DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a married man who is addicted to any drug, legal or otherwise, that he can possibly get his hands on. He's a kindergarten teacher and also a licensed boat captain.

I am concerned that he is abusive to his students, works while high, and even fell asleep while driving a commercial dinner cruise. He gets mad at me when I refuse to be "his drug," claiming that my refusal is the reason he cannot stop using.

Today I changed my cell phone number because I am so fed up with his dirty lifestyle and don't want it around my family. He takes kickbacks from prostitutes for helping them find "johns" and for the use of his boat to do their business. He is around such seedy people that I'm a little concerned about retribution for backing out.

I want to move forward with my business and live a cleaner life than this. Am I wrong for judging him? -- "LAURA" IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR "LAURA": Are you wrong for judging him? What took you so long? You knew you were in a relationship with a married man -- and it boggles my mind that a substance abuser would hold a position of trust around children or as a boat captain.

For everyone's safety -- including your own -- he should be reported to the authorities.

DEAR ABBY: This is the scenario: A few friends were exchanging gifts and having a dinner party. During dinner, some decorations around a candle caught fire and a few gifts burned before the fire was discovered. One of them was my gift to a friend who was attending the dinner.

Should I buy another gift to give my friend? What would be the right thing to do? -- UNSURE IN VIENNA, VA.

DEAR UNSURE: Thank you for asking me that question, because although it may seem trivial to some readers, it touches on an extremely important subject: fire safety.

In recent years, candles have become common decorating accessories, and no one should ever forget how dangerous they can be when left unattended -- or too near flammable materials. You and the other guests are lucky that only a few gifts were lost that evening.

You are under no obligation to purchase a replacement gift for your friend. Once the gift was brought to the party, it became the responsibility of the recipient, or the host/hostess.

DEAR ABBY: While eating in a restaurant today, I encountered a piece of coiled metal (maybe from the top of an opened can?) in my rice. I was terribly alarmed and slid my dish to the side, having lost my appetite.

When the waitress came back to the table, I showed the piece of metal to her. She apologized and started to take my plate away, but my friend stopped her and said: "Oh, wrap the rest of that up. I'll take it home. I'm not so particular." I was shocked, to say the least.

The restaurant took the price of my lunch off the bill, but I was stunned that my friend would take home the rest of a dish that had a foreign object in it. Am I "too particular"? -- "FINICKY" IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR "FINICKY": You were being prudent, not "particular" (or finicky) when you rejected the dish with the piece of metal in it. There could have been more metal shavings in the food, which could have caused a severe medical problem.

Someone should inform your friend that there really is no free lunch, and he or she was taking foolish chances taking the dish home.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I first read the letter from "Wounded Bride" (Jan. 6), whose father left immediately after her wedding ceremony to watch a football game on television, I thought, "What an insensitive, inconsiderate boor!" However, when I saw the signature, "Wounded Bride in Nebraska," I laughed.

I was born and raised in Nebraska. The percentage of the population in Nebraska who are not obsessed with football is definitely in the minority. It has reached the point where weddings, birthday celebrations, anniversaries -- even women's C-sections -- are planned around the Cornhuskers' schedule.

This may seem ridiculous and juvenile, but it's the reality if you choose to live in Nebraska. What her father did was wrong, yet he probably was never taught anything different. I'd cut the guy some slack. -- REFORMED CORNHUSKER FAN, NOW IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR REFORMED: I told "Wounded Bride" (in essence) that her father might have been trying to send her a message about his feelings about her marriage, but she should try to forgive him and concentrate on building a successful life with her spouse. Of course, when I penned my answer, I had no idea how pervasive football fanaticism has become. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although I feel her pain, I had to chuckle. We just moved back to Colorado from Nebraska, and believe me when I say that "Husker" is the state religion.

Some close friends recently planned the marriage of their son around the Cornhuskers' football schedule, and another friend was late to his own wedding because he was watching "the game."

"Wounded Bride's" father is just a typical Husker fan. -- BRENDA IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: It was the bride's own fault for scheduling her wedding during a game-day Saturday. Having grown up in Nebraska, I can tell you there are Catholic priests and Protestant ministers who refuse to perform weddings on game day. Repairmen refuse to come until the game is over. My wife is a nurse, and when she worked in the hospitals there, she knew of doctors who put off patients until the game was over. Nothing in Nebraska is more important -- at least in their minds. It's actually one of the reasons we moved away. -- FORMER NEBRASKAN IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws' anniversary was in the fall, and we had to plan their 60th on a weekend other than game day or many guests would not have come. Heck, my father-in-law might not have come! They played the Nebraska fight song at his funeral, and everyone cried. -- HUSKER FAN, ROCKLIN, CALIF.

