DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband, "Rolly," for nine and a half years. I have just confirmed that he has been cheating on me -- again! I had my suspicions and began checking his phone records. I love Rolly unconditionally.

We had a huge fight about it, and the girl and her friends were calling my home saying they were going to slit my throat. Then the phone calls stopped -- until yesterday. The girl was trying to reach Rolly, and when I answered there was only silence on the other end of the line. I know he called her friend the night before, the one who said she would cut my throat. It's hard to believe he would call someone who would say that to me, but he did. He tried to lie about it, but I have the phone records.

Please tell me what to do. My heart tells me one thing and my head tells me another. -- BROKENHEARTED IN COLUMBUS, MISS.

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: You have my sympathy. I'm sure it hasn't been easy being married to a womanizer, and from your description of your husband's behavior, Rolly definitely qualifies. I hope you will contact your doctor so you can be checked for STDs, because the quality of the women he's chasing could not be lower.

The time has come to ask yourself "the" question: Are you better off with him or without him? And when you answer it, please use your head this time, because listening to your heart has given you nothing but grief.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two children, ages 6 and 4. A couple of months after our 4-year-old was born, my husband's brother and sister-in-law were killed in a car wreck. My husband and I took it very hard, and both of us went into deep depression.

We are currently on medication and doing much better, but the damage has already been done. Because we both suffered from depression, our kids were often spoiled and not disciplined consistently.

I am now at my wits' end about how to get them back under control. I love my children very much and regret not doing the right thing from the start. -- WITS' END, BEVIER, MO.

DEAR WITS' END: It's not too late to sit your youngsters down, individually and together, and explain exactly what you expect of them and what the consequences will be if they misbehave. It should be done in a loving, but firm manner with unbroken eye contact. Then if they break the rules after that, you must mete out the consequences consistently, and not allow them to make you lose your cool. And when they do things right, they should be praised and rewarded for it -- but not "bribed."

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I feel terrible. Our dog just killed the next-door farmer's young turkey. We saw "Tuffy" running away, dragging the bird in his mouth. Needless to say, Tuffy will never be allowed off his leash outside anymore.

What is the proper way to make this up to the farmer? -- EMBARRASSED IN LIBERTY, S.C.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Pick up the phone and call the farmer next door, or go over there in person to apologize and explain what happened. Then offer to either buy them another turkey to replace their feathered friend who died so tragically, or take them out for a turkey dinner with all the trimmings.

A TIMELY REMINDER TO MY READERS: Daylight-saving time starts early this year, at 2 a.m. tomorrow morning. So don't forget to turn your clocks ahead one hour tonight at bedtime. Remember the old saying: "Spring forward, fall back."

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in a very awkward situation. I was married last week and am very happy with my new husband, "Ralph." However, when people ask, "Where did you two meet?" that's when the glamour shatters.

Abby, Ralph and I met in a public restroom in a very rundown area that we happened to be vacationing in. I hate telling people that's where we met because they usually laugh, thinking it's a joke. Should I just tell them the town where we were vacationing? -- NEWLYWED IN THE BATHROOM

DEAR NEWLYWED I.T.B.: There is such a thing as giving people too much information, and that's what you have been doing. By all means tell those who inquire that you met in such-and-such town. There is no need to tell anyone that the exact location was a public bathroom or what you were doing there when Cupid's arrow struck.

DEAR ABBY: At my last job, there was a privacy policy in place in which no one could ask nor discuss another worker's medical condition or reason for taking medical leave. However, "Thelma," the coordinator at my present job (I've been here two years), constantly badgers us and insists that we tell her our reason for medical leave or what our medical condition is.

I have noticed that she repeats to others what is told to her; therefore I do not tell her anything.

Thelma recently sent around a sympathy card for everyone to sign for a woman in another department who had suffered a miscarriage. (I had no idea the woman was even pregnant.) I thought the card was tacky and a form of gossip, and I told the coordinator so. Her response to me was that this woman has had other miscarriages!

