DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, "Tiffany," quit school at 16 because she didn't like her teachers, and "all the kids did drugs." She got a job as a maid, then quit. She got the job back and was fired. She went to work in a restaurant. It lasted three days -- you get the picture.

Tiffany has lived with various pregnant girlfriends on their child support money until the inevitable squabble occurs and she's kicked out. She has tried cigarettes, alcohol and various drugs -- and is currently "dating" a prisoner who is on work release and with whom she plans to live with when he's released from jail. She's 19; he's 32. He has been in prison or jail twice, the last time for nine years. He has two illegitimate children in New York, so we assume he's unmarried.

Tiffany wants us to welcome him into the family with open arms, even though she won't tell us his name or why he went to jail the first or second time. She refuses to listen to anyone. Should we give up on her and disinherit her, or keep trying to persuade her out of this ridiculous relationship? -- LOVING GRANDPARENTS IN IDAHO

DEAR LOVING GRANDPARENTS: You have my sympathy. Not only does Tiffany appear to be intellectually challenged, it appears she has never outgrown the rebellious stage. Are you sure you can't ascertain the identity of the new boyfriend, because I am sure the authorities would like to know that he has been "dating" while on work release, since it's not what the program is intended for.

As for what to do about your granddaughter: Some people need to learn their life lessons the hard way, and Tiffany appears to fall into that category. However, rather than disinheriting her, consult an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts to see how some money could be put aside to be doled out in the future, should she mature sufficiently to want to complete her education.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl who is confused. My family moved to Montana six years ago, and a couple of years after we moved here my father had an affair. My parents split up for a while, then got back together. Then Dad became an alcoholic and tried to hurt my sister. That's when Mom kicked him out for good.

Not long after that, he found a girlfriend. At Christmas he got very drunk and tried to hurt the girlfriend. Thanks to my sister's amazingly brave actions, she managed to save the girlfriend.

Dad and this woman are still together, and he still drinks. He is very hard-headed. He thinks my sister is a "rebel" who tries to make him angry. Actually she's a nice person who has thoughts and opinions of her own.

Every time I go to my dad's, I have to act like a different person so he doesn't do what he did last Christmas. I do not have the guts to do what my sister did. Is it wrong to agree with my father to keep him happy? Should I disagree if I think he's wrong? -- CONFUSED IN MONTANA

DEAR CONFUSED: Considering the fact that your father can become violent, you should do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. What I cannot understand is why your mother would allow you to go to your father's for unsupervised visits, considering the fact that he is so unstable. If the reason has to do with child custody and the terms of their divorce, this should be discussed with her lawyer. Enough is enough.

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DEAR ABBY: I am one of your many male readers. Regarding "Betrayed in the Midwest" (Dec. 27), whose fiance, "Reid," impregnated her younger sister, "Lindy," there are at least two major issues that the writer should consider about this man.

No. 1: He's an adult who had sex with a minor. In all states that I know of, this is a crime, reportable to Child Protective Services and to the law, and it's punishable. It amounts to statutory rape. Reid is the guilty party here. Lindy is a victim and should not feel punished in any way.

No. 2: Reid had unprotected sex with Lindy, which means he disregarded the health and safety of not only the girl, but also his fiance and himself. With whom else is he sexually active? Who knows what risks he has exposed all of them to?

Your advice to "Betrayed" was right on. She needs to distance herself and her sister from him as far as possible, as soon as possible. I hope that she'll continue to care for her sister, who obviously needs good parenting and role modeling. I hope she also realizes that the child of this situation is innocent and needs care as well. -- CONCERNED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER, PHOENIX

DEAR CONCERNED: Many readers were up in arms after reading that letter. They wrote and e-mailed to say that Reid belongs in jail as a pedophile. However, the age of consent is not the same in every state, and in the state where "Betrayed" lives, it is 16. (Lindy is 17.) Therefore, although Reid is a manipulative jerk with no conscience, he is not a "child molester." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: From the sound of it, Lindy is probably just a lonely, orphaned child looking for some attention. Reid is a user, and neither woman needs him in her life. You failed to point out that a man who has been "carried financially" by someone is not "well off," nor does age equal maturity. Lindy is probably on her own if she chooses to raise a baby with him. If she cares about her sister, "Betrayed" should dump Reid and have a frank discussion with the girl about alternatives to raising the baby herself. -- ELIZABETH IN UPPER DARBY, PA.

