myself. So I ask you, did I do the right thing by not sticking my nose in, or was it my responsibility to have alerted the authorities? -- INDECISIVE IN SAN MATEO

DEAR INDECISIVE: Unless you were prepared to stay by the vehicle until that foolish, neglectful parent returned, you should have called the police. Leaving a baby alone in a parking lot, regardless of how mild the weather was, is against the law. In some states, there are also laws against leaving pets in parked cars.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Sundown marks the first night of Passover. Happy Passover, everyone!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I am very confused. I am four months' pregnant and have been engaged for two years. My fiance's father asked him the other day when we were going to get married, and he looked at his father and said he no longer believes in marriage.

I don't know what to do. My fiance says he loves me and wants to be with me and the baby when it's born, but he isn't saying he wants to get married anymore after all this time. It's almost as if he is taking back the words "I love you."

Please tell me what to do. -- HURT BEYOND WORDS, ALBERTA, CANADA

DEAR HURT BEYOND WORDS: Start by having a calm discussion with your "fiance" about when he had his change of heart. Whether he marries you or not, he has a financial responsibility to his child. Then ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want to be living in 10 years or so.

Marriage carries with it certain protections, advantages and guarantees. Examples: If he were to become seriously ill, who would make medical decisions for him? If he were to die, who would inherit his property? If this man loves you, does he not want you and his child to be legally protected?

Your next step is to discuss the legal implications with a lawyer, because even if this man doesn't want to protect you, you must ensure that your child will be provided for.

DEAR ABBY: I am 33 and have been dating "Lauren" for three years. I saw a great future together -- that is, until my parents decided they hated Lauren and refused to meet her. My parents are unreasonable and judgmental. They say I should marry a "family-oriented" girl who meets their qualifications.

I moved back home after college and have had relationships, but never married. Having no siblings, I have always been super close with my parents, but they are doing everything in their power to destroy my relationship with Lauren and control me.

We can't communicate respectfully about this because they claim that "desperation" has caused me to "settle" and accuse Lauren of turning me against them. Although they say they want me to be happy with a family and to make my own decisions, they have informed me that they will not attend our wedding, nor be a part of our lives.

Lauren and I get along well and love each other. She is willing to start all over with them and forget what has happened, but they still refuse to meet her. I feel that I am still the only person who can determine what "qualifications" are important to me in a life partner, but my parents are forcing me to make a choice. Should I continue trying, or move on? -- ON THE SPOT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ON THE SPOT: It is possible that your parents are so emotionally fixated on you, their only child, who moved back home after college, that they are having problems "letting go." I find it sad that they have drawn a line in the sand.

Before you "move on," please consider family counseling for you and your parents. A licensed psychotherapist might be able to help you all communicate better, and help them to recognize that the more they attempt to control you, the further they are pushing you away. I am also recommending premarital counseling for you and Lauren, because after you marry, she may encounter significant in-law problems.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)