DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother-in-law, "Marsha," is in failing health. Lately she has been talking about how she "won't be here next year," implying that she thinks she will be dead. But there is one thing she refuses to do. Marsha will not have a will made up or sign an advanced directive! She thinks that if she does, it will be signing her own death warrant.

Marsha is facing major surgery in the spring. She owns her own house, and she has many medical bills and debts. She has said that after she's gone, it will be "up to other people" to "handle those things." Her children cannot be trusted to agree on wise decisions about her estate, and I have seen other such unplanned estates eaten up by court-appointed administrators who take more than a year to settle matters.

Because we often discuss your newspaper column, I am hoping you might convince my mother-in-law that wills are not only good planning, but will ensure the legacy for her grandchildren that she talks about, but currently cannot guarantee. -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR DUTIFUL D.I.L.: I'm sad to say that many people feel as your mother-in-law does -- and when they go, they leave turmoil in their wake. No one likes to face his or her own mortality, and yet the reality is that we're all gonna go sometime. (May Marsha live to 110!)

If she maintains her current stance, she risks leaving a legacy of dissension among her children -- and there's no guarantee that her grandchildren will see a penny from her estate.

It is very important that Marsha discuss this subject with her lawyer or CPA, who can explain to her what the laws are in the state where she resides and convince her of the wisdom of preplanning for the inevitable. It's not signing a death warrant, but rather a guarantee that what she has worked so hard to accrue in her lifetime will go where she wants it to.

DEAR ABBY: I have been having an argument with myself for some time now. My problem is, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to stop calling my aunts and uncles by their titles and switch to just calling them by their names. I am 23.

Can you tell me what, if any, is an appropriate age to begin using aunts' and uncles' names rather than their titles? -- UNSURE IN TEXAS

DEAR UNSURE: Calling someone "aunt" or "uncle" has nothing to do with age. In addition to a family title, it can also be regarded as a sign of affection or respect.

Before you stop using it, ask the person what he or she would prefer to be called. That way you won't cause any misunderstandings or hard feelings.

DEAR ABBY: My son has a serious girlfriend I'll call "Danielle." They are 24, and it looks like they might get married. We have the reverse of the typical mother-in-law/daughter-in-law problem. I am very easygoing and don't interfere or criticize. Danielle, on the other hand, has strong opinions and voices them loudly. There is no discussion. Danielle is always right.

My husband and I are going through a rough time financially, and Danielle suggested that we come and live with them. She said I could cook and clean, and my husband could do the repairs around the house. I was shocked and hurt. I would never have said that to my mother-in-law.

I know it's important to stay on good terms, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Any suggestions? -- NETTIE IN NEBRASKA

DEAR NETTIE: Just this. Only as a last resort should you and your husband live with your son and his tactless girlfriend. If you do, it appears you will be treated as domestic help, and frankly, you deserve better.

TO MY ASIAN READERS: A happy, healthy and prosperous New Year to you all. This is the Year of the Pig, and as you probably already know, pigs are affectionate, intelligent and have a voracious appetite -- for life.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My brother has 15 children by eight mothers. Five are with his wife, from whom he has been separated for 16 years. My sister-in-law becomes very upset when my brother shows favoritism toward children he has outside his marriage. Until recently, she tolerated this. However, now she says she hates him more today than ever -- even though they are not together.

I feel their marriage is long over, and she should not focus on what he is doing nor should she allow herself to become emotionally distraught over his behavior. It just doesn't seem to be sinking in, and I need some advice about how I can tell her to move on with her life without sounding like a broken record. So many children out there in this world are in the same boat because of their fathers' irresponsible behavior. -- BRAVEHEART IN SYRACUSE, N.Y.

DEAR BRAVEHEART: Your sister-in-law may have clung to her marriage because her religion frowns upon divorce, or she may still be hoping that your brother will grow up, wise up and come back to her. You can reason with her until you are blue in the face, but until she is ready to accept reality, nothing will change.

I don't know who is supporting all those children financially or emotionally, but there ought to be a law against the kind of irresponsibility your brother has exhibited.

