DEAR ABBY: I am 18 years old. I live with my girlfriend, and we live with her mother, 7-year-old sister and her stepdad.

When I first met her, she told me that her stepfather had tried to get her to take nude pictures "so she would trust him and won't be shy." He has asked her twice since we have been together. Each time he has asked, he has told her not to tell me, yet he tells her that he wants her to take the pictures so I will have something to look at when they leave on vacations.

Recently, because he wasn't able to get her to take the pictures, he told her that she and I need to have sex and be loud about it so he can hear -- "so she will trust him." During the same conversation he told her he was thinking about making her take the pictures, but figured she would hate him forever, so he didn't.

Before that happened, we found a device that looked like a small hidden camera in her bedroom. We weren't sure what it was, so we waited until one day we pressed "Play" on the VCR and all you could hear was the radio in her room and everything that was going on -- like the TV and us talking. He was trying to record us, and he tried to blame it on his 7-year-old daughter.

I'm not the kind of guy to get into family problems, but I love my girlfriend, and I'm tired of hearing and seeing this. Please tell me what you think I should do. -- GETTING WORRIED IN FLORIDA

DEAR GETTING WORRIED IN FLORIDA: I'm glad you wrote to me because you have every right to be worried. Putting aside your unusual living situation, it is apparent from your letter that your girlfriend's stepfather has an unhealthy interest in her. He is at the very least a voyeur, and possibly a pedophile.

It is very important that you and your girlfriend discuss this with a trusted teacher or counselor at her school or with a clergyperson. If you are reluctant to do this for yourselves, then please do it for the 7-year-old girl in that household -- because if this man is behaving this way with your girlfriend, it is only a matter of time until it happens to her (if it hasn't already).

DEAR ABBY: My parents come to visit about once every two months. My mother is very nosy. She goes through my stuff when I am not at home. She will do my laundry for me (which gives her access to my bedroom, my dresser, my closet, etc.). She uses the excuse that she is "cleaning" to snoop.

The last time she was here, she "did my laundry," and when Dad and I got home, my personal lubricant was sitting on my microwave! I was so embarrassed.

Abby, I am a grown woman. I am 33 years old, and I am tired of her leaving my personal stuff out to let me know she knows I have it. What do I do? -- MISS T. IN DACULA, GA.

DEAR MISS T.: Well, your "secret" is out. Both your parents know you are sexually active. You should have had a frank talk with your mother and set some boundaries years ago.

You now have a choice: You can get a deadbolt lock for you bedroom door to prevent your mother from embarrassing you again. Or, you can take the bull by the horns and leave the personal lubricant next to her bed the next time your parents visit. When she brings it up, tell her that since you're all adults, you assumed she needed to use it during her last visit but had forgotten where it belonged. It should be interesting to see how she handles it when the "hot potato" winds up back in her lap.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Hurting in New York" (Jan. 17), I ran to my computer. Unless she breaks off her relationship with "Pan," you'll be hearing from her again in about 10 years.

I married a Greek man whose family never accepted me. Being young and naive, I tried everything to fit in, converting from Catholicism to the Greek Orthodox faith, attending all family functions, including them in our lives. It was never enough.

My husband and I traveled to Crete with his family to visit his relatives there, and some extended family members refused to share the dinner table with me because I was not Greek. One of those family members was a priest!

Our daughter, "Athena," was born four years later. What broke the camel's back for me was a Christmas dinner when she was 6. My father-in-law gave cards with $100 to all the grandchildren of Greek heritage. Athena received nothing and cried for hours wanting to know why her grandfather didn't love her. My husband just tried to stay neutral.

Please tell "Hurting" that Pan's actions speak louder than words. If at 35 he is celebrating holidays without her and hiding her from his family, it won't stop. She will never be accepted into the family, nor will any children they have together. She'll be better off without him. -- IRISH AGAIN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR IRISH AGAIN: I hope "Hurting" will take your (and my) advice to heart. And thank you for sharing your experience, which I am sure was painful. However, the kind of cliquishness you have described can happen in any group that tends to be "clannish," as my readers pointed out. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were right on the money with your advice to "move on." I was married to a "Brit" for more than a decade, and experienced the same treatment from my former in-laws that she is facing. I thought things would improve after our wedding, then once we had been married "awhile," etc. Needless to say, it never improved. Literally until the day I left, I was treated like an outsider, and my husband never once took a stance to protect me or even acknowledge the problem.