DEAR READERS: In fairness, it isn't just Nebraska football fans. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The only day we could have our wedding was the day of the Pitt-Penn State game -- a big deal here in western Pennsylvania. At our reception, those guests who weren't in the bar glued to the TV had headphones plugged into their ears, either cheering or groaning at inappropriate times. -- MARTHA IN CHICORA, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Brides-to-be in Oklahoma who schedule their weddings on an Oklahoma University Sooner game-day Saturday can expect low attendance. It may not be right, but it's true. -- SOONER FAN IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR ABBY: In Texas, we schedule funerals so as not to interfere with our college football games. That bride knew her father's habits. She should have had the wedding on a different date. -- ANOTHER FATHER'S OPINION

DEAR ABBY: "Wounded Bride" should take comfort in the fact that what goes around comes around. Nebraska lost! -- AUBURN WAR EAGLE

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My brother and I are one year apart and grew up practically as twins. We buried our mother and bought some land together. Then, in our late 20s, my brother met and married a woman. We still lived together, only with hostility and distance.

Five years have gone by, and we now live apart. However, the feelings of hurt still remain -- and in fact have intensified. Recently I wrote a letter to him expressing my anger about the past, and he cut me off permanently.

We both understand that we needed to separate and how unfortunate it was that it happened with a lot of anger and resentment. However, I am being married this summer and am unable to decide if I should invite him to the wedding. On the one hand, I don't want to create another wound, but on the other, it feels as if we have finally broken free, and it is time to move on and respect his wish to be rid of me.

I am actually relieved that the end has finally come. The truth is, I'm not even sure if I want him there. But the rest of our family probably will. What do you think? -- GERALD IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR GERALD: A wedding is the joining together of a couple who hope to spend the rest of their lives committed to each other. It is NOT a time for feuding brothers to attempt a reconciliation, which could be distracting for all concerned. If you plan to patch things up with your sibling, do it before the wedding or don't invite him.

DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate for a couple living together -- "Carrie" is a widow and "Jake" is divorced -- to wear wedding bands on the ring fingers of their left hands? They say they are "married in their hearts" and cannot marry legally for financial reasons.

My husband and I feel that the wearing of wedding bands without following the rules of marriage (i.e., a ceremony conducted by a person licensed to marry and the receiving of a legal document) diminishes the sanctity and authenticity of our own wedding bands and those of all others who are legally married. -- JEAN IN LOS GATOS, CALIF.

DEAR JEAN: Couples who find themselves in the situation of the couple you have described sometimes discuss it with their clergyperson and exchange vows so they can be "married in the eyes of God." Because Carrie and Jake's marital situation bothers you so much, why don't you mention this to them?

After that, however, I would urge you to devote your attention to your own marriage, because how others choose to conduct their lives is no reflection on the sanctity and authenticity of your wedding bands -- and frankly, it's none of your business.

DEAR ABBY: My precious daddy died of cancer seven years ago. My problem is, Mother has never laid him to rest. She keeps his ashes in her dirty garage. She says it's because he wanted all three of us children to be together when his ashes were scattered -- but my brother lives 1,000 miles away and hasn't been able to get back home.

I have tried talking to Mom, reasoning with her, even suggesting she drive off one day and do it by herself if it would make her feel better. Still nothing! Isn't this disrespectful? Dad deserves better, but she refuses to let him go. -- STYMIED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STYMIED: Your mother's inability to let go of your father's ashes is not as unusual as you think. Consider this: Your father is in heaven. The ashes in the garage are but the remains of his discarded earthly shell. If enough time elapses, you can scatter your parents' ashes together.

DEAR ABBY: My precious daddy died of cancer seven years ago. My problem is, Mother has never laid him to rest. She keeps his ashes in her dirty garage. She says it's because he wanted all three of us children to be together when his ashes were scattered -- but my brother lives 1,000 miles away and hasn't been able to get back home.

I have tried talking to Mom, reasoning with her, even suggesting she drive off one day and do it by herself if it would make her feel better. Still nothing! Isn't this disrespectful? Dad deserves better, but she refuses to let him go. -- STYMIED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STYMIED: Your mother's inability to let go of your father's ashes is not as unusual as you think. Consider this: Your father is in heaven. The ashes in the garage are but the remains of his discarded earthly shell. If enough time elapses, you can scatter your parents' ashes together.