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school teacher. The majority of my pregnant teen girls have boyfriends who are much older. This is the result of absent or divorced parents, or parents who must work several jobs to make ends meet. It is also the result of low expectations of female children and the media-led sexualization of young girls at an early age. Sometimes it makes me want to scream! -- CRANKY ADULT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I strongly agree with your advice about kicking the deadbeat fiance out and, if she can handle it, allowing Lindy to live with her until she is 18 and graduates from high school. However, I would advise "Betrayed" to go one step further.

If Lindy chooses to keep her child, start immediately to get legal papers on paternity and financial support activated on the "father." He had admitted it, at least to the two women. She does not have to wait until the child is born to go to court.

Too many women wait until the child arrives, often existing on welfare, then try to fight the red tape to track down the man responsible. It doesn't have to wait. This suggestion is for Lindy and any other woman in her predicament. Sadly, there are far too many these days. I don't even want to start on "what's the world coming to ..." -- KICK-'IM-WHERE-IT-HURTS IN IDAHO

DEAR KICK 'IM: And often where they feel it the most is in the wallet.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Elizabeth," died recently. She had adopted a baby at birth and insisted that the child not be told that she was adopted.

The "child" is now in her 50s, and we think that for years she may have suspected that she was adopted because she's different in appearance and temperament from other family members.

On the off chance that she has siblings, would it be wise to inform her at this late date of her adoption? I think the reason Elizabeth didn't want her to know was that she was afraid of losing her daughter's affections. I did not agree with that decision, but I honored it while my sister was alive. What are your thoughts on this matter? -- STAYING MUTE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR STAYING MUTE: Remain mute no longer. Your niece has a right to know her personal history. Adoption stopped being considered a deep, dark secret decades ago. I am sure she will have mixed feelings knowing this was kept from her for so long -- but it's important you share with her any and all information you have so that she can initiate a search if she wishes. At the least, she should know if there is a genetic predisposition to any illnesses in her background.

DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate for my husband's mother to take him alone to dinner to celebrate his birthday? We have been married for 13 years and have two children, yet she did not include the rest of us. My husband thinks it's because she can't afford dinner for all of us, but I think she should then just order a pizza and have us to her house.

This is the third or fourth time she has invited him to dinner without including us, and I am hurt that I am excluded. Should I not take this personally? -- LEFT OUT ON THE LEFT COAST

DEAR LEFT OUT: If his mother wants alone time with her son, she could invite him to join her for lunch that day so they could talk privately. As it stands, I agree, you are being excluded -- and I'm curious about why your husband would go along with it.

DEAR ABBY: We moved to a small (six-house) cul-de-sac last October, and a few weeks later we were outside raking leaves. Two of our neighbors were outside as well, and no one introduced themselves or even waved.

We left a very friendly subdivision and were hoping to find the same in our new neighborhood. We are just looking for a smile, and someone to watch our house if we're out of town, etc. We'd be happy to return the favor.

Any advice for this new neighbor? When we bought the house we were told that all the neighbors were friendly and about our age. -- UNHAPPY IN THE CUL-DE-SAC

DEAR UNHAPPY: Please do not make a snap decision about your new neighbors. The "natives" may, indeed, be friendly. They may not, however, be as outgoing as your former neighbors were.

My advice is to go to each of them, introduce yourself, perhaps invite them over for coffee, and let them get to know you. Relationships take time to build, and not everyone may respond as you wish, but I'm betting some of them will. Hold a good thought.

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