I know many other couples of differing nationalities, and I know this is the exception, not the rule. But I sure hope she takes your good advice, because she'll have years of disappointment and heartbreak ahead if she doesn't. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I met my Armenian-American husband when I was 22 and he was 32. I thought, "What a nice guy; why isn't he married?" I soon found out why. He had very strong ties to his parents and siblings. They did not take to me at all. I have been snubbed and insulted repeatedly.

I married him anyway, and it was been 25 long years. He is still tied to "Mommy," and it's sickening. My advice to "Hurting" is to run and keep on running. Don't marry someone because you pity him. I did, and my compassion has gotten me nothing but verbal abuse from my husband and stoniness from his family. -- STILL HERE, WISH I WASN'T

DEAR ABBY: I'm a Greek woman, and your advice about "Pan" was right on. Pan is hiding her because she's not good enough for his family and never will be because she's not Greek. Shallow? Perhaps, but it's normal behavior for a traditional Greek family.

My mother was three-fourths Greek and was treated horribly her entire married life by my father's family. The movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was not a romantic comedy; it was a documentary! Pan's family will always come first. -- KNOWS ONLY TOO WELL IN CALIFORNIA

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DEAR ABBY: I am 22 years old and have been married 17 months. "Derek" and I have a 23-month-old son. Derek hasn't worked for about a year and refuses to help support our family. He also belittles me whenever he talks to me. I am not happy in this marriage, but I am not sure what to do about it.

On our honeymoon, Derek told me if I ever divorced him that he'd make sure he would get custody of our son. And his mom already said that she would tell the judge that I was an unfit mother.

My son is my world, Abby. He doesn't even let his daddy hold him, so I know he wouldn't be better off with Derek. But because I am on disability, I don't know if I have a good chance of getting custody if I leave. I don't feel Derek loves me or my son.

What should I do? Stick it out with my husband or take the chance of losing my son? -- TRAPPED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR TRAPPED: It must have been some honeymoon if that was when Derek began threatening retribution if you ever divorced him. It appears you married a bully.

The answer to your questions will become clearer if you discuss this matter with a lawyer who, I am sure, can explain what your rights are as a mother. If, after that, you can find the strength to assert yourself, perhaps Derek will consider an attitude adjustment and stop blowing hot air.

P.S. If your baby is thriving, then your mother-in-law's trumped-up allegations would prove groundless.

DEAR ABBY: I suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago. Since then, it feels like I have suffered one disappointment after another. My sister-in-law -- who was supposed to be infertile -- is now expecting. The doctors thought she'd had an ectopic pregnancy, so they performed surgery on her only to find that the baby was fine and right where it should be.

I feel so bitter that I am normal and healthy, and my baby died because of random bad luck, whereas her baby is fine after all the trauma she has been through. I have become increasingly angry and unhappy and can no longer see the positive aspects of my life because I spend so much time focusing on the bad. I want to be happy for her and my brother because, surely, this is a miracle baby -- but I just can't.

I think I need a dose of good common sense and a swift kick in the rear to get me out of this depression. Would you do the honors? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE NORTH

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You're half-right. You need a good dose of good common sense. You do NOT need a swift kick in the rear, because the feelings you are experiencing are understandable in someone who has lost a baby -- with all the hopes, dreams and plans that went along with confirmation of the pregnancy. It would be helpful for you to discuss your feelings with your ob/gyn because I am sure he or she will explain to you that a larger number of pregnancies than you might imagine do not make it to term.

You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. Because you so badly want a child, I hope you will continue trying for one. However, if your anger and resentment continue to fester, the surest way I know to resolve these feelings is to discuss them with a mental health professional. It is normal to grieve, but you must not allow that grief to rule your life.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)