DEAR ABBY: "Jake" and I have been together for five years. He finally proposed last summer. Well, I made a mistake and complained about the ring he'd bought. He took it back, but still agreed to marry me -- without the ring.

I have apologized to Jake every day since for what I said, but we are now split up. (We still talk and see each other once or twice a week.)

Abby, Jake refuses to forgive me and make up. I spend all my time alone while he goes hunting with his friends or out drinking with them. I'm tired of not being forgiven. I know what I did was wrong. How long can you say, "I'm sorry"? -- BROKENHEARTED IN ALABAMA

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: If you have apologized every day since last summer and it has fallen on deaf ears, you can apologize until the cows come home and it will get you nowhere. Please step back and take another look at this situation.

Most men take their fiancees with them when they purchase an engagement ring, so she can select something she likes. You were tactless to complain about the ring he bought, but it wasn't a cardinal sin.

Recognize that Jake is enjoying punishing you -- and the hunting and drinking with his friends would have happened after your marriage regardless. Jake has done you an enormous favor by showing you how self-centered and unforgiving he is. Please be smart, realize that you have dodged a bullet, stop apologizing and run for the hills.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Darla," and I have been married for 10 years. We have three children. I have always worked hard to provide for my family.

Darla is very concerned with material things and likes to "keep up with the Joneses." I work two jobs to maintain this lifestyle, sometimes literally from sunup to sundown. Lately, I feel burned out.

Darla promises she will get a job, but in the 10 years we've been married she has had one job. It lasted three months. Each time she's supposed to find a job she develops some mysterious illness -- one that no doctor can cure or identify, but that stops bothering her as soon as her job search is forgotten.

I am becoming increasingly resentful toward her for making empty promises as well as making up illnesses. It is beginning to spill over into my work environment, and it is also keeping me from growing spiritually. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED IN PHILLY

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Recognize that your wife does not regard your marriage as an equal partnership. In her view, your role is to support her in the manner to which she aspires regardless of its effect on you. Her role is to enjoy it.

My advice is to offer her the option of marriage counseling, and if that doesn't work, consult a lawyer. It may be expensive, but at least you won't be responsible for her debts. And it could add years to your life.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years; now it's my turn with a question. Two years ago, some friends of mine saw I was in a real bind, caught in a vicious circle I couldn't get out of on my own. They invited me to move into their spare room until I could meet some goals and was able to move on. I decided to accept their offer.

The time I have spent with them has literally changed my life. I have grown tremendously in the last year and a half -- emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I have even improved physically. From day one, they made me a member of their family, and I have come to love them as such. They have been my supporters, my advisers, my friends, and I count myself lucky to have been part of their household.

Now that I have met most of my goals, I am getting ready to move out, and I am not sure how to repay them. They have literally set my life in a new direction. Any successes I have from this point on will be success that they have had a hand in.

How do I thank this couple and their family for all they have done for me in the last 18 months? -- GRATEFUL WOMAN IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR GRATEFUL: I doubt that anything you could buy for these angels on Earth would mean as much to them as a handwritten letter from you expressing the feelings you have confided to me. I am sure it would be something they would treasure for the rest of their lives.

Of course, it goes without saying that being able to move out and live a full, successful and happy life will also show them that their efforts were not wasted. I cannot imagine a better tribute to their generosity.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my brother, "Ronny," stopped speaking to our parents. He said they did something "unforgivable" to him during his childhood. I know Ronny wasn't neglected or physically or sexually abused. From what my parents have told me about e-mails they have received from him, he is angry about basic mistakes parents make.

Recently he mentioned that he just wants them to "respect" him. I have seen Ronny become overly sensitive about any sort of teasing that comes his way, and I guess that he's referring to this. I have asked him not to tell me his reason, for fear of being too angry about why he made this decision. This mess has caused a lot of tension in our whole family.

My brother is coming to visit me and my family in a few weeks, but won't be visiting our parents. How do I handle their questions and probing about his visit, and what do I say when they get angry about his not visiting them? -- RONNY'S SISTER IN IOWA

DEAR SISTER: I think you should ask your brother about his reasons and withhold judgment. I'm glad that he wasn't beaten or sexually abused as a child. However, someone should have told your parents that "teasing" can be like acid, eating away at a person's self-worth.

While it may seem to you that Ronny is overly sensitive, I find it interesting that you didn't mention what he was teased about that was so hurtful he's avoiding "the folks." Was the teasing two-way, or was it aimed only in one direction? And was it persistent?

Do not allow your parents to put you in the middle. This isn't your squabble; you have nothing to do with it. When they ask how the visit went, tell them it was "nice" -- if it was. Do not go into chapter and verse. And if they become angry that Ronny did not visit them, face it -- the problem is theirs, and it's up to them to resolve it, not you.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Noah," and I are being divorced. He moved out nine months ago. We have a 7-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter.

Last month, Noah revealed that he has had a girlfriend, "Dana," since last June, and they're moving into an apartment together this week. He said the children won't have to meet Dana until I'm comfortable with it. Noah also promised it would be "gradual."

I took the kids to see his apartment a couple of days later. The next day he called me and announced he was taking them to a birthday party for one of Dana's relatives. He also said some co-workers would be there. (He and Dana work for the same company.)

We're not even divorced yet! I don't want to teach my kids that people live together before marriage. By moving in with Dana, Noah has created a secret I can't tell my kids.

Abby, I had to meet many of my father's girlfriends. They all fell by the wayside, each time creating more loss in my life. I don't want that to happen to my children. I'm thinking of making a rule: One year of committed relationship before either Noah or I introduce them to a potential partner. Personally, I'm waiting until after the divorce is final before I start to date. Am I right? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN MISSOURI

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: Create all the rules you wish, but that doesn't mean Noah will abide by them. If he took the children to a birthday party for a relative of Dana's, it's logical to assume that they have already met her.

While you might like your children to keep their innocence, it may be impossible under the circumstances. (If the children visit at Daddy's, is he supposed to throw a blanket over his roommate?)

Honesty is the best policy -- in measured doses. Realistically, he should tell the children that Dana is his new "friend," and if things develop from there, so be it. How you conduct your own life is your business, and I admire your character and maturity in waiting to begin dating until after the divorce is final.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old single mother with three children ages 11, 3 and 1. After escaping an unhealthy three-year relationship, I moved back in with my parents. I soon found a good job, and I have been paying my parents a substantial amount of rent every month.

My problem is, after 11 months of living with my parents, I feel it's time for me and my children to get a place of our own. Mother keeps trying to talk me out of moving because she has become dependent on the money she receives from me every month. I don't want to leave her in a bind, but I need my own space. How can I resolve this without hurting our relationship? -- CLUELESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CLUELESS: Set a realistic date to be out of your parents' house, and let them know in advance what it will be. That way, your mother may be able to wean herself from her dependency on your rent money, and you won't simply be cutting her off.

If your parents cannot cut back to what they were living on before you moved in, then face the fact that they are the ones with the "problem" -- not you -- and they may need financial counseling.

DEAR ABBY: My life is a wreck. I have two kids, and I'm only 20. We live with our friends because my fiance's father kicked us out for telling him to get a job and help pay the bills.

There are 11 people living in this three-bedroom trailer. God bless them for taking us in. My fiance lost his job the same week. I am so depressed, all I do is cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I need help. Do you have any advice? -- DISTRAUGHT IN OHIO

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Only this. Dry your tears and start looking for a job. I don't need a crystal ball to see that under the current circumstances, you are going to need one.

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