How can I put a stop to her insensitivity and gossip? Should I go over Thelma's head and report her, or confront her one-on-one? I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. Also, this is happening at a large, respectable law firm. She recently asked me why I had gone to the doctor, and I responded by saying, "Didn't I tell you? Then, I guess it's none of your business." She didn't get the hint (!) and resorted to asking my co-workers if they knew. -- INVADED IN NEW BERN, N.C.

DEAR INVADED: According to my labor law guru, Nancy Bertrando: "In most states -- if not all -- people have the right to privacy with respect to any medical information. Employers have the right to require a physician's verification of a need for a medical leave, but not an underlying diagnosis. If Thelma asks you again, say, 'I'm not comfortable answering that question, and it's not appropriate for you to ask.'"

Frankly, I find it shocking that in a "large, respectable law firm" they don't already know and abide by this.

DEAR ABBY: Our oldest son was married several months ago. One of his best friends from college responded affirmatively to the wedding invitation, saying he and his wife would be there. However, when the wedding was held, they did not show up, nor did they send a card or even an explanation as to why they were not there.

We just received an announcement of the impending birth of their first child, with a note about where they are registered for gifts. We are tempted to ignore it. What should be our response? -- STEAMED IN WACO, TEXAS

DEAR STEAMED: Although I can relate to your impulse to toss the announcement in the wastebasket, this is your opportunity to display better manners than this couple showed. Send them a nice card of congratulations. Period.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was gratified to read the letter from "Grateful Woman in the Midwest" (Jan 13), who wondered how to honor the friends who had taken her in when she was in trouble, and given her support and shelter until she was able to move on.

Our family has also done this for young people in trouble, trying to help them turn their lives around. The greatest gift we ever received came from one young man I'll call Danny.

Danny was only 20. When he came to us, just before Christmas one year, he had a 4-year-old son, was estranged from his birth family and was in desperate need. We made their Christmas bright, helped Danny find a job, cared for his son until a slot opened at Head Start, and ultimately helped find them an apartment. We even covered the utility deposits.

Never once did Danny default on his payments. He is now a model young man, owns his own business and home, and is an excellent parent. I ran into him at the supermarket the other day, and he said, "I want you to know, my son and I adopted a family last Christmas." He went on to describe how they had selected and wrapped gifts, made a holiday food basket, even baked cookies for the family. The light in his eyes as he related the story spoke volumes. It was the most wonderful gift Danny could have given us.

Please tell "Grateful" that turning around and helping others will make her angels sing with joy. -- STILL SINGING, BATH, MAINE

DEAR STILL SINGING: Your uplifting letter made ME sing with joy, as I'm sure it will many of my readers. I'm pleased to report that there are many "guardian angels" on Earth because I heard from them. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: A thank-you note promising to "pay it forward" would be priceless. We have been helping people for years (anonymously when we can), but when pressed for a reason, we always talk about those individuals who helped us, and explain that this is our way of expressing our gratitude. Nothing in this world is more joy-filled for us, the original "givers" or the recipients. It's also a gift that can keep on giving for a lifetime. -- MICKI IN WEST PALM BEACH

DEAR ABBY: After my stepson died a number of years ago, one friend, "Tom," came and helped us tremendously. I thanked him at the time, but it wasn't until I was able to take on the same role for a different friend who had lost a loved one, and then wrote Tom about it, that his act of kindness was truly clear to him. He wept openly at having been able to make such a positive difference in our time of need. -- GRATEFUL IN BIDDEFORD, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, people helped me in ways I could never repay. One of them said, "When it's your turn, then you can help someone." Now that I'm in my 40s, I help college students with references, networking and food. And I always tell them that in 20 years, I want them to help someone when they are able to. More important than getting a "good feeling," I am continuing a cycle of grace and gratitude. I hope "Grateful" will consider this possibility. -- SEAN IN HUMBLE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, I had the chance to help a friend in crisis. My husband and I invited the man to come and live with us. It was the best decision we ever made. He is a new man now, and watching him live his new life gives us great joy.

Trust me: It's enough for "Grateful" to go out and live her life well. That is all her friends would ever want from her. -- HAPPY TO HAVE HELPED IN SANTA CRUZ, CALIF.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)