DEAR ABBY: I recently grew close to a member of the same social organization that I belong to. We have much in common. She is someone I can open up to and share my real feelings with. I can't do that with anyone else.

Here's the twist: She's 15 and I'm 22. I never thought I could fall for someone that young, but she is different. She is so much more mature than anyone I know at that age. We have talked about our feelings and realize that they are mutual.

I know the law frowns upon this, and I would never go against the law. The legal age in this state is 16. I know we will still be close by then. Would it be wrong to try for more of a relationship when she turns 16? -- GOT IT BAD IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR GOT IT BAD: That depends upon what you mean by "more of a relationship." While the young lady may be mature for her age, she does not have the life experience of someone your age. Intellectually she may be mature, but she may still be 15 years old emotionally.

Although the legal age in Connecticut may be 16, if I were you, I'd discuss this situation with the girl's parents before trying for "more." She's their daughter, and you will need their approval in order to date her.

DEAR ABBY: A co-worker recently lost her father. An envelope was passed around asking for donations to purchase flowers for her. She anticipated our gift of flowers and requested the money instead, so she was given the cash.

No sooner was the envelope in her purse than she immediately passed around a pre-typed note thanking us for the "heavenly bouquet." Am I wrong to have formed the opinion that she took advantage of our generosity, especially because it's common knowledge that she has a big gambling problem? -- ASKANCE IN GEORGIA

DEAR ASKANCE: Please do not be so quick to judge your co-worker. The money may have been put toward covering the expense of her father's funeral. However, if you are correct, the poor woman has enough problems to deal with. Please cut her some slack and let it go.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I live with our aunt because our mother is in jail and our father is nowhere to be seen. She was the only one willing to take us in. However, she uses drugs and has many criminal types in and out of the apartment.

Some of the guys she brings here sometimes stay awhile and try to make moves on us (if you know what I mean), and it makes us very uncomfortable. We share a room that doesn't even have a lock on the door, and we are so scared at night we put the dresser against the door before we go to bed when there's somebody here.

We're grateful that our aunt cared enough about us to take us when nobody else would, but it's still a scary situation. What can we do? -- SCARED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SCARED: You and your sister have my sympathy. For no fault of your own, you have been dealt a difficult hand in life.

Although your aunt's heart may have been in the right place when she took you in, it appears from what you have written that she is neither mature enough nor stable enough to live up to that responsibility. You and your sister deserve to be able to sleep in your beds at night without fear.

I strongly urge you to talk to a trusted teacher at school about your situation. Your well-being could depend upon an intervention.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old boy, and my mother still insists on coming in with me when I go to the doctor for a physical exam. I think I am old enough to go in by myself, as I find it embarrassing to have her there when he's examining me.

She says since she's my mother there is nothing she hasn't seen before, but if I'm that paranoid she'll promise to look the other way during the part of the exam when I have to pull down my shorts. Even if she does, I will still be uncomfortable with her standing right there at a time like that.

She says she needs to be there to hear what the doctor has to say and ask him questions. I don't see why she can't just talk to him for a minute right afterward. If there is anything wrong, I'm sure he would let her know anyway.

If it's necessary for one of my parents to be right there, I'd much rather it be my father, but he says it's too hard to get off work during the day. Please tell me what you think. -- C.J. IN WILMINGTON, DEL.

DEAR C.J.: Many physicians prefer to have someone else in the examination room while they perform physical examinations or procedures on their patients. If you would prefer that your mother not be there for part of the exam, you should indicate that to your doctor and let him handle it. However, if your mother steps outside, please understand that your doctor may ask a nurse to be present.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the parents of two small children. We have started writing our wills to help plan for our children's future should anything happen to us.

I was wondering, would it be appropriate to request that should one or both of us predecease our children, that people donate money to an educational trust for our children in lieu of flowers? I know that people often request donations to charity and philanthropic groups, but I'm wondering if our request would be considered "tacky" or inappropriate. -- CURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CURIOUS: Although the loss of a parent is tragic, I'm reluctant to endorse that kind of request. Please take into consideration that an education costs far more than flowers for a funeral. The best way to ensure that your children can complete their education would be to start a college fund for them now and also make sure you have adequate life insurance.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)